The women of ‘The View’, Barbara Walters, Rosie O’Donnell, Joy Behar, and Elisabeth Hasselbeck, are gathered in Barbara’s office for their regular ‘post-mortem’ meeting to discuss what transpired on the show. Barbara is seated behind her desk and the three other women are seated on the other side of it with Rosie in the middle.

Barbara: Well, what did you think of today’s show ladies?

Joy: I don’t have any problems. (looking at Rosie and Elisabeth) Do you?

Rosie and Elisabeth shake their heads.

Elisabeth: I don’t have any concerns, except maybe we should get a little bit more heated in the political debates. (to Rosie) You’re holding back on me Rosie!

Rosie: Elisabeth, I don’t want to start yelling, not at a pregnant woman.

Elisabeth: Rosie, I can take it! I am a big girl!

Rosie: What if your kid turns into a gay liberal because he or she heard me talking politics from the womb? Then you’ll come after me 13 or 14 years from now with your semi-automatic.

Elisabeth: That’s funny, I would think hearing you talk politics would have just the opposite effect.

Rosie: What??

Elisabeth: Just kidding…just kidding, Rosie. I’m just trying to rile you up for our next political verbal tussel. (laughs nervously)

Rosie (eyes her suspiciously): Hmmmmm…

Barbara: I agwee with Elisabeth. The watings are down fwom two weeks ago, ever since you (indicating at Rosie) declared a cease-fire. I want the fur flying again duwing ‘hot topics’.

Rosie: All right. If that’s what you both want, then I’ll start yelling again.

Joy: Wait a minute! Again?? What do you mean ‘again’? When did you ever stop?? Are we on the same show?? (Joy laughs sarcastically)

Rosie returns a resentful look at Joy. They stare each other down for a moment and then, they break out laughing. Elisabeth laughs at them as well.

Rosie: Oh, I enjoy you Behar.

Barbara: Well I have a concern.

The three women stop laughing at the same time. They tense up and turn to look at Barbara glaring at them.

Barbara: Why did you all excowiate Kathy Hilton today? I was extwemely embawwassed.

Rosie: Ex…what?

Barbara: ExcoWIATE!

Pause. Rosie looks at Joy for an explanation, but Joy tactfully shrugs indicating that she has no clue about what Barbara is saying either. Elisabeth, clearly nervous and perplexed as well, just looks down at her feet. Rosie mouths ‘Excowiate’ to herself.

Rosie: Oh!…ExcoRIATE!

Barbara: That’s what I just said!

Rosie: Well…Barbara, that’s…that’s a very strong word.

Joy: We didn’t excoriate her. We just questioned why Paris Hilton is the way she is.

Barbara: You questioned the way Pawis was bwought up.

Rosie: We questioned the values that were instilled in her…yes.

Barbara: And so, in turn, you questioned how Kathy waised her and effectively, called her a bad mother.

Pause.

Rosie (tactfully): Well…I wouldn’t go so far as to say that that was what we meant…

Joy (cutting Rosie off): YES!!! That’s EXACTLY what we meant!

Rosie glares at Joy, giving her the ‘what-the-hell-are-you-doing’ look.

Joy: So what??

Barbara (getting angry): So what??

Barbara slowly gets up from her chair, fuming. She pounds her hand on the desk.

Elisabeth: Oh boy…

Barbara: SO WHAT??!!

Rosie gives Joy an exasperated look.

Rosie (whispering to Joy): Now you’ve done it Behar.

Barbara: Kathy Hilton is a good fwiend of mine! I have known her for over 20 years! How dare you question her chawacter and fitness as a mother on national television?? Don’t you know that I see her socially and I am having dinner with Rick and Kathy at their Hamptons mansion this weekend?? Now I am completely mowtified about having to attend because of your atwocious statements!!! How dare you make my social life difficult!!!

The three women cringe in her presence and slump down in their chairs.

Rosie: Well, you know Barbawa…I mean, Barbara… the show IS called ‘The View’ and you hired us to give our views on anything…

Barbara: I KNOW WHAT THE SHOW IS CALLED AND LET ME WEMIND YOU, O’DONNELL, I CWEATED ‘THE VIEW’ AND THE LAST TIME I CHECKED, I AM STILL THE EXECUTIVE PWODUCER!

Rosie gulps down a lump in her throat.

Barbara (to Rosie): I have alweady lost a gweat many fwiends by your so-called ‘views’. And for the ones that I haven’t lost yet, I am tired of having to apologize for your insensitive statements time and time again! I’ve never been so embawwassed in all of my life…not since that whole ‘what twee are you?’ debacle!

Rosie (rising up and gaining courage): What have I said that is so terrible, Barbara???

Joy shakes her head furtively at Rosie and mouths ‘no’ to her. Barbara looks at her incredulously.

Barbara: What have you said??? WHAT HAVE YOU SAID???!!! You mean, ‘what HAVEN’T you said!!! You have insulted everyone from Kelly Wipa to Paula Abdul to the Chinese to the Chwistian Wight…

Rosie: The Christian Right can go suck it!

Barbara: …to Pwesident Bush…

Rosie: He can go suck the Christian Right!

Barbara: …to Donald Twump!

Rosie: Donald Trump!! That sick, creepy bastard deserved everything I said!!!

Barbara: HE WAS MY FWIEND!!! HE DIDN’T ANTAGONIZE YOU!!! YOU STARTED THIS WHOLE UGLY FEUD WITH HIM!!! YOU THWEW HIM IN THE MUD AND WOLLED AWOUND WITH HIM IN IT LIKE A PIG!!!

Barbara realizes what she had said and quickly puts her hand to her mouth. Rosie stands up and eyeballs her.

Rosie: SOOO….what Trump said WAS true! You DID call me a pig and told him not to roll in the mud with me!

Barbara (frightened): Now Wosie, I didn’t mean it at the time. I was just pandewing to Trump’s anger in order to stop him from wetaliating against you. I was weally thinking of you.

Rosie: Bullshit!

Barbara: No weally, I was…

Rosie (gasps at a sudden epiphany): WERE YOU IN ON TRUMP’S STUNT THAT MADE MY MOTHER-IN-LAW THE SUPRISE GUEST CO-HOST??? (she lets out another gasp) YOU WERE THE ONE WHO KNOCKED OUT BILL GEDDIE!!!

Barbara (nervous and tense): What are you talking about Wosie?

Rosie: How did you tie yourself up???!!!

Barbara (evasively): Stop talking nonsense Wosie! That’s widiculous! I would never do anything like that! Nor could I!

Rosie eyes her suspiciously. Barbara flinches and looks away. Rosie sits back down in her chair.

Barbara: As I was saying, I was twying to pwotect you. I am always twying to pwotect you all. That’s my job. In fact,…

Barbara picks up a pile of folders.

Barbara: …I have compiled a list of people you should ‘ease up’ on for your own good.

She hands each of them a folder. The ladies open them and find a stack of paper listing hundreds of influential people.

Barbara: These are vewy powerful and influential men and women you shouldn’t cwiticize so harshly because…

Rosie: Because they are all your friends!

Barbara: Well, certainly, some of them are my fwiends…but they are also vewy powerful and can pwove to be dangewous if pwovoked.

Joy: You know Barbara, this list includes just about everybody. (she holds up the stack of pages and lets it drop, revealing a very long roll). Instead of my reading through the names of hundreds of people on here, why don’t you just give us a list of people we CAN lace into!

Rosie (flipping through the list): I have a feeling that would be a very short…GEORGE W. BUSH!!! YOU PUT THE BUSH ON THE LIST???!!!

Joy: OH NO YOU DIDN’T???!!! (Joy flips through the pages to the ‘B’s)

Elisabeth (smiling): Oh cool. (drops her smile suddenly) Oh wait, then how will we be able to debate?

Joy: Oh Barbara, how could you???!!!

Rosie: What the hell is the meaning of this???!!!

Barbara looks at their angry and disappointed faces, and then begins to cry.

Barbara: I have never ever NOT been invited to a White House State dinner since I began my caweer. And it is all on account of you (looking at Rosie) and your extweme libewalism and constant bawwage of cwiticism against Bush. They are punishing me for hiring you! They purposely invited this neophyte (pointing at Elisabeth) instead of me as a vewy delibewate slap in the face!

Elisabeth: Oh Barbara…

Barbara collapses over her desk and pounds her fists against the top of it and kicks her heels in the air.

Barbara: I WANTED TO BWEAK BWEAD WITH THE PWESIDENT! I WANTED TO CHAT WITH THE QUEEN OVER EARL GWEY! I WANTED TO BE SEEN AND PHOTOGWAPHED AT A WHITE HOUSE WHITE-TIE STATE DINNER!!! I HAD THE PERFECT WHITE AWMANI DWESS TOO!!!

She sobs deeply. Joy and Elisabeth approach the desk to comfort her and pat her on the back.

Elisabeth: There, there, Barbara. They should have invited you. I don’t even know who Earl Grey is!

Joy rolls her eyes at Elisabeth and smirks at Rosie, giving her ‘get-a-load-of-this-one’ look.

Rosie (with feigned certainty): He’s that…British…conservative…dude…

Joy rolls her eyes at Rosie as well and shakes her head.

Joy: I swear, you two nimkompoops are more alike than different sometimes. (to Barbara) Ok, Barbara. We’ll ease up on the politics. Besides, we just keep going in circles with this unrelenting neocon rehashing the same crap over and over again and it gets nowhere.

Elisabeth gives her a dirty look. Joy mouths ‘kidding’ to her. Barbara recovers, gets off the desk, and sits back down in her chair. Rosie asservatively puts her feet up on Barbara’s desk and continues to look through the folder. Barbara is visibly displeased with her show of disrespect and defiance.

Rosie: I don’t understand. First you tell me to rev up the heat for the political ‘hot topics’ and now you tell me to ease up on criticizing the President, as well as hundreds of people on here (indicating the list). This is impossible!

Barbara: It’s not impossible. Actually, it’s very simple. Just keep the political debates heated and passionate but lay off the President and all those people on that list (indicating the folder).

Rosie: Are you kidding me Barbara??? That’s totally ridiculous! I can’t have a real political debate without criticizing the President and hundreds of his cronies listed here. I am not like you. I can’t co-host a show called ‘The View’ and then NOT HAVE opinions like you!

Barbara (fuming): I am being vewy patient with you and you have not been considewate.

Rosie scrunches up her face, not understanding what Barbara is saying.

Rosie: What?…Did you just call me a half-wit? What??

Barbara (still fuming): You have not been considewate!

Rosie: Oh….considerate.

Barbara: That’s what I said!

Rosie: I couldn’t understand you. And it’s not the first time.

Barbara is insulted by her jab. Rosie flagrantly recrosses her legs on Barbara’s desk. Barbara is furious.

Rosie (sighing): Ok for Christsake, let’s just take it one fucking elitist at a time! (She flips open the folder to the top of the list.) You know, it’s very difficult to think during ‘hot topics’ when there is a constant barrage of change this, change that, no, wait, wait, do it another way. Don’t get me started…it’s impossible! One co-host is doing one thing and another is doing another. I am not as brilliant as you! I can’t keep up with you! All I know how to do is kick ass…I don’t know how to kiss’em the way you do!

Barbara is at the brink. An assistant knocks on the door.

Barbara: YES???!!!

The assistant comes in and stands near the door.

Assistant (nervously to Barbara): Paris Hilton called from the jail. She couldn’t hold for very long and so she had to leave a message.

Barbara (annoyed): Why didn’t you just put the call thwough???

Assistant: …Well, I heard shouting and…crying…

Barbara (embarrassed but still stewing): …Well, what’s the message?!

Assistant (taking a deep breath): Paris is canceling her interview with you. However, she wants Rosie to do a live interview of her from inside the jail on the day of her release.

[MUSIC CUE: Start ABBA’s ‘Ring Ring’ - click here to hear the song at Free Napster!]

Upon seeing the angry reaction on Barbara’s face, the assistant rushes out and shuts the door behind her. Rosie smirks at her triumph over Barbara. Joy and Elisabeth look at each other nervously, unsure of what to say. Barbara’s face turns red and angry hot. She stands up and with one stroke of her arm she pushes a stack of papers and chachkas off her desk.

Barbara (screaming at Rosie): FUDGE YOU! I WAS JUST TWYING TO HELP YOU! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME???…TO PWOTECT YOU!

Barbara kicks some files situated over the edge of her desk into the air. Rosie stands up to face her defiantly. Joy and Elisabeth get up and turn to go.

Joy: Way to go, O’Donnell!

Joy and Elisabeth run out the door and shut it behind them. Barbara continues to trash her office by knocking things off her desk, small tables, and shelves.

Barbara: I HAVE BEEN TWYING TO BE YOUR COLLABOWATOR INSTEAD OF YOUR BOSS! I AM NOT HERE TO BE FUDGING YELLED AT BY YOU! I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON THIS SHOW FOR TEN FUDGING YEARS NOT TO HAVE SOME FUDGING FLOOSY YELL AT ME IN FWONT OF THE FUDGING STAFF WHEN I AM TWYING TO FUDGING HELP YOU, YOU TWOLLOP!

Barbara moves towards the door, knocks over a lamp, and flings opens the door violently. Joy and Elisabeth as well as a couple of other staff people fall in. A horde of people have gathered outside in the hallway. The small crowd quickly disperses and scrambles for safety fast!

Barbara: FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF!

Rosie: I have figured it out…

Barbara: YEAH, WELL, FUDGE YOURSELF!

Barbara storms out of the office. She can be heard ranting and raving in the hallway. Rosie laughs at her lunacy. Barbara walks back into her office and beseeches Rosie with her hands.

Barbara: YOU’RE A FUDGING GWOWN UP! ACT LIKE A GWOWN UP! YOU’RE NOT A BABY! I’M HERE TO FUDGING HELP YOU! THAT’S ALL I WAS DOING!

Rosie: Stop yelling! You’re starting to sound more and more like me.

Barbara: HAVE I YELLED AT YOU BEFORE WIGHT NOW???!!! NO, I HAVE NEVER FUDGING YELLED AT YOU!

She grabs one of her Emmy trophies and is about to hurl it across the room, when she realizes what she was about to throw and stops herself. She hugs her Emmy for comfort.

Rosie (searingly): I HAVE FIGURED IT OUT, BARBARA WALTERS. YOU WERE TOTALLY, UNEQUIVOCALLY, WITHOUT A DOUBT, THE SECURITY BREACH THAT AIDED AND ABETTED DONALD TRUMP IN MAKING A COMPLETE FOOL OF ME IN FRONT OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ON LIVE NATIONAL TELEVISION YESTERDAY!!!

Barbara glares at Rosie in fury.

Barbara: YES I WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS!!!!!

Blinded by rage, she hurls the Emmy across the room and it crashes into a glass case of awards, completely shattering it. She lets out a full release of anger and frustration.

Barbara: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Rosie folds her arms in triumph and smirks.

Rosie: And they say that I kicked ‘The View’ up a notch?? Huh! Wait till ‘Access Hollywood’ hears about this!!! The tabloids have a new biddy to fry!!!

Barbara slumps over her desk in resignation.

[Fade out ABBA’s ‘Ring Ring]

(to be continued)…

[Watch the YouTube video that helped inspire this twisted story. Warning: Strong language]:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F86s4Vq59Ks&mode=related&search

[Read related stories: Surprise Guest Co-Host Week On ‘The View’ Part I, II, and III!]

Rosie: All right (looking down at her ‘hot topics’ cards), let’s see what’s going on…ummmm…(she quickly switches the cards)…uuuuhh….(reading down the list of topics, she switches the cards again)…nailgun injuries…thousands of people injured each year from nailguns. What do you think?

Joy: What??? Wait a minute…

Elisabeth: That’s the first hot topic for today???

Joy: Weren’t we supposed to talk about…

Rosie (interrupting): NAILGUN INJURIES! They’re terrible aren’t they? And so preventable.

Joy and Elisabeth look at Rosie and then exchange a puzzled look.

Joy: Yeah, well…just don’t use it…DUUUUH!

Melanie: Oh Ah didn’t know there was such a tool. Ah used to use those glue-on nails, you know, those thangs you press awn your existin’ nails, but they just never really worked fo me - they just kept fallin’ awf. Now if Ah’da known they had a gun to help you glue those suckers awn, Ah would have used it. But, Ah swear Ah am so clumsy sometimes (laughing)…Ah just know Ah would have been one of the statistics and injured mahself.

Rosie: Maaaaa! I am not talking about finger…oh, never mind…

Joy: Just go to the next hot topic…

Rosie (looking down at her cards, flipping them over and perusing the back): Uhhhhhh…Spring time allergies.

Pause. Joy looks at Rosie with perplexed annoyance.

Joy: What about’em?

Rosie: They’re pretty bad this year, aren’t they?

Joy: Yeah, they’re bad every year…so?

Rosie: Elisabeth??

Elisabeth: Uh…yeah…they’re pretty bad this year, Rosie…(uncertain of what’s going on)…

Melanie: You know the weirdest thang is…Ah have allergies…and anyone who knows me knows how Ah suffer and suffer every Spring and Fall…but when Ah go to the Carribean, they disappear…and it’s like God decided to give me back mah nose…

Joy: Wait a minute…let me see those cards.

Joy tries to snatch the hot topics cards from Rosie’s hands but Rosie resists.

Rosie: Joy, I am the moderator!…and I decide what we can discuss…

Joy yanks the cards from her tight grasp.

Joy: Give me those!

She reads the top card.

Joy: I knew it…we are supposed to talk about prisoner torture at Guantanamo and Abu Ghraib first!

Elisabeth: That’s right, we planned it this morning.

Melanie: Oh Rosie, are you being shy about talkin’ politics with me?

Rosie: Uh…no…

Melanie: Then let’s awl dig right in…it’d be just like our family git-togethers awn Thanksgivin’! Now Ah don’t see why we couldn’t administer a little torture to git some information outta these people.

Joy: Ever heard of the Geneva Convention? It’s against international law!

Elisabeth: But the information we extract from these terrorists can potentially save hundreds, if not, thousands of lives.

Rosie: Elisabeth, most of the people in these prisons aren’t terrorists! And we have seen cases where innocent people were tortured.

Elisabeth: I don’t believe these people are so innocent. And if we can extract just one potent information about a planned terrorist strike, then the torture would be justified.

Rosie: You are willing to let hundreds of innocent people be tortured?

Elisabeth: Yes, if it can potentially save lives…

Rosie: But it’s a known fact that information extracted during torture is unreliable. Tortured prisoners will say anything to…

Melanie: Oh Rosie, do you know how hard it is to git men to tawk??? Ah mean, how else are we supposed to git any kind of information outta them if it’s not about football, basketball, or wrestlin’. Ah mean, Ah swear sometimes Ah wish Ah had an electric cattle prod to use around the house just to get mah husband, Joel, to say anythin’ other than a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ or ‘huh?’. It’s like awl the men are workin’ fo the FBI or CIA and can’t divulge State secrets! But Ah do have a cousin on mah mother’s side who works at Langley and ironically, he tawks and tawks and tawks and doesn’t know whin to shut up…but we awl kinda suspect he is a closet homosexual…you know he TIVOs ‘The View’ and ‘Oprah’ everyday (laughing)…Oh! Ah don’t think Ah should have said that on national television…his wife Rita is goin’ ta kill me…

Rosie: And I would totally support her position…

Melanie: Well Rosie, Ah’m just tryin’ to be honest about family…

Rosie: Ma, stay on topic!

Joy: Our torture of prisoners has really damaged our reputation all over the world. Do you remember when pictures of prison torture at Abu Ghraib were released? There was such a backlash against Americans and that incident alone created more terrorists and hatred against us…

Elisabeth: But that was just the work of a few renegade soldiers who took matters into their own hands…

Rosie: Oh Elisabeth, do you really believe that torture at the Abu Ghraib prison was solely the work of these soldiers? The torture was ordered by the Bush Administration cronies…

Elisabeth: I don’t believe that. I think the soldiers took it upon themselves to interpret the orders in their own twisted way…

Rosie: Elisabeth, the military follows orders!!! That’s what they do and these orders sanctioning torture came from the higher chains of command, all the way up to George, Dick, and Karl!

Elisabeth: I read the order and it didn’t say anything about putting prisoners into sexual positions and degrading them…

Rosie: These soldiers would never do anything without authorization…

Melanie (gasps and cuts Rosie off): OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH Rosie, that reminds me, do you remember this past Thanksgivin’ when you refuse to answer mah question?

Rosie: What question?

Melanie (smiles): The question about…you know…mmmm hmmm…and Ah tried to git you spill the beans by ticklin’ ya…

Rosie: All right, moving on, next hot topic: Should children under five be allowed to go on the Internet? Elisabeth, take it!

Joy (to Melanie): Wait…what was the question?

Rosie: Stay outta this Joy!

Melanie: Oh come awn Rosie. This question has been on mah mind ever since and Ah just can’t figure it out. But you wouldn’t answer me no matter how much Ah tickled ya. OW!!! Stop kickin’ me under the table, Rosie…mah shins are very sensitive. It’s not like people can’t see you kickin’ me…it’s a glass table for God’s sake. Now maybe this is the only way AH can git you to answer me.

Rosie: No, Ma! Please no!!!

Melanie (to the audience): Do you awl wanna know what the question was???

The audience claps.

Rosie: Oh dear Lord, please help me. (on the verge of tears)

Melanie: Ah asked her how in the world do lesbians have sex? Ah just don’t understand how that would work. The equipment is just awl wrong…it just don’t fit. Ah mean, there is nothin’ to fit, if you know what Ah mean. (She winks at the audience and giggles)

Rosie (shaking her head): I won’t have this. I am not having my mother-in-law ask me about how lesbians have sex on LIVE national television…

Melanie: Now if it were between two men, Ah can sort of understand how that would work. They have a couple of thangs they can work with and they can sort of make do and improvise…

Rosie (at the top of her lungs): I AM NOT GOING TO DISCUSS THE MECHANICS OF LESBIAN SEX ON LIVE NATIONAL TELEVISION WITH MAH MOTHER-IN-LAW!!! END OF DISCUSSION, MA!!! NEXT HOT TOPIC!!!

Melanie: But two women?? Ah mean the only way Ah think it could possibly work is if there was some kind of toy involved…

She lets out a deep, long gasp.

Melanie: Is that how it is done???!!!…Usin’ some kind of equipment???!!!

Joy: Learn how to accessorize and the world is your oyster!

Elisabeth: Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!

The audience laughs. Rosie covers her ears and screams.

Rosie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At this point, Bill Geddie, one of the executive producers, runs out of the stage entrance. He is followed by Barbara Walters, who is tied up with rope and gagged. She hops out of the entrance, as her legs are still tied. They are flanked by two security guards.

Bill: SHE’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THE SURPRISE GUEST CO-HOST!!! IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE KATHY GRIFFIN!!! BARBARA AND I WERE KNOCKED UNCONSCIOUS AND TIED UP ALL MORNING!!! AND GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT HAPPENED TO KATHY GRIFFIN!!! WE HAVE A STUDIO SECURITY BREACH!!! WE’RE LOCKING DOWN THE ENTIRE STUDIO!!!

Melanie: What??? But Ah was contacted by one of your producers…

Bill (walking up to her): WHO??? WHO CONTACTED YOU???!!!

Melanie: This woman with a strange European accent. Ah think she said her name was ‘MELANIA’.

Rosie (coming to an awful realization): WHAT DID YOU SAY HER NAME WAS???!!!

At this point, everyone turns to see a gray-haired man in the audience laughing hysterically but trying to keep it under wraps. Rosie looks closely at him.

Rosie: Wait a minute. I know that face!

The man stops laughing and freezes. Rosie runs up to him and pulls off his gray wig. The man stands up defiantly. Everyone gasps! IT’S DONALD TRUMP!!!

Donald: I GOT YOU GOOD, MY FAT, LITTLE ROSIE!!!

Rosie (enraged): YOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUU BASTAAAAAAAAAAAAARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[MUSIC CUE: Start ABBA’s ‘Waterloo’ - click here to hear the song at Free Napster!]

Rosie lunges at him but Donald jumps out of her way and climbs over the other audience members to escape. Rosie pursues him, toppling everyone along the way. Audience members scream as they run out of the way of the feverish pursuit.

Rosie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Donald: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Barbara Walters, still tied up and wriggling under the ropes, manages to spit out her gag. She jumps up and down, hoping to catch someone’s attention.

Barbara: WILL SOMEBODY PLEEEEEEEEEEASE UNTIE ME!!!!!!

No one hears her as everyone watches Rosie chasing Donald all over the audience seats. People are running and screaming all over the set - it’s pure pandemonium. Donald throws chairs into Rosie’s path as she pursues him. Rosie tries to cut him off by taking an alternate path but Donald doubles back. Finally, Rosie runs to the top tier of seats and makes a giant leap off of it.

Rosie: KAMIKAZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She lands right smack on Donald’s head and crushes him under her weight. Sitting on top of him, she pulls off yet another wig, revealing a completely bald Donald. She holds up the wig triumphantly.

Rosie: I KNEW IT!!! I KNEW IT!!! I KNEW IT WAS A WIG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rosie tosses the wig. [Fade out ABBA’s ‘Waterloo’]

Rosie (speaking to one of the cameras): Put me on camera!

She then lifts her hand up in a grand gesture.

Rosie: THIS IS FOR CALLING ME FAT!!!

She swoops her hand down and smacks Donald on one side of the head.

Donald: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rosie: THIS IS FOR CALLING ME UGLY!!!

She smacks the other side of his head.

Donald: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rosie makes a fist and brings it back.

Rosie: AND THIS IS FOR INSULTING ALL THE WOMEN IN AMERICA WITH YOUR MISOGYNY!!!

She slugs him right between the eyes.

Donald: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Donald cranes his neck and bites Rosie on the leg.

Rosie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

[Restart ABBA’s ‘Waterloo’] She turns and tries to choke Donald, who in turn, bites her even harder. The two security guards, along with Bill, Joy, Elisabeth, Melanie run up to them and try to pull them apart but without much success.

Rosie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! YOU BASTARD!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bill: GO TO COMMERCIAL!!! GO TO COMMERCIAL!!!

Rosie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The End. [Fade out ABBA’s ‘Waterloo’]