Paris Hilton is riding inside the Hummer, along with Donald Trump and Barbara Walters. There is a partition inside the vehicle that separates the driver from the passengers. Paris looks at Donald Trump dumbfounded. Another black Hummer trails them as security. They are traveling on a deserted two-lane highway somewhere in northern Arizona.

Paris: What are you high??!!

Barbara: Dear, I know you don’t believe us, but the simple fact is - we are your birth pawents - and that’s the twuth.

Paris: Wait a minute, Barbara, my parents threw a party for your 77th last year. And so you’re telling me you gave birth to me when you were…

She takes out her cell phone and presses some keys.

Barbara: Ok, so I was a bit past my child-beawing years.

Paris: …53??!!

Barbara: Well, we thought it was impossible too. That’s why we weren’t cautious.

Donald: Hey, my tough little guys can fertilize anything.

Paris: Oh God, I don’t want to know the details. (playing along) So how do my parents fit into this?

Barbara: Well…it’s a long stowy. But in order for you to understand it, I need you to open your mind and wealize that there is a gweater reality behind this evewyday world.

Barbara looks intently at Paris.

Paris: You mean like my couture dress is never really couture because the designers use me as their walking advertisements as a step towards mass producing their designs for K-Mart?

Barbara: Dear, I think you have seen one too many flashbulbs to wealize that the gweater weality of the world does not wevolve Pawis Hilton.

Paris: Well, then you’ll have to explain it to me…

Barbara: The twuth is humans live many, many lives here on Earth. That is an esotewic and spiwitual twuth that you must simply accept. And you, Donald, and I are inextwicably linked by our welationships fwom past lives. And because of this fact, there are forces in this world who want to extwact certain past life memowies buwied deep in your mind.

Paris looks at her in dismay and then laughs.

Paris: Well this is a first. Whoever these forces are, I’d like to thank them for the compliment because it’s first time anyone wanted me for my mind. What could they possibly want from the depths of my mind?

Barbara: That’s a good question. (pause) You are the weincarnation of someone who witnessed the completion of an extwaordinary technology in the heydays of Atlantis - a technology so amazing, it will change the world forever.

Paris looks at Barbara crossed-eyed.

Paris: I’ve never been to the Bahamas.

Barbara: Not the wesort you, bimbo! The mythical ancient civilization of Atlantis! Oh God, why do I even bother??!!

Paris: I don’t understand. So, why are you kidnapping me?

Barbara: Well, we’re not exactly kidnapping you. We are just pweventing you fwom falling into the wrong hands.

Paris: Is that why the MOOPs want me? Because I have some past life memory of a technology they want?

Donald: Now you’re catching on. By god, you DO have the Trump genes!

Barbara looks at Donald in contempt.

Barbara: Easy Donald. Those same Twump genes landed her in jail.

Paris: How do you know about this past life? Did you consult with Sylvia Browne or someone like that?

Barbara: We are pwivy to a lot of information that you are not aware of.

Paris: Is this what I missed by not watching ‘20-20′??

Donald: I don’t watch that news rag and I am more brilliant the next guy.

Barbara rolls her eyes.

Barbara: We have sources unavailable to the genewal public.

Paris: Who are you people? Are you the MIPs - the people who want Men In Power…also called the Illuminati??

Barbara and Donald look at her with surprise.

Barbara: Well, I see you have been bwiefed in jail more extensively than we thought. Nice to see that there was more than just hanky-panky going on in that jailhouse.

Donald: How much lesbian action really goes on in jail?

Barbara elbows Donald.

Donald: Were you a LURD?

Barbara: What’s a LURD?

Paris and Donald (together): Lesbian Until Release Date.

Paris and Donald look at each other with astonishment. Barbara sighs.

Barbara (to Donald): I am impwessed with your knowledge of pwison lingo. I’m not even going to ask you how you know this.

Donald (to Paris): When you did your bit, were you a swinging door?

Paris: You better watch what you say or I’ll smack your chip and chase.

Donald: Did you at least catch a ride in the big yard?

Paris: Of course I did. I used to spot the mule that came off the chain and get the sack stashed in the keister!

Donald: I hope the C.U.S. didn’t see you.

Paris: Well, we did this in the I.K. And if there was a shake-down, we’d just throw the bag on a fish or a ding.

Donald: You’re a pistol!

Pause.

Barbara: And people say that I am sometimes hard to understand??

Paris: I still don’t understand. If I was privy to some kind of advanced technological information, what does this have to do with you or Donald?

Barbara sighs.

Barbara: In the days of Atlantis, Donald was one of seven scientists who had compartmentalized knowledge of this technology. No one person understood the entirety of it. Even though they have located the reincarnation of the other six scientists and have been able to extwact their past-life technological know-how, the technology wemains incomplete because Donald would never divulge his knowledge of it. However, it has been discovered that there was a witness to the completion of this secwet technology. Now, through the extwaordinary spiwitual abilities of our opponents, they have been able to locate the identity of that assistant - you. How? We don’t know. We took evewy pwecaution to conceal you. We severed ties with you as soon as spiwitualists identified you as the assistant from that life and gave you away to the Hiltons. The secwet of this technology is more important than anything or anyone in this world.

Paris: Wow, you mean I was some kind of lab scientist??

Donald looks at Barbara. Pause.

Barbara: Sort of. More of an assistant.

Paris: And what was your relationship to Donald in that past life?

Barbara: I…was his wife.

Paris cackles.

Barbara: What’s so funny?

Paris: No one wonder he ’sold you out’ during the feud with Rosie. He has a habit of betraying all his wives, in present life or past.

Donald (moving towards Paris menacingly): Listen you little skank…

Barbara (stops him with her hand): Back off, daddy deawest!

Paris: So what is this technology? Some kind of bomb?

Barbara: It is not important for you to know that wight now.

Paris: Why not? If you are so intent on preventing others from getting information on it, you should at least tell me what it is exactly.

Barbara: We will tell you at another time.

Paris looks at them and ponders.

Paris: You don’t want to tell me because if I knew what it could do to change the world, then I would be more intent on going back to the MOOPs with the information. Isn’t that right?

Donald: Those Trump genes are working overtime, eh??

Paris: And how would anyone extract this information from me? I don’t want my head to be cut open or anything.

Barbara looks at Donald smugly.

Barbara: Yes, those Twump genes are weally kicking in.

Donald: The bimbo side comes from you - (pointing at Barbara’s hair) the blonde factor.

Barbara: I’m not a weal…

Barbara stops herself.

Barbara (to Paris): We will answer all your questions in due time, Pawis.

Paris: I still don’t believe you’re my birth parents. I think you two will say just about anything to get me to cooperate with you and the MIPs. Also, I think you two are just bonkers…past lives? Atlantis? Some super duper secret technology? Did Shirley Maclaine drug you or something? Come off it! You haven’t convinced me of anything…in fact, quite the opposite…

Paris snickers.

Donald: Paris, do you remember playing ‘chef’ with your dad when you were little?

Paris: Yes, but how did you know that…?

Donald: Do you remember you had your dad make these pancakes with your ‘easybake oven’?

Paris: Yes…

Donald: And what did your dad do to the pancakes?

Paris: You tell me…

Donald: He burned them didn’t he?

Paris gasps.

Paris: Yes.

Donald: And what did you say to your dad, in this ferocious voice, even though you were only four.

Paris: …I said…

Donald and Paris (in unison): YOU’RE FIRED!!!

Donald: And what did you say to your dad when he kept setting off the buzzer in the game of ‘Operation’?

Donald and Paris (in unison): YOU’RE FIRED!!!

Donald: And what did you say to your mom when you fell off the swing she was pushing?

Donald and Paris (in unison): YOU’RE FIRED!!!

Barbara reacts to the memory.

Donald: See? Like father, like daughter.

Paris is astonished and speechless. Donald takes Paris’ hand.

Donald: Paris, I was the dad in those earliest memories. I AM your father.

Paris thinks of the imponderable fact and shrieks in terror.

Paris: Noooo!!!Nooo!!! That’s not true!!! THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!!!

Donald: Search your feelings, you know it to be true!

Paris cries out despondently

Paris: NOOOOOO!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

The driver comes on the intercom.

Driver (over the intercom): We are being followed by two cars and a police car is trailing them.

Donald and Barbara look out the back and sees two cars, one driven by Kathy Griffin and the other by Janette, following the security-Hummer behind them. A police car, driven by Officer Blitski, follows Kathy and company with its sirens blaring.

Barbara (to the driver): Tell the men I want both cars taken out!

Driver (over the intercom): What about the police car?

Barbara: TAKE THEM ALL OUT!!!

Driver (over the intercom): Yes, m’am.

Two rear windows on the black security-Hummer behind them are lowered and two men dressed in black suits fire upon the cars driven by the MOOPs. Joy, Rosie, Oprah and Gayle, are in the car driven by Kathy. Alec, Lynette, and Helene are in the other car driven by Janette. Shots are returned by Joy, Gayle, Oprah, Alec, Helene, and Lynette. Rosie, sitting between Gayle and Oprah in the backseat, covers hear ears in fright. Their bullets bounce off the bullet-proof Hummer - even the tires are impervious. Meanwhile, the two cars are sustaining a lot of damage from shots fired by the MIPs. Oprah is shot in the arm; she screams out in pain.

Kathy (screaming at the other car): We’re going to have backoff. We can’t sustain anymore hits.

Janette (screaming): We can’t! There is a police car right on our tail!

Kathy (screaming): Alec! Do your thing and get Blitski off of us!

Alec takes his cell phone and with his other hand, reaches inside his pants and pulls out the number Blitski had stuffed into his bikini earlier. He dials.

Alec (into the cell phone): Hello, officer Blitski?

Officer Blitski (excitedly on the cell phone): Is this Alec?

There is a lot of ferocious screaming by Alec and within seconds, the police cars pulls over to the side of the road, makes a quick U-turn, and speeds off in the opposite direction. The MOOPs all cheer Alec’s successful call.

Joy: Oh I’ve got to get a recording of that! No one would ever mess with me again at work, not even Barbara Walters!

Kathy: I’ll get a recording for you, Joy, but it’s not going to be free. What are you kidding me? There’s a huuuuge market for this! I’m copyrighting it and selling it on HSN! It’ll outsell Suzanne Somer’s ‘Thighmaster’!

Joy: What are you going to call it? The ‘Frightmaster’??

Kathy: Hmmm…that’s not too bad. I’ll work on it.

Joy: All right, let’s get back to reality here. Now does anyone have the cell number of the driver of that Hummer?

Kathy: No, we don’t have that kind of luck.

There are more shots fired at their car. They all duck.

Joy: What are we going to do? I haven’t crouched this far down in a car since I went parking as a teen!

Kathy (screaming to the other car): Janette, follow my lead!

The two cars suddenly speed up and run past the security-Hummer and they both come along either side of the Hummer carrying Paris. The security-Hummer speed up as well and gets behind the first Hummer; they continue to fire shots at the MOOPs. The two cars slam against the Hummer, squeezing it tightly in the middle.

Kathy (screaming): JANETTE, ON THE COUNT OF THREE! ONE, TWO, THREE!!!

The two cars brake suddenly, causing the Hummer to also deccelerate unexpectedly. In response, the security-Hummer also brakes and turns off the road to avoid colliding with the Hummer directly ahead of it. As a result of turning so sharply, the security-Hummer rolls over, turning several times before settling in the dust of the desert.

The MOOPs rejoice vociferously. The two cars separate from the Hummer. The Hummer resumes its speed as does the two cars, flanking the Hummer on both sides once again.

Kathy (yelling at the Hummer): PARIS!!!

Paris tries to lower her window and open her car door, but they’re both locked.

Barbara: Don’t bother. It is locked by the dwiver.

Paris thinks for a moment and then presses the intercom. She mimicks Barbara Walter’s voice perfectly.

Paris (in a Barbara Walter’s voice): Donald dwopped another stink bomb in here. Open all the windows!

All the windows on the Hummer are lowered immediately. Barbara quickly presses the intercom button.

Barbara: Close them you fool! That was not I!

Paris quickly climbs out the window and onto the roof of the Hummer before the windows close. Kathy pulls her car right alongside the Hummer. Rosie climbs onto the roof of the car.

Gayle: Rosie what are you doing?!

Rosie: I’m going to grab onto Paris when she jumps over. (to Paris) Paris! Jump! I’ll make sure you don’t fall!

Crouched on one corner of the car-roof, Rosie has one hand on the edge and another hand extended towards Paris.

The window of the Hummer is lowered and Donald sticks himself out. He tries to grab Paris, and in doing so, he blocks her path and distracts her. Paris tries to slap him back inside but Donald manages to block her strikes.

Donald: Paris! Join me! And together, we can rule the MIPs as father and daughter. Come with me, it is the only way!

Rosie: Go for the rug, Paris! Go for the rug!

Paris snatches the hairpiece off of Donald’s head, revealing his baldness.

Paris: Dad, YOU’RE FIRED!!!

She throws the hairpiece onto the front windshield of the Hummer.

Donald: NOOOOO!!! AAAAAHHHHHHH!!! Lower the partition!! Lower the partition!!

Donald ducks back inside the car and tries to go through the lowered partition, but he gets himself stuck in it. Barbara slaps his behind repeatedly.

Barbara: You sad, sad, stupid, vain man!!!

The Hummer begins to swerve, making it difficult for Paris to have a firm footing and judge the distance between the two vehicles. Paris makes a quick assessment and jumps onto the roof of Kathy’s car. Rosie grabs onto her just as she begins to loose her footing. Kathy pulls away from the Hummer but the Hummer closes the gap between them and begins to slam her car. Paris quickly jumps inside the car through the window. Rosie tries to follow her back inside the car but when the Hummer slams the car, she loses her grip and falls off the speeding car. Everyone screams in horror! Kathy brakes the car immediately; Janette, in the other car, follows suit. The Hummer speeds off into the distance. They all get out the car and run over to Rosie. Paris bends over to see if she’s breathing. She grabs Rosie’s wrist and checks for a pulse. Paris begins to administer CPR on Rosie immediately.

Kathy: Rosie! Please, dear God, no!!

Everyone holds their breath in agonizing suspense as Paris continues to administer CPR.

Joy: Come on Rosie!!! You can do it!!!

Paris: No, Rosie, NOOO!!!

After several minutes of futile attempts at resuscitation, they all resign to the dreaded fact that Rosie is dead. Paris slumps over her body and cries. They all sob deeply over Rosie’s death.

(to be continued)…

Officer Russo and Officer Blitski escort Oprah and Gayle into the assembly hall of the “Christian Love Rehabilitation Center.” A banner is hung over the proscenium, displaying the name of the center. A placard that reads, “Special guest speaker - Ted Haggard. Topic - How God Gave Me A Second Chance As A Heterosexual,” sits on a stand near the stage. An assemblage of about 100 members, mostly men, are seated and listening to Ted Haggard speak at the podium. Oprah, Gayle, and the officers take seats on the side closest to the door. No one appears to recognize Oprah or Gayle, as they hide their faces behind flyers and pamplets picked up on the way in.

Ted: …and I grabbed wife’s hand and we got down on my hands and knees, and I prayed and prayed, crying out to the Heavens, “Why have we fallen before Thee, Oh Lord?? Why?? Why have you allowed us to sin and break our allegiance to You and Your Laws??” And I collapsed onto the floor, crying my heart out for an hour, feeling sorry for myself and my pitiful marriage. Then suddenly, this big, frightful, thunderstorm came upon us. And I grabbed my wife’s hand and we ran out into the backyard. Standing in the drenching downpour, I looked up into the sky and I screamed, “OH LORD, STRIKE US DOWN WITH A BOLT OF LIGHTNING FROM UP ABOVE FOR WE HAVE EGREGIOUSLY SINNED!!!” And there were flashes of lightning and thunder all around us. And then I yelled out, “IF IT IS YOUR WISH THAT WE ARE TO BE GIVEN A SECOND CHANCE TO MAKE OUR LIVES PURE AGAIN AND SINLESS, THEN LET US STAND HERE IN THE STORM OF YOUR WRATH UNHARMED!” And you know what, not one of the hundreds of lightning bolts I witnessed that afternoon struck us. GOD HAD TAKEN PITY ON US AND GRANTED US A SECOND CHANCE!! And I got down on my hands and knees and kissed the ground and vowed that I will rehabilitate myself to lead a complete and true Christian life. And I when I am well again, I will lead a crusade to help all homosexuals realize the sinful ways of their Godless lives…

There is a loud pounding on the door through which Oprah and Gayle had just entered.

Ted: …and make it my life’s mission to reform…

The pounding on the door continues. Ted stops and looks at the door. The center’s president, seated in the audience, addresses the knocker.

President: The door’s unlocked. Just come in.

The door creaks open and Kathy Griffin sticks her head in.

Kathy: Excuse me, I’m looking for the “Christian Love Rehabilitation Center”?? I want to sign up for the fast-track program for permanent conversion from fierce lesbian to Christian hetero??

Ted: Ah, well, you’ve come to the right place. Just take a seat. We’re right in the middle of the meeting…

Kathy steps in and moves towards empty seats on the side, near Oprah, Gayle, and the officers.

Kathy: Oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t meant to disrupt anyone…

Ted: That’s quite all right, m’am. We are just glad that you could make it…

Kathy takes a seat, but just as soon she sits down, she jumps out of her seat, completely wide-eyed.

Kathy: OH MY GOD!!! YOU’RE…YOU’RE….

She moves towards the podium.

Kathy: YOU’RE TED HAGGARD!!!

Ted: Uh, yes, I am, but we’re in the middle of…

Kathy approaches Ted.

Kathy: You have no idea what it means to me that you’re here!! You are such an inspiration to me…your rehabilitation is nothing short of a modern day miracle!!

Ted (overlapping): Well, thank you kindly, but please take your seat with the others…

Kathy grabs Ted and hugs him.

Kathy: You have made me want to stop wearing my toolbelt and put on an apron, as God intended me to do.

Ted: Yes, I will get to that, but right now, I was talking about my…

Kathy (overlapping): You have made me want to trade in my baseball cleats for a pair of Jimmy Choo pumps.

Ted (overlapping): Now, please, won’t you take a seat..with the rest of…

The president of the center rushes up to Kathy and tries to guide her back to her seat. Kathy pushes him away.

President (overlapping): Please, madam, Mr. Haggard is the middle of his speech, and you’re being very disruptive.

Kathy (overlapping): You have made me want to be a real woman again - the way God intended since that little minx Eve made Adam eat more than just her apple.

She sidles up to Ted and looks at him seductively. Ted backs away in terror. Officer Russo stands up.

Officer Russo: I know this jokester! She is not here to rehabilitate herself. She is putting you on - Making a fool of you! And disrupting everybody!

Kathy: Ok, you’ve got me. You have exposed me for the fraud and brazen, lascivious heterosexual hussy that I am! But this is fresh coming from an officer who blackmailed Oprah and Gayle (she points to them) into giving him money because he discovered that they were dry-humping each other on the side of the road and threatened to expose them. OFFICER RUSSO!!! ISN’T THAT RIGHT???!!!

The audience gasps and turn to look at them all. Oprah and Gayle sink lower into their seats.

President: Please m’am, I’m going to have ask you to leave…

Kathy: Sit down, cock-sucker, and listen to what I have to say.

President: Well!…

Ted: Now wait a minute here, I am the guest speaker here.

Kathy pulls out a gun from the back of her pants and shoots off a shot into the ceiling. The audience reacts with terror, some ducking behind their chairs. Ted grabs the president and pulls him in front of his body to shield himself.

Kathy: Every sit down and shut the fuck up!

Ted and the president scramble to their seats. Officer Russo stands up and reaches for his pistol.

Kathy: Don’t even try it Russo or I will report your blackmailing ass to your chief of police. Now put away your viagara-substitute before somebody gets hurt.

Officer Russo begrudgingly holsters his pistol and sits down. Officer Blitski is all smiles, wide-eyed, and clapping. Officer Russo looks at Blitski with disgust.

Officer Blitski: Oh Frank, you’re going to love this. Her stand-up just kills me every time!

Kathy: Ladies and gentleman. I’m Kathy Griffin. I’m sorry about the way I barged in here…well, no, actually, I’m not. But let’s cut through the bullshit and get right to the chase. First of all, I want to ask all of you - BEING A HOMOSEXUAL IS A SIN!!! RIGHT???

There are nods in the audience.

Kathy: LIVING AS A HOMOSEXUAL IS A SIN!!! RIGHT???

Audience members: Yes…

Kathy: WHY??

The audience is silent.

Kathy: Anyone?? Anyone? Bueller??

Audience member: Because the Bible says so!

Kathy: THAT’S RIGHT!!! BECAUSE THE BIBLE SAYS SO!!! AND I TOTALLY AGREE!!! IF THE BIBLE SAYS IT IS A SIN TO BE GAY AND THEN ALL GAYS MUST CEASE AND DESIST THEIR HOMOSEXUAL BEHAVIORS IMMEDIATELY OR ELSE FACE THE WRATH OF GOD AND BURN IN THE ETERNAL FLAMES OF HELL ON JUDGEMENT DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The audience is taken aback by her ferocity.

Kathy: Who agrees with me????

A few people clap. Then the claps become more numerous, build, and then finally blooms into a full applause. Oprah and Gayle clap weakly, shocked by what Kathy is saying. Ted and the President are surprised at her position. Kathy puts her hand up and the applause ceases.

Kathy: But guess what else the Bible says??? (pause) It also says…The eating of fat is prohibited forever, Leviticus 3:17. (she points to a fat man in the front)..So what the fuck have you been doing all this time, porky?? It also says…you cannot round the corners of your beard or the hair on your temples, Leviticus 19:27. And witches should be killed, Exodus 22:18. The congregation must be a bastard freezone - not even the bastard’s children to the 10th generation can set foot in a church, Deuteronomy 23:2. Handicapped people could not approach God, Leviticus 16-23. Entrance into the assembly of the Lord was granted only to those with complete testicles, Deuteronmy 23:1. DROP THEM AND LET’S SEE WHO IS GOING TO HELL WITH ONE CHESTNUT ROASTING OVER AN OPEN FIRE!!!

Audience member: Oh this is ridiculous! You are making all this up!!

Kathy takes out a Bible from under her cleavage - it is full of post-it references - and throws it at the guy.

Kathy: Don’t you heckle this church-lady! See for yourself, ye of little faith!!!

He picks the bible and flips it to a “post-ited”-page, and reads it while scratching his head in disbelief.

Kathy: What else?? Anyone working on the Sabbath is to be killed, Exodus 32:2; Menstruating women and everything they touch are unclean and they only way they can be clean is for the priest to kill a couple of pigeons, Leviticus 15:19-30. If a couple has sex during the woman’s period, the two are to be cut off from their people, Leviticus 20:18. Homosexual men are to be executed, Leviticus 20:13. I should blow all your fucking heads off right now.

She takes out her gun again and wields it, pointing it freely at the audience. Some people duck.

Kathy: If a woman grabs a man’s privates during a fight, her hand is to be cut off, Deuteronomy 25:11 and 12. I don’t understand - now what if I kicked a man in the groin, does that mean my foot is to be sawed off? See?…The Bible is just full of loopholes isn it?? Another law - false prophets are to be killed by their own parents, Zechariah 13:3. Stubborn children are to be stoned, and the stoning is to instigated by their parents, Deuteronomy 21: 18-21. I wish I’d known this years back when my ten year old nephew refused to stop badgering me for a fucking Nintendo set. “But Aunt Kathy, I want a Nintendo set. My parents are too cheap and everyone in my class has one….” KAPOWWWWW!!!!!!!

Kathy mimicks throwing a stone at a kid. The audience reacts with shock.

Kathy: What else??? Oh yes, Exodus 21 is a real winner - it says a man could sell his daughter to pay off a debt, and that you could beat your slave, almost to the point of death, and foreign slaves could be kept forever and willed to your descendants, where as Hebrew slaves could be kept for a maximum of seven years!!! See, I just need a year. A sex slave, foreign or jewish, would only interest me for about a year, maybe less. God, if only I could have chained David Duchovny to my basement for a year and make him fuck my brains out. And the list of these idiotic laws and illegalities just go on and on and on. Need I say more???

Audience member: But everyone knows that these rules and restrictions are ridiculous and not to be taken seriously with the other laws.

Kathy (waving her finger at the woman): Oh, no, no, no, no, no! You cannot pick and choose, honey. If you are looking to the Bible for a moral code, you cannot pick and choose what you want like you are at a smorgosbord. You have to take the whole kitten kaboodle! You better live by every word of the Bible or you and the generations after you are going to hell!

There is much clamor and confusion in the audience. Ted stands up and goes up to Kathy.

Ted: You are just a red-demon trying to cast a spell over these good people who want to live a clean, Christian life.

Kathy takes her gun and jabs it into his groin.

Kathy: Do you want to enter the Kingdom of Heaven?? Cause I can make it an eternal impossibility right now.

Ted grabs his balls and sits down. The young man with Kathy’s bible stands up and cries out.

Young man: My God, everything she said checks out. Why didn’t I see this before?!

Kathy: Because you have been following the words of others and not thinking for yourself! And the church has been following a text that advocates prejudice, cruelty, superstition, and murder! And the only way I explain it is this…THE BIBLE IS BULLSHIT!

The audience gasps.

Kathy: THE BIBLE IS NOT A DICTATION OR TRANSCRIPTION OF GOD’S WORDS!!! IT WAS WRITTEN BY MEN AS CLUELESS AS YOU ARE IN ORDER TO CONTROL OTHERS!!! THE BIBLE CANNOT BE TAKEN LITERALLY - IT IS NOT ABSOLUTE!!! TEN BILLION SPECIES ON AN ARK? GIVE ME A BREAK - EMBARRASSING! DON’T LOOK TO THE BIBLE FOR A MORAL CODE. BE WHO YOU DEEPLY WANT TO BE!!! BE TOTALLY GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! I NEED MY GAYS!!! WHERE ARE MY GAYS!!!

At this point, Ted is crying from an inner turmoil. He runs up to Kathy and grabs her.

Ted: WHY DO I HAVE THIS INSATIABLE DESIRE TO BE WITH MEN??? TO KISS THEM!! TO MAKE LOVE TO THEM!!! WHY DO MEN WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO OTHER MEN????!!!! I DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS UNHOLY FEELING!!!!

Kathy: HIT IT FELLAS!!!

The song ‘Because We Can’ by Fatboy Slim comes on the speakers. Nine hunky men in skimpy black bikinis enter the room and begin to dance in front of the audience. Dance poles rise out of the floor and the boys dance seductively around them.

[CLICK HERE to hear Fatboy Slim’s ‘Because We Can’ on Free Napster!]

Hunky Dancers (singing):
Because we can, can, can
Yes we can, can, can, can
Can, can, can, can, can
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Everybody can, can, etc.

The song is interrupted by a presence hanging from the ceiling. The room darkens and a spotlight is cast upon the ceiling, revealing Alec Baldwin poised on a swing, in nothing but a top hat and a black bikini studded with diamonds. Everyone looks up to see him, as sparkles of glitter rain down.

Dancer: It’s him! It’s the Sparkling Diamond!

The song ‘Sparkling Diamonds’ [lyrics revised] from the movie Moulin Rouge begins. Alec parodies Nicole Kidman’s performance. [CLICK HERE to see Moulin Rouge’s ‘Sparking Diamonds’ on YouTube!]

Alec (singing):
The French are glad to die for love
They delight in fighting duels
but I prefer a man who lives
and gives expensive jewels

Alec swings over an audience of cheering men. After a few passes above the room, he descends to the floor and sings and dances to the crowd of captivated and excited gay men from the center.

Alec (singing):
A kiss on the hand may be quite continental
But diamonds are a boy’s best friend
A kiss may be grand but it won’t pay the rental
On your humble flat or help you feed your pussycat

The gay men are all titillated by Alec. Some try to cop a feel on Alec’s behind but he slaps their hands away. Alec grabs the cash tips from the men, even allowing a couple of them to stuff their bills into his bikini. He also snatches diamond jewelry the dancers dangle before him. An older guy steps out of line, slaps Alec’s behind, and falls back laughing. The dancers carry Alec around the room as he flirts with the crowd.

Men grow cold as, boys grow old
And we all lose our charms in the end
But square-cut or pear-shaped
These rocks don’t lose their shape
Diamonds are a girls best friend

Tiffany! Cartier!

The dancers set Alec down and he dances seductively before the audience men.

Cause we are living in a material world
And I am a material boy

The audience men surround Alec and lift him up and then rotate him.

Come and get me boys!

Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!

Black Star, Roscor! Talk to me, Harry Zilder, tell me all about it!

They set him on top of a table. Officer Blitski jumps on it to dance with Alec.

There may come a time when a guy needs a lawyer
But diamonds are a boy’s best friend
There may come a time when a hard-boiled employer
Thinks you’re awful nice, but get that ice or else no dice

Officer Blitski: You are so hot, Alec!

Alec: Don’t I know it!

Officer Blitski: Will you call me sometime?

Alec: Only if you want me to.

Officer Blitski (holding up a piece of paper): Oh I want you to. Here’s my number.

Alec: You know where that goes.

Officer Blitski smiles and sheepishly stuffs it into Alec’s binkini. Blitski squeals and blushes.

Officer Blitski: Oh, and if I don’t answer, be sure to leave a number on my voicemail.

Alec: Sorry, no can do. I don’t leave messages on voicemails anymore.

Officer Blitski: Oh? Why not?

Alec: My God, have you been under a rock??!!

The dancers carry Alec from the table and spin him about for the final part of the song. Alec jumps off and makes the final pose in front of Ted.

(Alec resumes his singing)
Cause thats when those louses go back to their spouses
Diamonds, are a boy’s beeeeeessssssst friend!

The song and performance concludes and everyone claps and cheers their performance.

Ted: Now will somebody please play our ‘gay anthem’?? I so much need to hear it!

Kathy: ‘Our’, Ted? Glad to see you back in true sinful form.

Ted: Kathy, thank you for showing all of us the true light.

Gay Men: Yes, thank you Kathy….we love you…you have saved us.

He kisses her on the hand reverently.

Kathy: Are you kidding me? You’re my bread and butter!

Ted: You are our messiah!

Kathy: Awww shucks. Well, you know, if you’ve taken it up the ass like 50 times and still won’t accept that you’re gay, then you need a mack truck to be dropped on you. And that’s where I come in. Anyway, welcome to the Kathy Griffin fan base. Another day, another gay, (sigh)…another Christian defector joining the ever-growing Kathy empire.

Ted smiles sheepishly at her.

Alec: All right, all right (breaks them up)…stop moving in on my gal. What’s the song? I don’t think I’ve rehearsed it! (he puts his hand on his hips effeminately)

Kathy: Well, I was going to have you guys do a dance number to it but… having you guys freefall from the ceiling would have been a bit over zealous, even for me. HIT IT!

The song ‘It’s Raining Men’ comes on. [CLICK HERE to hear The Weather Girls’ ‘It’s Raining Men’ at Free Napster!] At this point, Rosie O’Donnell, in her blonde wig, and Paris Hilton, in her dark wig, enter the room with Joy Behar, Lynette, Helene, and Janette, and they all join in the dance. Rosie lip synchs to every word of the song perfectly. Everyone dances exuberantly. Ted dances eagerly with one of the hot male dancers. Officer Blitski is hogging Alec all to himself as the president tries to cut in. Kathy, Paris, and Joy dance with the few lesbians that are in the room. Joy keeps stopping the hands of this woman from sliding down to her buttocks. Afterwhile, she just gives up and lets the woman squeeze her cheeks. The only person not dancing and enjoying himself is Officer Russo, who is standing in a corner glowering at the spectacle before him.

A group of male dancers, unseen before, come over to Paris and lift her up. They carry her around the room as she poses seductively. Then, without warning, they carry her right out of the room.

Rosie: Kathy, where are your dancers taking Paris?

Kathy catches sight of the dancers taking Paris out the door. She looks across the room and sees that her dancers are dancing with the gays.

Kathy: Wait a minute! I didn’t hire those guys!

Rosie: What??

They both maneuver through the crowd towards the door.

Kathy (to Rosie): Round up the rest of our group, including Oprah and Gayle. I think Paris is in trouble!

Kathy makes her way through the crowded room towards the door and runs after Paris. Rosie rounds up the gang to follow Kathy. On her way out, Rosie’s wig gets caught on a guy’s watch and he accidentally pulls it off her head.

Guy: Oh my God, I’m so sorry!

Rosie tries to unsnag it but it won’t come off.

Rosie: Oh just keep it! It’ll look better on you.

The guy recognizes her.

Guy: Rosie? Are you Rosie O’Donnell??

Rosie doesn’t answer but goes out the door. Officer Russo also recognizes Rosie and runs after her.

Meanwhile the men who kidnapped Paris move her towards a black Hummer parked outside the center’s building.

Paris: Put me down! Help!! Somebody help me! I’m being kidnapped!

They throw her into the Hummer. She sits up and sees the occupants of the car, sitting in the seats behind her. It’s Barbara Walters and Donald Trump!

Barbara: Driver, go!

The Hummer speeds away.

Paris: My god, you will stop at nothing to get an exclusive, will you??

Barbara: Just calm down, dear. I am not going to interview you. I make it a wule not to interview people who snub me.

Paris: Whew! Now I know I won’t be tortured.

Barbara: Watch your mouth. It’s becoming smarter than your bwain.

Paris looks at Donald.

Paris: And what do you have to say?

Donald: You are so much my type. Too bad you’re our daughter.

(to be continued)…