Rosie: All right (looking down at her ‘hot topics’ cards), let’s see what’s going on…ummmm…(she quickly switches the cards)…uuuuhh….(reading down the list of topics, she switches the cards again)…nailgun injuries…thousands of people injured each year from nailguns. What do you think?

Joy: What??? Wait a minute…

Elisabeth: That’s the first hot topic for today???

Joy: Weren’t we supposed to talk about…

Rosie (interrupting): NAILGUN INJURIES! They’re terrible aren’t they? And so preventable.

Joy and Elisabeth look at Rosie and then exchange a puzzled look.

Joy: Yeah, well…just don’t use it…DUUUUH!

Melanie: Oh Ah didn’t know there was such a tool. Ah used to use those glue-on nails, you know, those thangs you press awn your existin’ nails, but they just never really worked fo me - they just kept fallin’ awf. Now if Ah’da known they had a gun to help you glue those suckers awn, Ah would have used it. But, Ah swear Ah am so clumsy sometimes (laughing)…Ah just know Ah would have been one of the statistics and injured mahself.

Rosie: Maaaaa! I am not talking about finger…oh, never mind…

Joy: Just go to the next hot topic…

Rosie (looking down at her cards, flipping them over and perusing the back): Uhhhhhh…Spring time allergies.

Pause. Joy looks at Rosie with perplexed annoyance.

Joy: What about’em?

Rosie: They’re pretty bad this year, aren’t they?

Joy: Yeah, they’re bad every year…so?

Rosie: Elisabeth??

Elisabeth: Uh…yeah…they’re pretty bad this year, Rosie…(uncertain of what’s going on)…

Melanie: You know the weirdest thang is…Ah have allergies…and anyone who knows me knows how Ah suffer and suffer every Spring and Fall…but when Ah go to the Carribean, they disappear…and it’s like God decided to give me back mah nose…

Joy: Wait a minute…let me see those cards.

Joy tries to snatch the hot topics cards from Rosie’s hands but Rosie resists.

Rosie: Joy, I am the moderator!…and I decide what we can discuss…

Joy yanks the cards from her tight grasp.

Joy: Give me those!

She reads the top card.

Joy: I knew it…we are supposed to talk about prisoner torture at Guantanamo and Abu Ghraib first!

Elisabeth: That’s right, we planned it this morning.

Melanie: Oh Rosie, are you being shy about talkin’ politics with me?

Rosie: Uh…no…

Melanie: Then let’s awl dig right in…it’d be just like our family git-togethers awn Thanksgivin’! Now Ah don’t see why we couldn’t administer a little torture to git some information outta these people.

Joy: Ever heard of the Geneva Convention? It’s against international law!

Elisabeth: But the information we extract from these terrorists can potentially save hundreds, if not, thousands of lives.

Rosie: Elisabeth, most of the people in these prisons aren’t terrorists! And we have seen cases where innocent people were tortured.

Elisabeth: I don’t believe these people are so innocent. And if we can extract just one potent information about a planned terrorist strike, then the torture would be justified.

Rosie: You are willing to let hundreds of innocent people be tortured?

Elisabeth: Yes, if it can potentially save lives…

Rosie: But it’s a known fact that information extracted during torture is unreliable. Tortured prisoners will say anything to…

Melanie: Oh Rosie, do you know how hard it is to git men to tawk??? Ah mean, how else are we supposed to git any kind of information outta them if it’s not about football, basketball, or wrestlin’. Ah mean, Ah swear sometimes Ah wish Ah had an electric cattle prod to use around the house just to get mah husband, Joel, to say anythin’ other than a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ or ‘huh?’. It’s like awl the men are workin’ fo the FBI or CIA and can’t divulge State secrets! But Ah do have a cousin on mah mother’s side who works at Langley and ironically, he tawks and tawks and tawks and doesn’t know whin to shut up…but we awl kinda suspect he is a closet homosexual…you know he TIVOs ‘The View’ and ‘Oprah’ everyday (laughing)…Oh! Ah don’t think Ah should have said that on national television…his wife Rita is goin’ ta kill me…

Rosie: And I would totally support her position…

Melanie: Well Rosie, Ah’m just tryin’ to be honest about family…

Rosie: Ma, stay on topic!

Joy: Our torture of prisoners has really damaged our reputation all over the world. Do you remember when pictures of prison torture at Abu Ghraib were released? There was such a backlash against Americans and that incident alone created more terrorists and hatred against us…

Elisabeth: But that was just the work of a few renegade soldiers who took matters into their own hands…

Rosie: Oh Elisabeth, do you really believe that torture at the Abu Ghraib prison was solely the work of these soldiers? The torture was ordered by the Bush Administration cronies…

Elisabeth: I don’t believe that. I think the soldiers took it upon themselves to interpret the orders in their own twisted way…

Rosie: Elisabeth, the military follows orders!!! That’s what they do and these orders sanctioning torture came from the higher chains of command, all the way up to George, Dick, and Karl!

Elisabeth: I read the order and it didn’t say anything about putting prisoners into sexual positions and degrading them…

Rosie: These soldiers would never do anything without authorization…

Melanie (gasps and cuts Rosie off): OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH Rosie, that reminds me, do you remember this past Thanksgivin’ when you refuse to answer mah question?

Rosie: What question?

Melanie (smiles): The question about…you know…mmmm hmmm…and Ah tried to git you spill the beans by ticklin’ ya…

Rosie: All right, moving on, next hot topic: Should children under five be allowed to go on the Internet? Elisabeth, take it!

Joy (to Melanie): Wait…what was the question?

Rosie: Stay outta this Joy!

Melanie: Oh come awn Rosie. This question has been on mah mind ever since and Ah just can’t figure it out. But you wouldn’t answer me no matter how much Ah tickled ya. OW!!! Stop kickin’ me under the table, Rosie…mah shins are very sensitive. It’s not like people can’t see you kickin’ me…it’s a glass table for God’s sake. Now maybe this is the only way AH can git you to answer me.

Rosie: No, Ma! Please no!!!

Melanie (to the audience): Do you awl wanna know what the question was???

The audience claps.

Rosie: Oh dear Lord, please help me. (on the verge of tears)

Melanie: Ah asked her how in the world do lesbians have sex? Ah just don’t understand how that would work. The equipment is just awl wrong…it just don’t fit. Ah mean, there is nothin’ to fit, if you know what Ah mean. (She winks at the audience and giggles)

Rosie (shaking her head): I won’t have this. I am not having my mother-in-law ask me about how lesbians have sex on LIVE national television…

Melanie: Now if it were between two men, Ah can sort of understand how that would work. They have a couple of thangs they can work with and they can sort of make do and improvise…

Rosie (at the top of her lungs): I AM NOT GOING TO DISCUSS THE MECHANICS OF LESBIAN SEX ON LIVE NATIONAL TELEVISION WITH MAH MOTHER-IN-LAW!!! END OF DISCUSSION, MA!!! NEXT HOT TOPIC!!!

Melanie: But two women?? Ah mean the only way Ah think it could possibly work is if there was some kind of toy involved…

She lets out a deep, long gasp.

Melanie: Is that how it is done???!!!…Usin’ some kind of equipment???!!!

Joy: Learn how to accessorize and the world is your oyster!

Elisabeth: Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!

The audience laughs. Rosie covers her ears and screams.

Rosie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At this point, Bill Geddie, one of the executive producers, runs out of the stage entrance. He is followed by Barbara Walters, who is tied up with rope and gagged. She hops out of the entrance, as her legs are still tied. They are flanked by two security guards.

Bill: SHE’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THE SURPRISE GUEST CO-HOST!!! IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE KATHY GRIFFIN!!! BARBARA AND I WERE KNOCKED UNCONSCIOUS AND TIED UP ALL MORNING!!! AND GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT HAPPENED TO KATHY GRIFFIN!!! WE HAVE A STUDIO SECURITY BREACH!!! WE’RE LOCKING DOWN THE ENTIRE STUDIO!!!

Melanie: What??? But Ah was contacted by one of your producers…

Bill (walking up to her): WHO??? WHO CONTACTED YOU???!!!

Melanie: This woman with a strange European accent. Ah think she said her name was ‘MELANIA’.

Rosie (coming to an awful realization): WHAT DID YOU SAY HER NAME WAS???!!!

At this point, everyone turns to see a gray-haired man in the audience laughing hysterically but trying to keep it under wraps. Rosie looks closely at him.

Rosie: Wait a minute. I know that face!

The man stops laughing and freezes. Rosie runs up to him and pulls off his gray wig. The man stands up defiantly. Everyone gasps! IT’S DONALD TRUMP!!!

Donald: I GOT YOU GOOD, MY FAT, LITTLE ROSIE!!!

Rosie (enraged): YOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUU BASTAAAAAAAAAAAAARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[MUSIC CUE: Start ABBA’s ‘Waterloo’ - click here to hear the song at Free Napster!]

Rosie lunges at him but Donald jumps out of her way and climbs over the other audience members to escape. Rosie pursues him, toppling everyone along the way. Audience members scream as they run out of the way of the feverish pursuit.

Rosie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Donald: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Barbara Walters, still tied up and wriggling under the ropes, manages to spit out her gag. She jumps up and down, hoping to catch someone’s attention.

Barbara: WILL SOMEBODY PLEEEEEEEEEEASE UNTIE ME!!!!!!

No one hears her as everyone watches Rosie chasing Donald all over the audience seats. People are running and screaming all over the set - it’s pure pandemonium. Donald throws chairs into Rosie’s path as she pursues him. Rosie tries to cut him off by taking an alternate path but Donald doubles back. Finally, Rosie runs to the top tier of seats and makes a giant leap off of it.

Rosie: KAMIKAZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She lands right smack on Donald’s head and crushes him under her weight. Sitting on top of him, she pulls off yet another wig, revealing a completely bald Donald. She holds up the wig triumphantly.

Rosie: I KNEW IT!!! I KNEW IT!!! I KNEW IT WAS A WIG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rosie tosses the wig. [Fade out ABBA’s ‘Waterloo’]

Rosie (speaking to one of the cameras): Put me on camera!

She then lifts her hand up in a grand gesture.

Rosie: THIS IS FOR CALLING ME FAT!!!

She swoops her hand down and smacks Donald on one side of the head.

Donald: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rosie: THIS IS FOR CALLING ME UGLY!!!

She smacks the other side of his head.

Donald: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rosie makes a fist and brings it back.

Rosie: AND THIS IS FOR INSULTING ALL THE WOMEN IN AMERICA WITH YOUR MISOGYNY!!!

She slugs him right between the eyes.

Donald: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Donald cranes his neck and bites Rosie on the leg.

Rosie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

[Restart ABBA’s ‘Waterloo’] She turns and tries to choke Donald, who in turn, bites her even harder. The two security guards, along with Bill, Joy, Elisabeth, Melanie run up to them and try to pull them apart but without much success.

Rosie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! YOU BASTARD!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bill: GO TO COMMERCIAL!!! GO TO COMMERCIAL!!!

Rosie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The End. [Fade out ABBA’s ‘Waterloo’]