Rosie is water-skiing in a cove near her mother’s house in the afterlife realm. She is being pulled by an energy ball that’s skimming along the surface of the water at breakneck speed. Rosie is having a blast, screaming and laughing as she is dragged along surface of the water. Rosie’s mom steps out of the house situated on a hill overlooking the cove and calls out to Rosie. Without having to shout, her voice carries easily to Rosie.

Rosie’s Mom: Rosie! Lunch is ready!

Rosie: Ok, give me five more….(she laughs at herself)…I keep forgetting there is no time here…I’ll be there in a jiffy!

The energy ball seems to understand that Rosie needs to go and it maneuvers to give Rosie one last run around the cove. It picks up speed and then suddenly submerges under the surface of the water, dragging a very surprised Rosie under water. The ball then shoots out of the water taking Rosie up into the air. She lands perfectly on the water surface and screams with exhilaration.

Rosie: WOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! FANTASTIC!!!

The energy ball curves around the cove and flicks Rosie towards the shore.

Rosie: WAAAAAAAaaaaa……thanks you…ball thing…whatever you are. See you soon!

The energy ball flashes her a light in acknowledgment and flies off. Rosie balances herself on the ski as she skims across the surface of the cove towards the shore.

Rosie: This is fantastic!! Look Ma, no hands!!

Suddenly, Rosie is hit a wave of sadness and in her mind’s eye, she sees, hears, and feels her children on Earth mourning her passing. Their thoughts of grief hit her as if she’s struck by a bat. Because of this distraction, Rosie loses her balance and falls into the water, tumbling for some distance. She walks out of the water, onto the shore, and lays down upon the sand - she hears her partner Kelli crying with grief as she comforts her heartbroken children back on Earth. Rosie shakes off the image in her mind, gets up, runs up the hill and into her mom’s house. She enters a room with a grand view of the cove and plops down at the table as her mom serves her spinach lasagna.

Rosie’s Mom: Did you have a good time, Roseanne?

Rosie: I guess so…

A plate of hot piping spinach lasagna is set down on the table before her.

Rosie’s Mom: Well, dig in. I hope it tastes ok. Just remember, I haven’t cooked since I was back on Earth.

Rosie: You’re not having any?

Rosie’s Mom: No, of course not! We don’t have to eat anymore. We make food only for those who have crossed over recently so they can transition better.

Rosie: You don’t eat? Then how come you’re still so…

Rosie stops herself and shoves a big bite of lasagna into her mouth.

Rosie’s Mom: …still so what?

Rosie’s mom puts her hand on her hips.

Rosie: …still such a good cook.

Rosie’s Mom: You meant to say fat, didn’t you Roseanne?

Rosie: …uh…no?

Rosie’s Mom: Oh please Roseanne, you forget that I can read your thoughts here…not that I couldn’t before on Earth.

Rosie: Damn this telepathy thing. It makes mothers twice as annoying.

Rosie’s mom stands before Rosie, closes her eyes, and concentrates. Her body suddenly changes from an older woman to a young, slim woman in her early 30s. Rosie drops her fork onto the plate.

Rosie: How the….?!

Rosie’s Mom: That was just a costume for your benefit. Well, I’m off.

Rosie: Off? To where?

Rosie’s Mom: Roseanne, I have a full life here. I have my work, my recreation, and friends. And now that you seem to have adjusted, I am going back to my life. You didn’t think I would always be with you, now did you?

Rosie (with an attitude): What do you do exactly?

Rosie Mom: I work with children who recently transitioned Roseanne, and I don’t like your tone.

Rosie: Mom, can you please stay? I…I am not feeling very well.

Rosie’s mom walks up to her and brushes her damp hair back.

Rosie: I know honey. I can see it too…my grandchildren and Kelli…grieving. But that’s something you will have to deal with spiritually. You made the decision to stay. I can’t do the work for you.

Rosie gets up and walks to the window.

Rosie: But mom, I wasn’t thinking it through when I decided to stay. I wasn’t thinking about what would happen exactly. All I wanted to do was find you…and I thought that if I did, everything would be ok, all the hurt would be gone…

Rosie turns around and her mother has disappeared.

Rosie: Mom??

Rosie is left standing in the room alone. She is hit with another wave of grief from her kids on Earth. She leans against the chair and holds her heart.

Rosie: Oh dear God, this is worse than call-waiting interruptions from my mother-in-law.

Rosie leaps out the window and flies around. The turn around the sky seems to give her some comfort. She is hit again with another wave of grief, causing her to tumble out of the sky. She lands on the ground with a thud.

Rosie: God damn it, how do I turn this feature off?! Is this supposed to be heaven or hell??!!

The scene of one of her kids in school pops into her mind. Suddenly, she is drawn into the scene and she is back on Earth, watching her kid in class. No one can see her; Rosie touches a wall and her hand goes right through it. She goes up to her son, seated, doodling on the desk, and not paying attention in class. She calls out his name but he doesn’t respond. The teacher catches him graffitiing and orders him to go to the principal’s office. He lashes out at her.

Rosie: No, no, don’t say that! Tell her you’re sorry! Go to the principal’s office quietly!

He stands up and kicks the teacher in the shin, and throws his chair as he storms out of the room. School security is called and he is escorted to detention. Rosie follows him and tries to calm him down but to no avail.

Rosie: You can’t say and do stuff like that! What the hell has gotten into you?! You’re not like this! (to herself) Oh God, I know what it is…

Rosie slaps herself on the forehead

Rosie (to herself): Stupid, stupid, stupid!

She kneels next to her kid, handcuffed to a chair in detention.

Rosie: Listen, you have to get beyond the grief…the anger…otherwise you won’t have a future…

Suddenly, a timeline appears before her showing her son’s future. In it, he is seen running away from home and getting involved with petty crime and drugs.

Rosie: No, no, oh my god, what I have done….that cannot be! DANNY!!!!

Rosie is pulled back to the afterlife realm and she calls out to her guide.

Rosie: Danny!! DANNY!!!

She looks around for him.

Rosie: I’ve made a mistake - you have to get me back! Danny??!!

There is no response.

(…to be continued)

The white light in the middle of the stage intensifies and begins to take the shape of a humanoid form. The light is incredibly bright but it does not hurt one’s eyes to look directly at it. The mass of energy condenses into a woman in a simple flowy white cloak. Her long, wavy light brown hair hangs over one shoulder; the most beautiful and peaceful face comes into view. A large pair of out-stretched wings appear behind her and closes, framing her body, which has now completely solidified. The angel is from an upper phylum of the angelic dimensions; her name is Gabrielle; she brings the gift of inspiration and creativity to those she visits. Gabrielle dampers down the intensity of her light, knowing full well that spirits in this dimension cannot receive the full intensity of her energy for long. The wings change into an aura of golden energy which surrounds her and acts like shielding, filtering and dimming her light. For those, like the Old Ones, who can stand her full intensity can still see the wings on her back. The audience stands and claps in awe and excitement.

Unlike the others, Rosie is still seated and shaking uncontrollably in her seat.

Rosie: VVvvvvVVVVvvvvVVVVVvvvvVVV…

The adjacent woman turns to Rosie.

Woman: Are you all right, Rosie? Awww, her energy zapped you, didn’t it?

Rosie nods, still shaking.

Rosie: Sssssshe ddddid….ttthhhat bbbbitch….VVVvvVVvVVvvvvvVVVVvvv…

The woman laughs and places one hand on Rosie’s forehead and the other on her heart, and breathes deeply, taking the excess energy from her and grounds her. Rosie stops shaking.

Woman: There now, that’s better. She didn’t mean any harm, honey. You’re just not adjusted to our level of energy yet.

Rosie: I haven’t felt that kind of shock since that ass-wipe Bush got re-elected.

Woman: Rosie…please, your language.

The woman laughs nervously. Rosie raises an eyebrow at her.

Rosie (under her breath): …Pffft. I guess even Republicans are allowed in heaven.

Although the woman didn’t hear her, she understood what Rosie said telepathically and reacts with annoyance but she quickly forgives her. Music in the arena begins. Gabrielle starts her song and she sings with a purity and beauty unparalleled to anything Rosie has ever heard on Earth. The exquisite effect is indescribable for human understanding. The emotional texture of the song is similar to ‘La Califfa’, as sung by Sarah Brightman.

[CLICK HERE to hear Sarah Brightman’s ‘La Califfa’ on Rhapsody Online for free!]

Almost immediately, Rosie falls under the spell of the extraordinary beauty of the voice and music, and quickly forgives the angel for that initial shock. Throughout the arena, the auras of the attendees begin to shine even brighter, changing to a myriad of different colors. Rosie’s aura begins to glow brighter as well and various colored orbs of energy form and dance around her. The orbs surround her, taking her to another location in another dimension. In Rosie’s vision, the arena and the people around her fades out as another setting fades into view. Despite the transition, she can still hear the angel’s singing with the same clarity. Rosie finds herself on a cliff by the sea; the surrounding green hills appear even more beautiful than the ones seen in the previous dimension, if at all possible. The angel’s lyrical voice permeates the entire locale. Strangely enough, Rosie isn’t reacting at all to this unexpected dimensional shift. She is lost in musical ecstasy and is completely mesmerized by the singing, and for the moment, she has relinquished all her notions of self-determination and control. Her aura continues to dance around her, shimmering and casting different colors.

In the distance, the figure of a woman appears and walks towards her. Rosie’s focus shifts immediately to this distant figure, and in a split second, she starts to run, with all the energy she could muster, towards the woman. It seems to her that her legs could not carry her fast enough and she had forgotten that she was able to fly. After what felt like an eternity to her, Rosie reaches a distance a few feet of her and stands face to face with this woman. It is her mother. Rosie knew this the second the woman appeared in the distance. The woman beams at her with a beatific smile. She is holding a couple of large plates, one in each hand, but Rosie doesn’t notice them at all.

Rosie (barely audible): Mom…

The woman sets the plates down on the grass. She stands and opens her arms to Rosie. Blinded by her own tears, Rosie staggers forward and falls into her mother’s embrace. And in that moment, time seems to stand still for Rosie, as she feels the warmth of her mother’s back on her hands, the softness of her mother’s neck against her cheek, and she smells the familiar scent of a woman she had to waited so long to embrace again. Rosie begins to cry in a way she had when she was a child; the depth of her emotions is bottomless. The upwelling pain feels even more acute to Rosie with every stroke her mother makes on her hair.

Rosie moves her head back to look at her mother’s face. Her mother wipes away her tears in a manner she had missed so much.

Mom: Roseann…oh my Roseann.

Rosie looks into her eyes and instantaneously, by some mysterious process, she understands why her mother had to leave her life when she was so young. She understands the tragedy within the context of her mother’s spiritual planning. And faint memories of her agreeing to her mother’s early departure came to mind. And so, Rosie begins to heal.

Her mother picked up the two large colored plates on the grass and offers one of them to Rosie.

Mom: I thought you might want to help me carry one of the plates, just like in the old days.

Rosie looks at the plates.

Rosie: Limoges.

Mom: Yes. But never say ‘limoges’ at a flea market.

Rosie: I remember.

Her mother takes her hand and they walk towards her house, a villa with a red Spanish-tiled roof. Off to one side of house, steps lead down to the beach in a cove. Rosie takes it all in: every step, the warmth of her mother’s hand, the movement of the grass in the light breeze, her mother’s hair stirring in the wind, the weight and cool feel of the limoges in her hand, the rustling of her mother’s cloak against the grass, the salty smell of the air, the faint sound of waves crashing, the color of the distant ocean, a sudden squall of a passing seagull, the coolness of her face as her tears dry in the soft sea breeze, and most of all, her mother’s smile. Mother and daughter, reunited.

Way in the distance, a couple of figures are standing and observing. Danny turns his head and looks up at the Old One, standing next to him. They exchange a smile. The Old One hands him a handkerchief, which Danny makes full use of - dabbing his eyes and blowing his nose. Danny holds out his hands and a couple of Lemon Cielos in small glasses appear. He hands one to the Old One. They clink glasses and drink. The Old One pats Danny on the back and they walk away in silence.

The angel’s singing fades out.

(to be continued)…

Rosie is flying high and fast through miles and miles of gorgeous green countryside in the afterlife and scouring the surface for any signs of people, buildings, and most of all, her mother. She appears to be flying in “auto-pilot” mode, after having given a directive to unseen forces to take her to her mom. In the distance, she sees what appears to be a large circular building. Rosie speeds towards the structure and circles above it. Upon a closer look, it is an open arena with a central stage surrounded on all sides by many tiers of seating. The arena is packed with people waiting for a performance.

Rosie (to herself): She must be there.

Rosie dives down towards the arena and lands on the stage. She addresses the crowd.

Rosie: Excuse me everyone, I’m Rosie O’Donnell. I’m new here. I don’t know if fame carries over from Earth but some of you may know me as a loudmouth comedienne slash tv personality. Anyway, I’m looking for a woman…my mother. Her name is Roseann O’Donnell. Are you here Mom?

Rosie looks across many faces in the audience.

Rosie: Anyone here know her or know of her whereabouts??

People mostly smile at her and shake their heads. Everyone looks to be around 35 years of age and wears simple white one-piece clothing that seem translucent, allowing the auras of their bodies to shine through.

Rosie: MOM, I KNOW YOU’RE HERE!!! WHY WON’T YOU COME FORWARD???!!! I DEMAND THAT YOU SHOW YOURSELF RIGHT NOW!!! WHAT ARE YOU ALL SMILING AT???!!! WHAT IS THIS SOME KIND OF SICK STEPFORD TOGA PARTY??!!

Rosie’s guide, Danny, appears next to her and tries to take her off the stage.

Danny: Rosie…

Rosie backs away from him.

Rosie: Oh no, get away from me, you friggin gestapo midget.

Danny puts up his arms and - whooooosh - with a swirl of energy emanating from the movement, they both disappear from the stage and appear on a hill some distance from the concert hall. A vortex appears before them.

Danny: Please Rosie, you have to go back to Earth. Your family and friends need you.

Angered by his actions, Rosie lunges at Danny and chokes him.

Rosie: YOU LITTLE NAZI!!! HOW DARE YOU INTERFERE!!!

Danny (choking): You have to get in the vortex before it’s too late!

As Rosie continues to choke him, a brilliant purple light in the form of a human apparition appears. It solidifies into an old man with a beard wearing a purple robe.

Old Man: ENOUGH! Let her be.

Rosie stops choking Danny and stands up to see the old man.

Danny: Let her be??!!! Who’s choking whom???

Rosie (to the old man): Who are you?

Danny stands up

Danny (to Rosie): Ugh, they told me you’re dangerous!

Rosie: Oh please, how can I be dangerous? Are you afraid I would…(sarcastically)…KILL YOU??!!!

Danny: There are worse things than death.

Old Man: Enough!

Rosie: And who are YOU??!!

Danny: He is one of the Old Ones.

Rosie: Gee, I couldn’t tell.

Old Man: Time on Earth continues. If you do not go back to your body now, it will surely die in a few moments. And that decision will have serious repercussions, disrupting the life plans of many of your loved ones.

Danny: I told you, I told you! You have to go back before it’s too late!

Rosie: Look, I just got here. I just want to…

Suddenly, a blinding light envelops the entire scene and an energy force barrels through them, blasting everyone away. Rosie finds herself tumbling away on the grass.

Rosie: Whooooooooooooooooooooooa!

Rosie stands up, several feet away from where she was just a moment ago. 

Rosie: WHAT IN HELL WAS THAT??!!!

The old man and Danny are gone. Even the vortex has disappeared.

Rosie: Hey! Where’d you guys go?!

Rosie looks around and calls out to them.

Rosie: Hey!! Can you hear me?? What were you saying about ‘disrupting life plans’?? Is that bad???

There’s no answer.

Rosie: Hello??

Rosie looks uncertain and worried. In the distance, the concert has started. Rosie shrugs and flys towards the music arena. She lands on an empty seat in one of the mid-level tiers. A woman who looks like Barbra Streisand is singing on stage. In fact, IT IS BARBRA STREISAND!!! - looking about 35 years old.

Rosie: OH MY GOD!!! THAT’S….THAT’S…BARBRA STREISAND!!! BRABRA STREISAND IS DEAD???!!! WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN???!!!

A woman sitting next to her leans over to Rosie.

Woman: Honey, you must be new here. It’s not really the Barbra Streisand that you know on Earth. I mean it is, but it’s only a portion of Barbra’s soul.

Rosie: Huh??

Woman: We all send only a portion of our souls down to Earth. The rest of our souls stays here.

Rosie looks at her dumbfounded. The woman looks at Rosie’s expression and laughs.

Woman: I’ll explain after the concert. I don’t want to miss this.

They both turn back to the concert. Although Barbra is completely surrounded by audience members on all sides, every attendant can see her straight-on no matter where he or she is seated in the circular arena. Barbara is singing “What Are You Doing The Rest Of Your Life?” Even though she isn’t using a microphone, her voice is heard loud and clear from every part of the arena.

[CLICK HERE to hear “What Are You Doing The Rest Of Your Life?” on Free Napster! (Your Pop-Up Blocker Must Be Turned Off)]

Barbra concludes the song and there is thunderous applause. Rosie stands up and applauds her effusively, with tears in her eyes.

Rosie: FANTASTIC!!! BARBRA!!!

The applause diminishes.

Barbra: Thank you ladies and gentlemen. So kind..

Rosie: BARBRA, YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL!!!

Barbra: I think we need a little change of mood, don’t you think?

The area immediately surrounding the arena turns into night, with a sky full of stars. The light from each person appears even brighter. The stage is alit from the glow from Barbra’s body and clothing. The area beyond the arena remains in daylight.

Rosie: Wow, that’s so cool. (shouting) BARBRA, IT’S ME, ROSIE!!! YOUR NUMBER ONE FAN!!!

Everyone turns to look at Rosie. Barbra looks up at the woman yelling from her seat.

Barbra: Rosie?? The Earth-Rosie?? Oh my God! What are you doing here??? You’re not supposed to be back until…(she gasps) Oy! Ich vel dir geben a khamalye!

Rosie (to the woman next to her): What did she say??

Woman: She said, “I’m going to give you such a smack!”

Rosie: Oh….huh?? Barbra, I love you!

Barbra: I love you too, baby. But I’m kind of busy right now…so we’ll tawk later ok?

Rosie: Ok, I’m sorry.

Rosie takes her seat.

Barbra: Now ladies and gentlemen, tonight we have…

Rosie: Oh. (shouting) Barbra, do you know where my mother is??

Barbra: Oy, zi farmacht nit dos moyl…. Your mother??!! Rosie, honey, there is an old Jewish saying…”Klyne kinder kakn kleyne kutshes.”

There is laughter in the audience. Rosie leans over to the woman next to her.

Rosie: What did she say?

Woman: Little kids shit small turds.

Rosie: What?? What does that mean??

Barbra: Your kids, Rosie, your kids! OY!!!

Rosie stands up.

Rosie: But you didn’t answer my question, Barbra.

Barbra: Is this the audience participation part?? (Barbra smiles) I kind of have to get back to the concert, Rosie, but let me leave you with this thought. It’s a yiddish proverb: “If a link is broken, the whole chain breaks.” Think on it, Rosie. Now…ladies and the gentleman…I apologize for the interruption, but we have a suprise for you this evening. You know how rare it is to hear them sing on stage…

The crowd gasps. Rosie sits down, thinking about what Barbra told her.

Barbra: Yes, all the way from the angelic realm, to perform for us this evening, the angel Gabrielle!!!

Barbra gestures towards the middle of the arena as she moves off-stage to take her seat. A incredibly bright glow of white light begins to form in the middle of the stage…

(to be continued)…

With everyone surrounding her, some standing over her, Rosie O’Donnell sits up.

Rosie: Oh god, that was a doozie..hehe. That was quite a fall huh? Good thing I have a lot of padding.

Rosie slaps her buttocks. She sees everyone crying.

Rosie: Hey…what are you guys crying about? I’m all right!

Rosie stands up.

Rosie: See? I didn’t even get a scrape!

Everyone - Paris Hilton, Kathy Griffin, Joy Behar, Oprah, Gayle King, Lynette, Helene, Janette, and Alec Baldwin - continues to look down, crying and mourning, not hearing Rosie.

Rosie: What is the matter with all of you? What are you looking at??

She sees a body on the ground from which she had just arisen.

Rosie: Who’s that? I didn’t know there was another big girl in our group. Hehe…thank God I am no longer the fattest one!

Rosie approaches the body. Her eyes widen with horror at her realization.

Rosie: OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!! THAT….THAT….THAT’S ME!!! BUT IT CAN’T BE!!!

She looks down and touches her body. She reaches to touch Kathy Griffin’s shoulder but her hand passes right through it.

Rosie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT I AM….THAT I AM…….(she cries)……..THAT BIG!!!

A vortex opens up near her. She looks into it with awe.

Rosie: There’s a light…

No sooner had she said it when she is sucked into the vortex.

Rosie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

She tumbles through the dark tunnel towards a piercingly bright white light in the distance.

Rosie: I’m…going…to…be…sick!!! How…do…I…stop…spin…ing???!!!

Suddenly, she lands on something soft with a thud. Rosie finds herself in a green meadow with wild flowers and rolling hills. The sky is a brilliant blue and the colors around her are vivid and alive in the most extraordinary way in that they come out at you. There is light everywhere, emanating from everything, and yet, there is no sun in the sky.

Rosie: I’ve never seen such colors…

She reaches out to touch a flower but she is interrupted by the sight of a short, stout, bald little man who looks a lot like Danny DeVito, running towards her from the bottom of a nearby hill.

Little Man: Oh no, no, no, no, no, no!!! No, you don’t!!!

Rosie: What? I wasn’t going to pick it.

Little Man: YOU are not allowed here!

Rosie: Hey, it’s not like I had a choice. I saw the light and it just sucked me in.

He pushes Rosie towards the vortex that’s still open.

Little Man: No, you have to go back! It’s not your time yet!

Rosie: Whoa, whoa, little man. Quit pushin’. Looks nice here…

He pushes Rosie even harder towards the vortex; she resists him.

Little Man: YOU HAVE TO GO BACK BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!

Rosie: Did anyone ever tell you that you’re overcompensating for your stature or lack of…? Who are you anyway??

Little Man: I am your spirit guide. And you have to go back NOW! You still have Earthly business to take care of!

Rosie: Well, can’t I just stay awhile, for a visit maybe? There’s someone I’d like to see.

Little Man: No, you can’t! Now go back!!!

The vortex closes.

Little Man: OH NO!!! NO NO NO!!! THIS IS NOT GOOD!!! MY GUIDE IS NOT GOING TO LIKE THIS!!!

Rosie: Dude, you need to chill. With you as my spirit guide, no wonder I continue to be a pushy loud-mouth.

Little Man: Rosie, believe me, being your guide is being offered as a capstone course on patience.

Rosie: Hey, are you supposed to speak to me like that??

Little Man: Now, I am going to have to appeal to higher authorities to open another tunnel to get you back.

Rosie: All right, whatever. Just give me enough time to find my…

The Little Man turns and spins in place, and fades away.

Rosie: Hey, what’s your name anyway?!

Little Man’s voice echoes…”Just call me Danny…cause I know you think I look like someone you know on Earth. I’ll be back…bye for now.”

Rosie: Bye! Don’t hurry back. Oy. Figures my spirit guide would be obnoxious.

Rosie looks around the meadow. She takes a deep breath.

Rosie (to herself): Yeah, go down some lemon cielos while you’re gone. Maybe you’ll grate a lot less on my nerves.

Little Man’s voice “I can still hear you, O’Donnell.”

Rosie rolls her eyes and walks in a random direction.

Rosie (to herself): Wow! Look at this place. Beauuuuuteefull!! I wonder who cuts the grass. It must be one hell of a landscaping bill. Hmmmm. Now how am I supposed to find my mother? Ugh…I should have asked that midget. I thought all your loved ones were supposed to come greet you. I bet he totally fucked it up for me.

Little Man’s voice: “Well, you’re not supposed to be dead! And you can’t say that word around here!”

Rosie: OH WILL YOU JUST CAN IT AND MOVE ALONG!!! GEEZ, IS THERE NO PRIVACY IN THIS PLACE???!!!

Rosie walks on.

Rosie (to herself): Gives a hellish new meaning to “Can you hear me now?” …Maybe if I just think of her, she’ll appear…(she closes her eyes and concentrates) Mom, mom, mom….

No one appears.

Rosie (to herself): Wait a minute, why am I walking? Don’t people fly around here?? I wonder if I can…

At that thought, Rosie shoots high into the sky.

Rosie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! STOP!!!

She suddently stops ascending and floats in mid-air.

Rosie: THIS IS FANTASTIC!!! Now…TAKE ME TO MY MOTHER!!!

She begins to move towards one direction and accelerates in flight. Rosie turns her neck to look at her back.

Rosie: LOOK MA!!! NO WINGS!!! YIPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

Rosie flys off into the distance, in search of her mother.

(to be continued)…

Paris Hilton is riding inside the Hummer, along with Donald Trump and Barbara Walters. There is a partition inside the vehicle that separates the driver from the passengers. Paris looks at Donald Trump dumbfounded. Another black Hummer trails them as security. They are traveling on a deserted two-lane highway somewhere in northern Arizona.

Paris: What are you high??!!

Barbara: Dear, I know you don’t believe us, but the simple fact is - we are your birth pawents - and that’s the twuth.

Paris: Wait a minute, Barbara, my parents threw a party for your 77th last year. And so you’re telling me you gave birth to me when you were…

She takes out her cell phone and presses some keys.

Barbara: Ok, so I was a bit past my child-beawing years.

Paris: …53??!!

Barbara: Well, we thought it was impossible too. That’s why we weren’t cautious.

Donald: Hey, my tough little guys can fertilize anything.

Paris: Oh God, I don’t want to know the details. (playing along) So how do my parents fit into this?

Barbara: Well…it’s a long stowy. But in order for you to understand it, I need you to open your mind and wealize that there is a gweater reality behind this evewyday world.

Barbara looks intently at Paris.

Paris: You mean like my couture dress is never really couture because the designers use me as their walking advertisements as a step towards mass producing their designs for K-Mart?

Barbara: Dear, I think you have seen one too many flashbulbs to wealize that the gweater weality of the world does not wevolve Pawis Hilton.

Paris: Well, then you’ll have to explain it to me…

Barbara: The twuth is humans live many, many lives here on Earth. That is an esotewic and spiwitual twuth that you must simply accept. And you, Donald, and I are inextwicably linked by our welationships fwom past lives. And because of this fact, there are forces in this world who want to extwact certain past life memowies buwied deep in your mind.

Paris looks at her in dismay and then laughs.

Paris: Well this is a first. Whoever these forces are, I’d like to thank them for the compliment because it’s first time anyone wanted me for my mind. What could they possibly want from the depths of my mind?

Barbara: That’s a good question. (pause) You are the weincarnation of someone who witnessed the completion of an extwaordinary technology in the heydays of Atlantis - a technology so amazing, it will change the world forever.

Paris looks at Barbara crossed-eyed.

Paris: I’ve never been to the Bahamas.

Barbara: Not the wesort you, bimbo! The mythical ancient civilization of Atlantis! Oh God, why do I even bother??!!

Paris: I don’t understand. So, why are you kidnapping me?

Barbara: Well, we’re not exactly kidnapping you. We are just pweventing you fwom falling into the wrong hands.

Paris: Is that why the MOOPs want me? Because I have some past life memory of a technology they want?

Donald: Now you’re catching on. By god, you DO have the Trump genes!

Barbara looks at Donald in contempt.

Barbara: Easy Donald. Those same Twump genes landed her in jail.

Paris: How do you know about this past life? Did you consult with Sylvia Browne or someone like that?

Barbara: We are pwivy to a lot of information that you are not aware of.

Paris: Is this what I missed by not watching ‘20-20′??

Donald: I don’t watch that news rag and I am more brilliant the next guy.

Barbara rolls her eyes.

Barbara: We have sources unavailable to the genewal public.

Paris: Who are you people? Are you the MIPs - the people who want Men In Power…also called the Illuminati??

Barbara and Donald look at her with surprise.

Barbara: Well, I see you have been bwiefed in jail more extensively than we thought. Nice to see that there was more than just hanky-panky going on in that jailhouse.

Donald: How much lesbian action really goes on in jail?

Barbara elbows Donald.

Donald: Were you a LURD?

Barbara: What’s a LURD?

Paris and Donald (together): Lesbian Until Release Date.

Paris and Donald look at each other with astonishment. Barbara sighs.

Barbara (to Donald): I am impwessed with your knowledge of pwison lingo. I’m not even going to ask you how you know this.

Donald (to Paris): When you did your bit, were you a swinging door?

Paris: You better watch what you say or I’ll smack your chip and chase.

Donald: Did you at least catch a ride in the big yard?

Paris: Of course I did. I used to spot the mule that came off the chain and get the sack stashed in the keister!

Donald: I hope the C.U.S. didn’t see you.

Paris: Well, we did this in the I.K. And if there was a shake-down, we’d just throw the bag on a fish or a ding.

Donald: You’re a pistol!

Pause.

Barbara: And people say that I am sometimes hard to understand??

Paris: I still don’t understand. If I was privy to some kind of advanced technological information, what does this have to do with you or Donald?

Barbara sighs.

Barbara: In the days of Atlantis, Donald was one of seven scientists who had compartmentalized knowledge of this technology. No one person understood the entirety of it. Even though they have located the reincarnation of the other six scientists and have been able to extwact their past-life technological know-how, the technology wemains incomplete because Donald would never divulge his knowledge of it. However, it has been discovered that there was a witness to the completion of this secwet technology. Now, through the extwaordinary spiwitual abilities of our opponents, they have been able to locate the identity of that assistant - you. How? We don’t know. We took evewy pwecaution to conceal you. We severed ties with you as soon as spiwitualists identified you as the assistant from that life and gave you away to the Hiltons. The secwet of this technology is more important than anything or anyone in this world.

Paris: Wow, you mean I was some kind of lab scientist??

Donald looks at Barbara. Pause.

Barbara: Sort of. More of an assistant.

Paris: And what was your relationship to Donald in that past life?

Barbara: I…was his wife.

Paris cackles.

Barbara: What’s so funny?

Paris: No one wonder he ’sold you out’ during the feud with Rosie. He has a habit of betraying all his wives, in present life or past.

Donald (moving towards Paris menacingly): Listen you little skank…

Barbara (stops him with her hand): Back off, daddy deawest!

Paris: So what is this technology? Some kind of bomb?

Barbara: It is not important for you to know that wight now.

Paris: Why not? If you are so intent on preventing others from getting information on it, you should at least tell me what it is exactly.

Barbara: We will tell you at another time.

Paris looks at them and ponders.

Paris: You don’t want to tell me because if I knew what it could do to change the world, then I would be more intent on going back to the MOOPs with the information. Isn’t that right?

Donald: Those Trump genes are working overtime, eh??

Paris: And how would anyone extract this information from me? I don’t want my head to be cut open or anything.

Barbara looks at Donald smugly.

Barbara: Yes, those Twump genes are weally kicking in.

Donald: The bimbo side comes from you - (pointing at Barbara’s hair) the blonde factor.

Barbara: I’m not a weal…

Barbara stops herself.

Barbara (to Paris): We will answer all your questions in due time, Pawis.

Paris: I still don’t believe you’re my birth parents. I think you two will say just about anything to get me to cooperate with you and the MIPs. Also, I think you two are just bonkers…past lives? Atlantis? Some super duper secret technology? Did Shirley Maclaine drug you or something? Come off it! You haven’t convinced me of anything…in fact, quite the opposite…

Paris snickers.

Donald: Paris, do you remember playing ‘chef’ with your dad when you were little?

Paris: Yes, but how did you know that…?

Donald: Do you remember you had your dad make these pancakes with your ‘easybake oven’?

Paris: Yes…

Donald: And what did your dad do to the pancakes?

Paris: You tell me…

Donald: He burned them didn’t he?

Paris gasps.

Paris: Yes.

Donald: And what did you say to your dad, in this ferocious voice, even though you were only four.

Paris: …I said…

Donald and Paris (in unison): YOU’RE FIRED!!!

Donald: And what did you say to your dad when he kept setting off the buzzer in the game of ‘Operation’?

Donald and Paris (in unison): YOU’RE FIRED!!!

Donald: And what did you say to your mom when you fell off the swing she was pushing?

Donald and Paris (in unison): YOU’RE FIRED!!!

Barbara reacts to the memory.

Donald: See? Like father, like daughter.

Paris is astonished and speechless. Donald takes Paris’ hand.

Donald: Paris, I was the dad in those earliest memories. I AM your father.

Paris thinks of the imponderable fact and shrieks in terror.

Paris: Noooo!!!Nooo!!! That’s not true!!! THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!!!

Donald: Search your feelings, you know it to be true!

Paris cries out despondently

Paris: NOOOOOO!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

The driver comes on the intercom.

Driver (over the intercom): We are being followed by two cars and a police car is trailing them.

Donald and Barbara look out the back and sees two cars, one driven by Kathy Griffin and the other by Janette, following the security-Hummer behind them. A police car, driven by Officer Blitski, follows Kathy and company with its sirens blaring.

Barbara (to the driver): Tell the men I want both cars taken out!

Driver (over the intercom): What about the police car?

Barbara: TAKE THEM ALL OUT!!!

Driver (over the intercom): Yes, m’am.

Two rear windows on the black security-Hummer behind them are lowered and two men dressed in black suits fire upon the cars driven by the MOOPs. Joy, Rosie, Oprah and Gayle, are in the car driven by Kathy. Alec, Lynette, and Helene are in the other car driven by Janette. Shots are returned by Joy, Gayle, Oprah, Alec, Helene, and Lynette. Rosie, sitting between Gayle and Oprah in the backseat, covers hear ears in fright. Their bullets bounce off the bullet-proof Hummer - even the tires are impervious. Meanwhile, the two cars are sustaining a lot of damage from shots fired by the MIPs. Oprah is shot in the arm; she screams out in pain.

Kathy (screaming at the other car): We’re going to have backoff. We can’t sustain anymore hits.

Janette (screaming): We can’t! There is a police car right on our tail!

Kathy (screaming): Alec! Do your thing and get Blitski off of us!

Alec takes his cell phone and with his other hand, reaches inside his pants and pulls out the number Blitski had stuffed into his bikini earlier. He dials.

Alec (into the cell phone): Hello, officer Blitski?

Officer Blitski (excitedly on the cell phone): Is this Alec?

There is a lot of ferocious screaming by Alec and within seconds, the police cars pulls over to the side of the road, makes a quick U-turn, and speeds off in the opposite direction. The MOOPs all cheer Alec’s successful call.

Joy: Oh I’ve got to get a recording of that! No one would ever mess with me again at work, not even Barbara Walters!

Kathy: I’ll get a recording for you, Joy, but it’s not going to be free. What are you kidding me? There’s a huuuuge market for this! I’m copyrighting it and selling it on HSN! It’ll outsell Suzanne Somer’s ‘Thighmaster’!

Joy: What are you going to call it? The ‘Frightmaster’??

Kathy: Hmmm…that’s not too bad. I’ll work on it.

Joy: All right, let’s get back to reality here. Now does anyone have the cell number of the driver of that Hummer?

Kathy: No, we don’t have that kind of luck.

There are more shots fired at their car. They all duck.

Joy: What are we going to do? I haven’t crouched this far down in a car since I went parking as a teen!

Kathy (screaming to the other car): Janette, follow my lead!

The two cars suddenly speed up and run past the security-Hummer and they both come along either side of the Hummer carrying Paris. The security-Hummer speed up as well and gets behind the first Hummer; they continue to fire shots at the MOOPs. The two cars slam against the Hummer, squeezing it tightly in the middle.

Kathy (screaming): JANETTE, ON THE COUNT OF THREE! ONE, TWO, THREE!!!

The two cars brake suddenly, causing the Hummer to also deccelerate unexpectedly. In response, the security-Hummer also brakes and turns off the road to avoid colliding with the Hummer directly ahead of it. As a result of turning so sharply, the security-Hummer rolls over, turning several times before settling in the dust of the desert.

The MOOPs rejoice vociferously. The two cars separate from the Hummer. The Hummer resumes its speed as does the two cars, flanking the Hummer on both sides once again.

Kathy (yelling at the Hummer): PARIS!!!

Paris tries to lower her window and open her car door, but they’re both locked.

Barbara: Don’t bother. It is locked by the dwiver.

Paris thinks for a moment and then presses the intercom. She mimicks Barbara Walter’s voice perfectly.

Paris (in a Barbara Walter’s voice): Donald dwopped another stink bomb in here. Open all the windows!

All the windows on the Hummer are lowered immediately. Barbara quickly presses the intercom button.

Barbara: Close them you fool! That was not I!

Paris quickly climbs out the window and onto the roof of the Hummer before the windows close. Kathy pulls her car right alongside the Hummer. Rosie climbs onto the roof of the car.

Gayle: Rosie what are you doing?!

Rosie: I’m going to grab onto Paris when she jumps over. (to Paris) Paris! Jump! I’ll make sure you don’t fall!

Crouched on one corner of the car-roof, Rosie has one hand on the edge and another hand extended towards Paris.

The window of the Hummer is lowered and Donald sticks himself out. He tries to grab Paris, and in doing so, he blocks her path and distracts her. Paris tries to slap him back inside but Donald manages to block her strikes.

Donald: Paris! Join me! And together, we can rule the MIPs as father and daughter. Come with me, it is the only way!

Rosie: Go for the rug, Paris! Go for the rug!

Paris snatches the hairpiece off of Donald’s head, revealing his baldness.

Paris: Dad, YOU’RE FIRED!!!

She throws the hairpiece onto the front windshield of the Hummer.

Donald: NOOOOO!!! AAAAAHHHHHHH!!! Lower the partition!! Lower the partition!!

Donald ducks back inside the car and tries to go through the lowered partition, but he gets himself stuck in it. Barbara slaps his behind repeatedly.

Barbara: You sad, sad, stupid, vain man!!!

The Hummer begins to swerve, making it difficult for Paris to have a firm footing and judge the distance between the two vehicles. Paris makes a quick assessment and jumps onto the roof of Kathy’s car. Rosie grabs onto her just as she begins to loose her footing. Kathy pulls away from the Hummer but the Hummer closes the gap between them and begins to slam her car. Paris quickly jumps inside the car through the window. Rosie tries to follow her back inside the car but when the Hummer slams the car, she loses her grip and falls off the speeding car. Everyone screams in horror! Kathy brakes the car immediately; Janette, in the other car, follows suit. The Hummer speeds off into the distance. They all get out the car and run over to Rosie. Paris bends over to see if she’s breathing. She grabs Rosie’s wrist and checks for a pulse. Paris begins to administer CPR on Rosie immediately.

Kathy: Rosie! Please, dear God, no!!

Everyone holds their breath in agonizing suspense as Paris continues to administer CPR.

Joy: Come on Rosie!!! You can do it!!!

Paris: No, Rosie, NOOO!!!

After several minutes of futile attempts at resuscitation, they all resign to the dreaded fact that Rosie is dead. Paris slumps over her body and cries. They all sob deeply over Rosie’s death.

(to be continued)…

Officer Russo and Officer Blitski escort Oprah and Gayle into the assembly hall of the “Christian Love Rehabilitation Center.” A banner is hung over the proscenium, displaying the name of the center. A placard that reads, “Special guest speaker - Ted Haggard. Topic - How God Gave Me A Second Chance As A Heterosexual,” sits on a stand near the stage. An assemblage of about 100 members, mostly men, are seated and listening to Ted Haggard speak at the podium. Oprah, Gayle, and the officers take seats on the side closest to the door. No one appears to recognize Oprah or Gayle, as they hide their faces behind flyers and pamplets picked up on the way in.

Ted: …and I grabbed wife’s hand and we got down on my hands and knees, and I prayed and prayed, crying out to the Heavens, “Why have we fallen before Thee, Oh Lord?? Why?? Why have you allowed us to sin and break our allegiance to You and Your Laws??” And I collapsed onto the floor, crying my heart out for an hour, feeling sorry for myself and my pitiful marriage. Then suddenly, this big, frightful, thunderstorm came upon us. And I grabbed my wife’s hand and we ran out into the backyard. Standing in the drenching downpour, I looked up into the sky and I screamed, “OH LORD, STRIKE US DOWN WITH A BOLT OF LIGHTNING FROM UP ABOVE FOR WE HAVE EGREGIOUSLY SINNED!!!” And there were flashes of lightning and thunder all around us. And then I yelled out, “IF IT IS YOUR WISH THAT WE ARE TO BE GIVEN A SECOND CHANCE TO MAKE OUR LIVES PURE AGAIN AND SINLESS, THEN LET US STAND HERE IN THE STORM OF YOUR WRATH UNHARMED!” And you know what, not one of the hundreds of lightning bolts I witnessed that afternoon struck us. GOD HAD TAKEN PITY ON US AND GRANTED US A SECOND CHANCE!! And I got down on my hands and knees and kissed the ground and vowed that I will rehabilitate myself to lead a complete and true Christian life. And I when I am well again, I will lead a crusade to help all homosexuals realize the sinful ways of their Godless lives…

There is a loud pounding on the door through which Oprah and Gayle had just entered.

Ted: …and make it my life’s mission to reform…

The pounding on the door continues. Ted stops and looks at the door. The center’s president, seated in the audience, addresses the knocker.

President: The door’s unlocked. Just come in.

The door creaks open and Kathy Griffin sticks her head in.

Kathy: Excuse me, I’m looking for the “Christian Love Rehabilitation Center”?? I want to sign up for the fast-track program for permanent conversion from fierce lesbian to Christian hetero??

Ted: Ah, well, you’ve come to the right place. Just take a seat. We’re right in the middle of the meeting…

Kathy steps in and moves towards empty seats on the side, near Oprah, Gayle, and the officers.

Kathy: Oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t meant to disrupt anyone…

Ted: That’s quite all right, m’am. We are just glad that you could make it…

Kathy takes a seat, but just as soon she sits down, she jumps out of her seat, completely wide-eyed.

Kathy: OH MY GOD!!! YOU’RE…YOU’RE….

She moves towards the podium.

Kathy: YOU’RE TED HAGGARD!!!

Ted: Uh, yes, I am, but we’re in the middle of…

Kathy approaches Ted.

Kathy: You have no idea what it means to me that you’re here!! You are such an inspiration to me…your rehabilitation is nothing short of a modern day miracle!!

Ted (overlapping): Well, thank you kindly, but please take your seat with the others…

Kathy grabs Ted and hugs him.

Kathy: You have made me want to stop wearing my toolbelt and put on an apron, as God intended me to do.

Ted: Yes, I will get to that, but right now, I was talking about my…

Kathy (overlapping): You have made me want to trade in my baseball cleats for a pair of Jimmy Choo pumps.

Ted (overlapping): Now, please, won’t you take a seat..with the rest of…

The president of the center rushes up to Kathy and tries to guide her back to her seat. Kathy pushes him away.

President (overlapping): Please, madam, Mr. Haggard is the middle of his speech, and you’re being very disruptive.

Kathy (overlapping): You have made me want to be a real woman again - the way God intended since that little minx Eve made Adam eat more than just her apple.

She sidles up to Ted and looks at him seductively. Ted backs away in terror. Officer Russo stands up.

Officer Russo: I know this jokester! She is not here to rehabilitate herself. She is putting you on - Making a fool of you! And disrupting everybody!

Kathy: Ok, you’ve got me. You have exposed me for the fraud and brazen, lascivious heterosexual hussy that I am! But this is fresh coming from an officer who blackmailed Oprah and Gayle (she points to them) into giving him money because he discovered that they were dry-humping each other on the side of the road and threatened to expose them. OFFICER RUSSO!!! ISN’T THAT RIGHT???!!!

The audience gasps and turn to look at them all. Oprah and Gayle sink lower into their seats.

President: Please m’am, I’m going to have ask you to leave…

Kathy: Sit down, cock-sucker, and listen to what I have to say.

President: Well!…

Ted: Now wait a minute here, I am the guest speaker here.

Kathy pulls out a gun from the back of her pants and shoots off a shot into the ceiling. The audience reacts with terror, some ducking behind their chairs. Ted grabs the president and pulls him in front of his body to shield himself.

Kathy: Every sit down and shut the fuck up!

Ted and the president scramble to their seats. Officer Russo stands up and reaches for his pistol.

Kathy: Don’t even try it Russo or I will report your blackmailing ass to your chief of police. Now put away your viagara-substitute before somebody gets hurt.

Officer Russo begrudgingly holsters his pistol and sits down. Officer Blitski is all smiles, wide-eyed, and clapping. Officer Russo looks at Blitski with disgust.

Officer Blitski: Oh Frank, you’re going to love this. Her stand-up just kills me every time!

Kathy: Ladies and gentleman. I’m Kathy Griffin. I’m sorry about the way I barged in here…well, no, actually, I’m not. But let’s cut through the bullshit and get right to the chase. First of all, I want to ask all of you - BEING A HOMOSEXUAL IS A SIN!!! RIGHT???

There are nods in the audience.

Kathy: LIVING AS A HOMOSEXUAL IS A SIN!!! RIGHT???

Audience members: Yes…

Kathy: WHY??

The audience is silent.

Kathy: Anyone?? Anyone? Bueller??

Audience member: Because the Bible says so!

Kathy: THAT’S RIGHT!!! BECAUSE THE BIBLE SAYS SO!!! AND I TOTALLY AGREE!!! IF THE BIBLE SAYS IT IS A SIN TO BE GAY AND THEN ALL GAYS MUST CEASE AND DESIST THEIR HOMOSEXUAL BEHAVIORS IMMEDIATELY OR ELSE FACE THE WRATH OF GOD AND BURN IN THE ETERNAL FLAMES OF HELL ON JUDGEMENT DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The audience is taken aback by her ferocity.

Kathy: Who agrees with me????

A few people clap. Then the claps become more numerous, build, and then finally blooms into a full applause. Oprah and Gayle clap weakly, shocked by what Kathy is saying. Ted and the President are surprised at her position. Kathy puts her hand up and the applause ceases.

Kathy: But guess what else the Bible says??? (pause) It also says…The eating of fat is prohibited forever, Leviticus 3:17. (she points to a fat man in the front)..So what the fuck have you been doing all this time, porky?? It also says…you cannot round the corners of your beard or the hair on your temples, Leviticus 19:27. And witches should be killed, Exodus 22:18. The congregation must be a bastard freezone - not even the bastard’s children to the 10th generation can set foot in a church, Deuteronomy 23:2. Handicapped people could not approach God, Leviticus 16-23. Entrance into the assembly of the Lord was granted only to those with complete testicles, Deuteronmy 23:1. DROP THEM AND LET’S SEE WHO IS GOING TO HELL WITH ONE CHESTNUT ROASTING OVER AN OPEN FIRE!!!

Audience member: Oh this is ridiculous! You are making all this up!!

Kathy takes out a Bible from under her cleavage - it is full of post-it references - and throws it at the guy.

Kathy: Don’t you heckle this church-lady! See for yourself, ye of little faith!!!

He picks the bible and flips it to a “post-ited”-page, and reads it while scratching his head in disbelief.

Kathy: What else?? Anyone working on the Sabbath is to be killed, Exodus 32:2; Menstruating women and everything they touch are unclean and they only way they can be clean is for the priest to kill a couple of pigeons, Leviticus 15:19-30. If a couple has sex during the woman’s period, the two are to be cut off from their people, Leviticus 20:18. Homosexual men are to be executed, Leviticus 20:13. I should blow all your fucking heads off right now.

She takes out her gun again and wields it, pointing it freely at the audience. Some people duck.

Kathy: If a woman grabs a man’s privates during a fight, her hand is to be cut off, Deuteronomy 25:11 and 12. I don’t understand - now what if I kicked a man in the groin, does that mean my foot is to be sawed off? See?…The Bible is just full of loopholes isn it?? Another law - false prophets are to be killed by their own parents, Zechariah 13:3. Stubborn children are to be stoned, and the stoning is to instigated by their parents, Deuteronomy 21: 18-21. I wish I’d known this years back when my ten year old nephew refused to stop badgering me for a fucking Nintendo set. “But Aunt Kathy, I want a Nintendo set. My parents are too cheap and everyone in my class has one….” KAPOWWWWW!!!!!!!

Kathy mimicks throwing a stone at a kid. The audience reacts with shock.

Kathy: What else??? Oh yes, Exodus 21 is a real winner - it says a man could sell his daughter to pay off a debt, and that you could beat your slave, almost to the point of death, and foreign slaves could be kept forever and willed to your descendants, where as Hebrew slaves could be kept for a maximum of seven years!!! See, I just need a year. A sex slave, foreign or jewish, would only interest me for about a year, maybe less. God, if only I could have chained David Duchovny to my basement for a year and make him fuck my brains out. And the list of these idiotic laws and illegalities just go on and on and on. Need I say more???

Audience member: But everyone knows that these rules and restrictions are ridiculous and not to be taken seriously with the other laws.

Kathy (waving her finger at the woman): Oh, no, no, no, no, no! You cannot pick and choose, honey. If you are looking to the Bible for a moral code, you cannot pick and choose what you want like you are at a smorgosbord. You have to take the whole kitten kaboodle! You better live by every word of the Bible or you and the generations after you are going to hell!

There is much clamor and confusion in the audience. Ted stands up and goes up to Kathy.

Ted: You are just a red-demon trying to cast a spell over these good people who want to live a clean, Christian life.

Kathy takes her gun and jabs it into his groin.

Kathy: Do you want to enter the Kingdom of Heaven?? Cause I can make it an eternal impossibility right now.

Ted grabs his balls and sits down. The young man with Kathy’s bible stands up and cries out.

Young man: My God, everything she said checks out. Why didn’t I see this before?!

Kathy: Because you have been following the words of others and not thinking for yourself! And the church has been following a text that advocates prejudice, cruelty, superstition, and murder! And the only way I explain it is this…THE BIBLE IS BULLSHIT!

The audience gasps.

Kathy: THE BIBLE IS NOT A DICTATION OR TRANSCRIPTION OF GOD’S WORDS!!! IT WAS WRITTEN BY MEN AS CLUELESS AS YOU ARE IN ORDER TO CONTROL OTHERS!!! THE BIBLE CANNOT BE TAKEN LITERALLY - IT IS NOT ABSOLUTE!!! TEN BILLION SPECIES ON AN ARK? GIVE ME A BREAK - EMBARRASSING! DON’T LOOK TO THE BIBLE FOR A MORAL CODE. BE WHO YOU DEEPLY WANT TO BE!!! BE TOTALLY GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! I NEED MY GAYS!!! WHERE ARE MY GAYS!!!

At this point, Ted is crying from an inner turmoil. He runs up to Kathy and grabs her.

Ted: WHY DO I HAVE THIS INSATIABLE DESIRE TO BE WITH MEN??? TO KISS THEM!! TO MAKE LOVE TO THEM!!! WHY DO MEN WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO OTHER MEN????!!!! I DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS UNHOLY FEELING!!!!

Kathy: HIT IT FELLAS!!!

The song ‘Because We Can’ by Fatboy Slim comes on the speakers. Nine hunky men in skimpy black bikinis enter the room and begin to dance in front of the audience. Dance poles rise out of the floor and the boys dance seductively around them.

[CLICK HERE to hear Fatboy Slim’s ‘Because We Can’ on Free Napster!]

Hunky Dancers (singing):
Because we can, can, can
Yes we can, can, can, can
Can, can, can, can, can
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Everybody can, can, etc.

The song is interrupted by a presence hanging from the ceiling. The room darkens and a spotlight is cast upon the ceiling, revealing Alec Baldwin poised on a swing, in nothing but a top hat and a black bikini studded with diamonds. Everyone looks up to see him, as sparkles of glitter rain down.

Dancer: It’s him! It’s the Sparkling Diamond!

The song ‘Sparkling Diamonds’ [lyrics revised] from the movie Moulin Rouge begins. Alec parodies Nicole Kidman’s performance. [CLICK HERE to see Moulin Rouge’s ‘Sparking Diamonds’ on YouTube!]

Alec (singing):
The French are glad to die for love
They delight in fighting duels
but I prefer a man who lives
and gives expensive jewels

Alec swings over an audience of cheering men. After a few passes above the room, he descends to the floor and sings and dances to the crowd of captivated and excited gay men from the center.

Alec (singing):
A kiss on the hand may be quite continental
But diamonds are a boy’s best friend
A kiss may be grand but it won’t pay the rental
On your humble flat or help you feed your pussycat

The gay men are all titillated by Alec. Some try to cop a feel on Alec’s behind but he slaps their hands away. Alec grabs the cash tips from the men, even allowing a couple of them to stuff their bills into his bikini. He also snatches diamond jewelry the dancers dangle before him. An older guy steps out of line, slaps Alec’s behind, and falls back laughing. The dancers carry Alec around the room as he flirts with the crowd.

Men grow cold as, boys grow old
And we all lose our charms in the end
But square-cut or pear-shaped
These rocks don’t lose their shape
Diamonds are a girls best friend

Tiffany! Cartier!

The dancers set Alec down and he dances seductively before the audience men.

Cause we are living in a material world
And I am a material boy

The audience men surround Alec and lift him up and then rotate him.

Come and get me boys!

Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!

Black Star, Roscor! Talk to me, Harry Zilder, tell me all about it!

They set him on top of a table. Officer Blitski jumps on it to dance with Alec.

There may come a time when a guy needs a lawyer
But diamonds are a boy’s best friend
There may come a time when a hard-boiled employer
Thinks you’re awful nice, but get that ice or else no dice

Officer Blitski: You are so hot, Alec!

Alec: Don’t I know it!

Officer Blitski: Will you call me sometime?

Alec: Only if you want me to.

Officer Blitski (holding up a piece of paper): Oh I want you to. Here’s my number.

Alec: You know where that goes.

Officer Blitski smiles and sheepishly stuffs it into Alec’s binkini. Blitski squeals and blushes.

Officer Blitski: Oh, and if I don’t answer, be sure to leave a number on my voicemail.

Alec: Sorry, no can do. I don’t leave messages on voicemails anymore.

Officer Blitski: Oh? Why not?

Alec: My God, have you been under a rock??!!

The dancers carry Alec from the table and spin him about for the final part of the song. Alec jumps off and makes the final pose in front of Ted.

(Alec resumes his singing)
Cause thats when those louses go back to their spouses
Diamonds, are a boy’s beeeeeessssssst friend!

The song and performance concludes and everyone claps and cheers their performance.

Ted: Now will somebody please play our ‘gay anthem’?? I so much need to hear it!

Kathy: ‘Our’, Ted? Glad to see you back in true sinful form.

Ted: Kathy, thank you for showing all of us the true light.

Gay Men: Yes, thank you Kathy….we love you…you have saved us.

He kisses her on the hand reverently.

Kathy: Are you kidding me? You’re my bread and butter!

Ted: You are our messiah!

Kathy: Awww shucks. Well, you know, if you’ve taken it up the ass like 50 times and still won’t accept that you’re gay, then you need a mack truck to be dropped on you. And that’s where I come in. Anyway, welcome to the Kathy Griffin fan base. Another day, another gay, (sigh)…another Christian defector joining the ever-growing Kathy empire.

Ted smiles sheepishly at her.

Alec: All right, all right (breaks them up)…stop moving in on my gal. What’s the song? I don’t think I’ve rehearsed it! (he puts his hand on his hips effeminately)

Kathy: Well, I was going to have you guys do a dance number to it but… having you guys freefall from the ceiling would have been a bit over zealous, even for me. HIT IT!

The song ‘It’s Raining Men’ comes on. [CLICK HERE to hear The Weather Girls’ ‘It’s Raining Men’ at Free Napster!] At this point, Rosie O’Donnell, in her blonde wig, and Paris Hilton, in her dark wig, enter the room with Joy Behar, Lynette, Helene, and Janette, and they all join in the dance. Rosie lip synchs to every word of the song perfectly. Everyone dances exuberantly. Ted dances eagerly with one of the hot male dancers. Officer Blitski is hogging Alec all to himself as the president tries to cut in. Kathy, Paris, and Joy dance with the few lesbians that are in the room. Joy keeps stopping the hands of this woman from sliding down to her buttocks. Afterwhile, she just gives up and lets the woman squeeze her cheeks. The only person not dancing and enjoying himself is Officer Russo, who is standing in a corner glowering at the spectacle before him.

A group of male dancers, unseen before, come over to Paris and lift her up. They carry her around the room as she poses seductively. Then, without warning, they carry her right out of the room.

Rosie: Kathy, where are your dancers taking Paris?

Kathy catches sight of the dancers taking Paris out the door. She looks across the room and sees that her dancers are dancing with the gays.

Kathy: Wait a minute! I didn’t hire those guys!

Rosie: What??

They both maneuver through the crowd towards the door.

Kathy (to Rosie): Round up the rest of our group, including Oprah and Gayle. I think Paris is in trouble!

Kathy makes her way through the crowded room towards the door and runs after Paris. Rosie rounds up the gang to follow Kathy. On her way out, Rosie’s wig gets caught on a guy’s watch and he accidentally pulls it off her head.

Guy: Oh my God, I’m so sorry!

Rosie tries to unsnag it but it won’t come off.

Rosie: Oh just keep it! It’ll look better on you.

The guy recognizes her.

Guy: Rosie? Are you Rosie O’Donnell??

Rosie doesn’t answer but goes out the door. Officer Russo also recognizes Rosie and runs after her.

Meanwhile the men who kidnapped Paris move her towards a black Hummer parked outside the center’s building.

Paris: Put me down! Help!! Somebody help me! I’m being kidnapped!

They throw her into the Hummer. She sits up and sees the occupants of the car, sitting in the seats behind her. It’s Barbara Walters and Donald Trump!

Barbara: Driver, go!

The Hummer speeds away.

Paris: My god, you will stop at nothing to get an exclusive, will you??

Barbara: Just calm down, dear. I am not going to interview you. I make it a wule not to interview people who snub me.

Paris: Whew! Now I know I won’t be tortured.

Barbara: Watch your mouth. It’s becoming smarter than your bwain.

Paris looks at Donald.

Paris: And what do you have to say?

Donald: You are so much my type. Too bad you’re our daughter.

(to be continued)…

Kathy Griffin is driving the car carrying Joy Behar, Rosie O’Donnell, and Paris Hilton. Paris has donned a dark wig and a pair of sunglasses, and she is virtually unrecognizable. Rosie, in contrast, is sporting on a blonde wig to conceal her identity. Following Kathy’s lead is Janette, driving a second car carrying Helene, Lynette, and Alec Baldwin. They are driving on a deserted highway somewhere in northern Arizona.

Joy: Where the heck are we going, Kathy?

Kathy: To the rendevous point.

Joy: Yes I know but where is it??

Kathy: Devil’s Tower, Wyoming.

Joy: Oh good God. Who are we rendevousing with? ET??

Kathy: Hmmmmm…

Joy: Who is the commander of the MOOPs anyway?

Kathy: I can’t say.

Joy: Why not?? Is it Martha Stewart?

Kathy: You’ll find out when we get there.

Joy: Please tell me it’s not a Republican, because if she is, I will egg her!

Kathy: Leave politics out of this, Joy. As women, we should all on the same team.

Joy: Yeah, let me get all chummy with Ann Coulter….NOT! (pause) Oh dear God, please tell me it’s not her! It better not be because I swear I will throw frozen embryos at that woman!

Kathy: Will you stop it?? You’ve been on ‘The View’ for so long now that anytime you find yourself in the company of four women, you shift into your staunch ‘political Hot Topics’ mode and start shooting liberal-estrogen out of your ears!

Joy: Sorry.

Pause.

Kathy: How’s our patient doing?

Paris looks at Rosie, who is still ‘out of it’ and not speaking or interacting.

Paris: Pretty much the same.

Joy: Let me try to snap her out of it. (speaking deliberately for Rosie’s sake): Oh Kathy, did you say that our high commander could be BARBRA STREISAND???

Rosie’s eyes begin to move.

Kathy: Oh, I think BARBRA STREISAND could definitely be our high commander.

Joy: Is she going to do a musical number when we get there?

Kathy: Why of course she is! I heard she is going to adapt some of her signature songs for the MOOPs!

Rosie makes eye contact with them.

Joy: Like “Send In The MOOPs”?

Kathy: Or “On A Clear Day, I Can See A MOOP”.

Joy: Or “A MOOP Is Born”.

Rosie: That wasn’t a song - it was just a theme to her movie.

Kathy and Joy exchange smiles over her recovery.

Paris: How about “MOOPs, I Did It Again”?

Kathy and Joy look at Paris contemptuously.

Paris: Well, I don’t know those songs you mentioned - they were before my time!

Joy: Don’t start with me, twinkie, or I will start singing ‘One Night in Paris’ to the tune of ‘One Night in Bangkok’!

Kathy (admonishingly): Joy…

Joy (to Rosie): Well, what other songs do you think she can adapt for the MOOPs?

Rosie: I don’t know. I don’t think she would waste her time with this nonsense.

Joy: Well, then who do you think the high commander could be, Rosie? Could it be Arianna Huffington? Jane Fonda??

Kathy: Maybe Hillary??

Rosie: OPRAH!!!

Joy: Nah, she’s too busy counting her money on her $55 million dollar estate and preaching humble values…

Rosie (pointing out the window): NO LOOK, IT’S OPRAH!!!

They all look out the window and see Oprah walking along the side of the highway with Gayle and two police officers.

Rosie: PULL OVER!!!

Kathy moves the car onto the shoulder and stops the car. Janette follows Kathy’s maneuver and stops her car behind Kathy’s. They all get out and watch as two male police officers escort Oprah and Gayle toward a police car, parked right behind Oprah’s car on the side of the highway. Rosie runs towards them, followed by her gang.

Rosie: Oprah!!! It’s me, Rosie!!!

Oprah squints, looking about thirty feet ahead of her, and recognizes them.

Oprah: Oh my God! That’s my girl!

Rosie: Boy, am I glad to see you, Oprah!!!

Oprah runs towards them. Rosie runs to her, opening her arms. However, Oprah runs right past her and right up to Paris, leaving behind a dejected Rosie.

Oprah (embracing Paris): You made it! You made it! I knew my girl would make it! Welcome to the MOOPs!

Kathy: Shhhhh, not so loud! You’ve got copers right on your tail here.

Rosie: Oh God, not you too, Oprah.

Oprah gives Rosie a dirty look. Rosie regrets her comment.

Paris: I couldn’t have done it without the help of my friends here. And thank you for all the encouraging letters, Oprah.

Oprah: You are going to be make me so proud.

Kathy: Oprah, what is going on here? Why are you two on the side of the highway and being escorted by these officers?

Oprah: It’s a…uh…complicated story.

Gayle: Oprah fell out of the car!

Oprah throws Gayle a warning look.

Rosie (obsequiously): Oh my God! Are you okay, Oprah? Can I get you anything??

Oprah glances at Rosie quickly and without responding, turns back to the group.

Oprah: Her damn singing drove me to the edge…literally!!

Gayle: I don’t understand how my singing can make a billionaire want to commit suicide by jumping out of a fast-moving vehicle.

Oprah (overlapping): Have you ever heard yourself sing? Your singing is as bad as…as…(pointing at Alec Baldwin) his voicemail etiquette!

Alec (overlapping): Wait a minute! How’d I get into this?? I’m just standing here minding my own business, very wisely knowing not to open my mouth amidst this sea of estrogen with very choppy waters.

Kathy (overlapping): Oh come on Oprah, that’s a low blow. If there are any low blows to be made to this guy, it should come from me in a pair of knee pads.

Joy (overlapping): I can’t believe I left ‘The View’ for this. Why should I stand here in the desert and listen to a bunch of people arguing when I could have been in an air conditioned studio and done the same thing but gotten paid for it??

Rosie (overlapping): Oh Oprah, why can’t you just let Gayle sing? Afterall, she’s been living in your shadow throughout her career. And she has had to listen to all the frustrations and complaints from your staff because everyone in your company is terrified of you.

Paris (overlapping): Can we please get going again?? Don’t we have a schedule to stick to? Aren’t we supposed to be at the rendevous point in a couple of days??

Oprah (overlapping): I like to be alone with my thoughts. Do you know that out of the 32 rooms in my mansion, only one room has a stereo? And not even Stedman can play it without first getting my approval and then scheduling it with my assistants.

Gayle (overlapping): This is not about the singing is it Oprah? It’s about you needing to be the center of attention all the time. You just can’t stand it if I take centerstage even for a moment, in the privacy of our car!

Helene and Janette roll their eyes. Lynette looks bored.

Janette (talking over the cacophany): Now why did I think the world would be different with them in charge?

Helene: I don’t know. I would have believed in little green men to get out of ‘you know where’.

Janette: Shouldn’t we instead all be discussing what the plan of the MOOPs revolution is exactly??…without these cops around? I am completely in the dark.

Lynette: Me too, but I’m still keeping the faith. They’re still better than a bunch of sick men running the world who didn’t get enough love from their mommies and daddies.

Helene: Hmmmmmm…not much.

Officer Russo makes a loud whistle and brings the arguments to a halt.

Officer Russo (steps in): Uh….now I know you want to get going with your friends and so, I think we should get down to business, Oprah.

The officer gestures towards his police car, indicating to Oprah to get in.

Oprah: Yes, officer, let’s just get this over with.

Kathy: What? What’s going on here?

Oprah: Oh, nothing, just…I wanted to make a small contribution to the local Police Athletic League…in appreciation of the officers’ help. You guys all go on ahead to the rendevous point…I’ll be joining you shortly.

Officer Blitski (interrupting): Excuse me Frank. I am sorry, I just can’t let you do this to Oprah.

Kathy: Do what?? I smell a scandal.

Officer Russo: Stay outta this George!

Officer Blitski: No, I just cannot let you extort money from Oprah!

Kathy gasps.

Kathy: I knew there was something fishy going on here! My tabloid radar has been going off this whole time!

Officer Russo: You’ve been watching too much daytime TV, George.

Officer Blitski: I will report you if you go through with it Frank.

Kathy: Will somebody please tell me what is going on here?!

Officer Blitski: Well, Officer Russo and I came upon Oprah and Gayle…

Oprah (interrupting): You know what Officer Blitski, Officer Russo is absolutely right. It really is none of your business. This is a private business transaction between Frank and me…

Officer Blitski: No matter how you put it Oprah, it just isn’t right for an officer of the law to be extorting money from you. Now, what I really would like you and Gayle to do is to come to this clinic that can help you and Gayle with your…

Oprah moves towards the police car. She grabs Gayle with her.

Oprah (cutting officer Blitski off): Come on Officer Russo! Let’s go get your money. I’ve got a lot cash for ya. Come on!

Officer Russo: Now you’re talking, pretty lady!

Kathy: What clinic? What clinic??

Officer Blitski: Well, I don’t know if I should say it in front of these folks…

Kathy: Come on, spill it. If it is what I think it is, this info could totally get me off the D-List!

Joy: Hey, I thought your career was all over once this MOOPs revolution got started.

Kathy: You have much too much faith in us. I need something to fall back on in case this revolution totally bombs.

Joy: Boy, now I know I really should have stayed home.

Officer Blitski: Say, what is this MOOPs thing you are all part of? Is it legal?

Kathy: It’s…Mothers…Opposed…I mean Ostensibly Opposed to Peanuts. Yeah that’s it. We’re trying to…remove peanuts from all school lunches.

Officer Blitski: Oh, that’s a good idea. Those peanut allergies can be dangerous.

Kathy: Yeah, whatever. Now quid pro quo - WHAT CLINIC ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??!!

Oprah: Officer Blitski, I will make you a deal. Gayle and I will attend one meeting at that clinic only if you keep your mouth shut!

Kathy: You caught them in a steamy, lesbo action, didn’t you? Didn’t you??!!

Officer Blitski: You’ve got yourself a deal, Oprah. (to Kathy) I’m sorry little lady, I just can’t tell you.

Kathy: AAAAAAAAARGH!!! SO CLOSE!!!

Rosie: Oprah, I totally respect your privacy. And I would never invade it by asking whether you two got it on. It’s so wrong.

Kathy: Oh you sycophant. There is nothing worse than a sycophantic celebrity. A sycophantic regular-joe-blow I can stand…but..

Oprah (to Rosie and overlapping): Yeah, is that why you intimated to the world we were just a little wee bit gay?

Joy (to Kathy and overlapping): Come on, you don’t need this. They’re not going to tell you anything that you don’t already know.

Rosie (to Oprah and overlapping): That was just a joke! I’m a comedian!

Oprah: Oh you comedians use your profession as a license and carte blanche to say irresponsible things.

Rosie: What? That’s not true! I am a very responsible speaker!

Kathy (overlapping): We do not! I don’t need any license to say all sorts of irresponsible things! - like: ‘Bush is still a mother-fucking drunk who shits out of his mouth!’ See?

Joy (overlapping): Hey wait a minute. I was on your side Oprah but now you’ve crossed a line!

[MUSIC CUE: FADE IN The Partridge’s Family’s ‘I Think I Love You’ - CLICK HERE to hear ‘I Think I Love You’ on Free Napster!]

Gayle (screaming): ALL RIGHT! YOU ALL WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED???!!! I’LL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED!!!

Oprah: GAYLE, NO!!!

Oprah puts her hand over Gayle’s mouth. Gayle fights her off and moves away from her, as Oprah tries to restrain her.

Gayle: Get your hands off of me! How dare you try to gag me! You think I am one of your regular employees forced to sign a lifetime non-disclosure contract?

Oprah: GAYLE, DON’T YOU DARE!!!

Oprah glares at Gayle with searing eyes.

Gayle: YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME, OPRAH WINFREY!!!

Gayle takes a deep breath…

Gayle (screaming): OPRAH AND I WERE GETTING IT ON BACK THERE ON THE GRASSY KNOLL!!! THERE I SAID IT!!!

They all fall silent. Enraged, Oprah starts to chase Gayle as she runs around the group. Rosie runs after them.

Oprah: AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHH!!!

Gayle: LOOK OUT! ANGRY BLACK WOMAN!! ANGRY BLACK WOMAN!!

Rosie: THERE IS NO SHAME! THERE IS NO SHAME!!

Kathy clasps her hands in prayer and looks up to the heavens.

Kathy: THANK YOU FOR THIS SUPER DUPER TABLOID MOMENT!!! I BELIEVE IN YOU AGAIN!!!

Gayle continues to scream out her confession as Oprah chases her about.

Gayle: OPRAH FELL OUT OF THE CAR! AND I WHEN I FOUND HER UNHARMED, I WAS SO OVERCOME WITH EMOTION THAT I STARTED KISSING HER. THAT’S RIGHT, OPRAH AND I WERE KISSING PASSIONATELY AND WE WERE GETTING IT ON HOT WHEN THESE OFFICERS FOUND US AND INTERRUPTED OUR LESBO ACTION!!! AFTER YEARS OF MOUNTING SEXUAL TENSION, OPRAH AND I ARE NOW LESBIAN LOVERS!!! AND I AM PROUD OF IT!!!

Oprah grabs Gayle’s hair and yanks on it hard. The others try to pull them apart.

Alec: Whoa! Now that’s hot!

Joy: Gayle, Barbara Walters would love for you to co-host ‘The View’. She needs another ‘loose lips’ to sizzle ‘hot topics’ again!

Oprah: YOU LYING BITCH!!! YOU WILL SAY ANYTHING TO BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION!!!

Gayle: EAT ME, OPRAH!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! MY EXTENSIONS!!!

Kathy: THIS HAS TO BE ONE OF THE GREATEST MOMENTS OF MY…

Kathy’s eyes roll to the back of her head and she passes out from the excitement. Pandemonium continues as Gayle breaks free of Oprah’s grasp and the chase continues. Some try to break up the pursuit while others try to revive Kathy.

[FADE OUT ‘I Think I Love You’]

(to be continued)…

[Read related stories: ‘Oprah and Gayle’s Big Gay Adventure’ - published April 6, 2007 and ‘Kathy Griffin Confronts Alec Baldwin About Angry Voicemail’ Parts I, II, and III - published May 8, 11, and 14, 2007]

It’s early evening and the motorbike carrying Rosie pulls into the garage of a private house in a East Los Angeles suburb. Rosie jumps off and moves towards the garage door.

Rosie: Thanks for the lift - it’s been swell. Hehe…I have to say it’s the first time that I have been so physically close to another woman and not enjoyed it.

Biker: Rosie, wait.

The biker removes her helmut and reveals herself. It’s Kathy Griffin!

Rosie: AAAAAHHH!!! Oh no, not you too. This is like the ‘Invasion of the Body Snatchers’…

Kathy: How can you not be interested in joining the MOOPs?!

Rosie: …and you’re another one infected by the MOOPs cooties!!!

Kathy: I thought you’d be thrilled about the MOOPs movement.

Rosie: I am so nauseous from the bikeride right now that all I can think of is some bowel movement. Where’s the bathroom?

Kathy: It’s through there (she points at the door at one side of the garage).

Rosie makes for the bathroom. Kathy follows her.

Kathy: Come on Rosie, don’t you want to end this insane cycle of war?

Rosie: I do. But I also have a wife and four kids to take care of. I’ll leave these delusions of grandeur and suicide missions to singletons like you.

Rosie finds the bathroom and steps in.

Kathy: We have a very real plan. I thought you would jump at the chance of joining us.

Rosie: Honey, I’ll cut you guys a check, minus the costs of my production expenses for the interview. That’s the extent of my contribution.

Rosie tries to close the bathroom door but Kathy puts her foot in the door-frame.

Kathy: I am really disappointed in you, Rosie. You have no vision!

Rosie: Vision?! You guys have a pink monkey as your insignia! Get a better logo and then we’ll talk!

Rosie kicks her foot away and slams the bathroom door.

Kathy (shouting through the door): It’s a Bonobo -a primate characterized by a matriarchal and egalitarian culture. It represents the primary values by which the MOOPs want to restructure our world.

Rosie (through the bathroom door): It’s a PINK MONKEY!!! People will think you’re advocating gay rights for animals! Now can I have some goddamn privacy??!!

Kathy: Well, I think it’s kinda cute!

Kathy stamps her foot in frustration and walks back to the garage. Janette and Helene enter the hallway from another part of the house.

Janette: Kathy Griffin??!!

Helene: Omigod!!!

Kathy: You must be Janette and Helene!

Helene: I’m Helene, and I am such a fan, you have no idea!

They hug.

Kathy: Refreshing to hear these words coming from someone other than a gay man. Thank you and congratulations! You guys made it! Welcome to the MOOPs!

Helene: Thanks Ms. Griffin!

Kathy: ‘Kathy’, please.

Janette: We are so grateful for today, Ms…I mean, Kathy.

Kathy: You should be happy to know that I have been getting word (she taps the radio in her bike helmut) that many of your fellow inmates have made it to waystations like this and are safely on their way to the rendevous point.

Helene and Janette are exuberant.

Janette (clapping): This is so great!

Helene (overlapping): We are so excited to be part of this!

Kathy: Where’s Paris?

Helene: She hasn’t arrived yet.

Another bike pulls into the garage.

Janette: Maybe that’s her.

Kathy: Why does she always have to be so fashionably late, damn it!

They walk out to the garage to see Lynette arriving on the back of a motorcyle. The driver removes her helmut and it’s Joy Behar!

Joy: Hey guys.

Kathy: You made it!

Wincing, Joy slowly dismounts from her bike.

Joy: Oy, I haven’t had to straddle anything for so long since my wedding night.

Kathy: Paris hasn’t arrived yet.

Joy: So what? That girl has been late more times than all the pubescent girls at my Catholic school.

Lynette (opens her arms to Helene and Janette): Come here girls!! We did it!!!

Helen and Janette run into her arms, and the three of them jump and shout with glee.

Joy: Easy, easy…

Kathy (overlapping): Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Joy: …you’re going to make me think this is a sorority and I’ll start menstruating again. Where’s Rosie?

Kathy: Bathroom.

Joy: Good idea. I need to pee so bad. I knew I should have worn my Depends for these long road trips.

They all head inside. Joy leads the group and knocks on the bathroom door.

Joy: Rosie?

Rosie doesn’t answer. She knocks on the door again

Joy: Rosie?? It’s Joy.

She twists the door handle but it’s locked.

Joy: House rule #1. Never lock a post-menopausal woman who needed to pee six hot flashes ago out of a bathroom - not if you want to keep the door in one piece.

Kathy: What’s with you and the post-menopausal jokes?

Joy: How old are you?

Kathy: Do I have to answer that?

Joy looks her over.

Joy: Ask me why in a couple of years.

Kathy rolls her eyes at her. Joy pounds on the door but there is no answer. Joy signals to Lynette to ‘do her thing’. Lynette kicks the bathroom door open. Rosie is gone. A window is left open, indicating the way by which she escaped.

Joy: Oh this is so like Rosie - baling out on people.

Kathy: And there wasn’t even a political smackdown.

Joy: Oh well, if she ain’t into it, she ain’t into it. (to Lynette) Just like you can never get me to speak your ‘cunning language’, if you get my drift.

Lynette: That’s what they all say at the start of their sentence, until a week later. For some (moving closer into Joy and eyeballing her)…it takes just a few days.

Joy and Lynette lock eyes in a stare-down. Joy flinches and a nervous tick flashes across her face.

Meanwhile, Rosie is climbing over property fences, making her way over to the next house in the dark of the evening. She rings the doorbell, keeping her head down and a watch for anyone who might come out of the MOOPs house. No one answers the door. She tries the next house over and a man answers the door.

Man: Yes?

Rosie: Hi, you’re not going to believe this, but I’m Rosie O’Donnell, I have been kidnapped by these crazy lesbians, and I need to use your phone to call the police.

Man: Yeah, and I am Donald Trump. And you’re right, I don’t believe you.

Rosie: No, really, I am Rosie O’Donnell.

Man: I don’t have time for this shit. First of all, if you WERE Rosie O’Donnell, you wouldn’t be complaining about being kidnapped by lesbians - if only I were so lucky! And secondly, next time you want to impersonate a hefer, try to put on more weight!

Rosie: What??!!…

Man: Get the hell out of here and go park yourself at Dunkin Donuts or some place!

He moves to close the door.

Rosie: Wait! TV makes you look fatter…

He slams the door on her.

Rosie (to herself): Well, that’s the best thing that happened to me all day.

Rosie tries the next house - she rings the doorbell and waits. As she waits, she notices a motorcyle parked in the driveway of the house next door. No one answers the doorbell. She moves steathily to the motorcyle next door and tries to find the ignition keys but to no avail. In the search, she finds a gun in a holster strapped to the bike. A scream and a crash is heard inside the house. Rosie moves to the window of the house and is shocked to see a bloody Alec Baldwin lying on the floor inside. Paris is being held at gunpoint by a man while a second man kicks Alec back down as he tries to get up.

Man1: These movie stars are just a bunch of pussies.

Man2: Speaking of pussies, it’s time for us to get some celebrity pussy, man!

Paris: Please, let us go. We didn’t mean to come here. You know I have money - a lot of money.

Man2: Oh I know you do, sweetheart. I also know you’re just a common whore despite all that wealth! But fucking is the great equalizer. Cause when I’m in there sweetheart, it doesn’t matter how rich or poor I am, does it?

Paris takes a martial arts stance.

Paris: I can defend myself.

Man2: Oh I’m sure you can, little girl. But if you even so much as scratch me, my friend here will put a bullet through your head and then it would be…

Man1: Necrophilia time!

Man2: Harley, you are just one sick individual…

They both laugh. Man2 moves towards Paris. The doorbell rings.

Man1: I’ll see who that is. Make sure she doesn’t move a muscle.

Man1 moves to the front door. A patio chair crashes through a window and Rosie points a gun at the man holding Paris at gunpoint.

Rosie: Drop your gun, asshole!!!

Rosie’s gun is shaking from nerves. Man2 smirks at her.

Man2: You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

Man1: Is that Rosie O’Donna?

Man2: It sure is. I just saw her making a fool of herself on tv.

Man1: Looks like we hit celebrity jackpot tonight!

Rosie: I mean it. Drop your gun or I’ll shoot!

Man2: Oh! Does this (indicating his gun) bother you?

Man2 stuffs his gun down the front of his pants and moves towards her.

Man2: You know, I think you would enjoy seeing Paris getting fucked.

Her gun shakes violently as she hyperventilates from sheer terror and adrenaline. Man2 moves closer to her.

Rosie: Don’t come any closer!

Man1: Maybe she’d like to get in on the action…you know…some girl-on-girl action!

Man2: It’s more like hog-on-girl action.

Man1: That’s bestiality, man!

The two men laugh.

Man2: Now, you wouldn’t dare shoot me, would ya? I mean, I’m not pointing my gun at you or anythin…

Man2 continues to move slowly towards her and waving his hands in the air.

Rosie: Don’t come any closer!! Or I WILL shoot you!!

Man1: She can’t shoot you! She’s a liberal bitch…

Man2: Shoot me?? Naaaaaaa…you don’t want to do that! That would be murder!!! That would be against your liberal sensibilites - killin a defenseless man. Now give me that nasty, nasty thing in your hand. Hey, you want some coke, huh?

Rosie: Stop where you are!!

Man2 moves within a few feet of her.

Man2: …some meth?? We’ve got lots here. We can all have a hell of a good time. Come on…

Rosie: NO!!!

Man2 reaches out to her gun. Rosie takes a step back and fires, shooting Man2 right in the chest. Man1 panics and runs out the front door and down the block. Paris runs up to the body of Man2 and confirms that he is dead.

Paris: Rosie! My God! Get in here before someone sees you!

Rosie is frozen with shock. Front lights on neighboring houses flick on. Paris rushes to Alec and tends to him. Bleeding from the nose, Alex regains consciousness and some strength.

Paris: Rosie! Get in here!

Neighbors begin to filter out of their houses slowly. Rosie remains frozen, pointing the gun in the air and staring at the man she just killed. Paris runs out the front door to bring her in.

Neighbor1: My God, isn’t that Paris Hilton?…and…

Neighhbor2: Is that Rosie O’Donnell? With a gun??

Neighhbor3: I think she shot somebody.

Neighbor1: Rosie O’Donnell just killed someone! Call the police!

Paris takes the gun from Rosie and is about to reenter the house with her when two cars pull up, one of which is driven by Kathy.

Kathy: Get in the car! Where’s Alec?!

Joy runs out and helps Paris bring Rosie into the car.

Paris: He’s inside - he’s hurt.

Lynette and Helene get out of the other car driven by Janette and run into the house. Joy and Paris seat Rosie inside the car and get in themselves. Joy sits in the front passenger seat, while Paris and Rosie are seated in the back.

Rosie (overlapping): Ble..ble…ble…semi-automatic…ble…ble…ble…

Joy: Poor thing, she’s in shock.

Kathy: What happened??!!

Paris holds Rosie.

Paris: Rosie shot this guy who was about to rape me. This other guy got away.

Kathy: Shit! Is he dead?

Rosie (overlapping): Ble…ble…ble…NRA…ble…ble…ble…

Paris nods.

Kathy: What the fuck were you guys doing at this house?! (pointing her finger at Paris) Were you trying to put the moves on my man?!

Paris: No, we thought this was the base! They recognized me immediately and pulled a gun on us. I think it’s a drug dealer’s house.

Joy: Oh really?!

Kathy: Or in your pre-MOOPs life, your upscale shopping mall. Did you stop for a little stash - something for the road? Tell me the truth Paris or I’ll put you right back in that lesbian whorehouse they call the LA county jail!

Paris: No, stop it! I’m clean!

Kathy eyes Paris suspiciously.

Joy (looking at the house): Drug-house huh? (pause) Hey, I just realized something…

Kathy: Forget it Joy, you ain’t getting any freebies. It’s against MOOPs policy.

Joy: No, not that! (she slaps Kathy’s shoulder) Look at the house number.

Kathy looks at the house number.

Kathy: Oh! That idiot!

Lynette carries Alec out of the house with Helene’s assistance. They help him get inside the other car.

Kathy (yelling at Alec): It’s ‘27′ Southside, not ‘21′, you idiot!

Alec: Well, your handwriting sucks! You write like a four-year old!

Kathy (unstrapping her seatbelt): Let me at him!

Rosie (overlapping): Ble…ble…ble…Second Amendment…ble…ble…ble…

Kathy tries to get out of the car to get at Alec but Joy stops her.

Joy: Kathy, come on, cut the guy a break! He was just attacked!

Kathy: Oh please, that’s nothing compared to what I already do to him on a daily basis. (to Alec) I ask you to do one thing and you screw it up!! You’re going to be thrown out of the ‘The Moops’ before you even finish your initiation!

Joy: There’s an initiation? I didn’t get one.

Kathy: There isn’t. It’s a sex thing between us. But don’t tell him.

Police sirens are heard in the distance. Kathy sees one of the bystanders, a man, eyeing her.

Kathy (to the bystander): What the hell are you looking at?? Isn’t there an internet porn you should be beating off to?!

Kathy takes her gun out and shoots it in the air. All the bystanders run back into their houses.

Kathy: Oh, if only I could have done that everytime I bombed at a gig.

Joy: Will you stop being so bitchy and let’s get going already?!

Kathy (to everyone): All right, everyone, let’s get a move on, because obviously Joy needs to pee again.

Joy (sighs): What did I get myself into? I should be at home picking up Steve’s toenail clippings.

Kathy: Oh Joy, you know you were enjoying too much domestic bliss doing that. It’s time for some real fun!

Rosie: Ble…ble…ble..Charlton Heston…ble…ble…ble…

Kathy (to Rosie): Oh, will you stop impersonating Elisabeth Hasselbeck already?? It’s so not nice.

Joy slaps Kathy on the shoulder.

Kathy: All right, let’s get the hell outta here before there’s another screwup from you fucking amateurs!!

Kathy burns the tires and both cars speed away.

(to be continued)…

Paris Hilton, Rosie O’Donnell, the television crew, the inmates, and the prison guards all run for cover. Two black Apache helicopter approach the common room of Century Regional Detention Center. A missle is launched from one of the helicopters and strikes the wall of the common room. The ensuing explosion destroys the entire wall, creating a large exit to the outside world. As the dust settles, we see that the inmates have all wound up on top of the guards, as if they had deliberately tackled them while seeking cover. Paris, who has wound up on top of Rosie, gets up. Rosie tries to rise but doesn’t quite make it on her feet. The cameramen are unconscious with their damaged cameras on the floor.

Paris (commanding): All right, let’s go MOOPs! We’re outta here! Move it!

The insurgents run for the streets, carrying arms with them. Outside, several motorbikes have pulled up to the curb, driven by both women and men in black leather and helmuts.

Rosie (despondent): Oh god, my first exclusive live interview and I totally blew it.

Paris helps Rosie up.

Paris: Come on Rosie…

Rosie: This is a disaster twice the scale of Geraldo’s ‘Al Capone vault’ debacle. Barbara Walters must be laughing her ass off at me right now.

Paris: …we have to get out of here fast!

Rosie: What??!! I’m not going anywhere with you!!

Paris (grabbing her): Oh yes you are, Rosie!

Rosie: No honey, you see, the show’s over. My humiliation is complete!

Paris: The revolution’s just begun and you’re joining us!

Rosie resists her pull. Lynette, Janette, and Helene watch them impatiently.

Rosie (shaking her finger at Paris): Don’t you get all high falutin’ on me, Paris Hilton, ’cause I’m very mad at you!

Paris: Janette, Helene, get to your bikes.

They nod and reluctantly leave her.

Rosie: …You not only destroyed my interview but (blubbering) you wasted that beautiful, delicious cake Martha made especially. Don’t you know she’ll never forgive me for that! I mean, she gives me the evil-eye silent treatment just for screwing up her decoupage!

Paris: Don’t worry about her, Rosie, I can assure you. (indicating at Rosie)…Lynette!

Lynette picks Rosie up and lifts her above her head with ease.

Rosie: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh put me down, you dyke-zilla!!!

One of the guards recovers and reaches for her gun, only to find that it has been taken. She reaches for the holster of a guard lying on the floor but her gun is missing too. All their guns have been taken. The guard tries to grab Paris but she slugs her in the face and she goes down.

Paris (to Lynette): All right, let’s go.

Rosie: Put me down!!! Hey, you! (to one of the guards recovering) Will you guys get off your asses and do something??!! I’m being kidnapped by lesbians on testosterone overdose here!

The guard reaches for her gun.

Rosie: Forget the gun, you idiot! They took’em all!

The guard grabs a security stick and threatens Lynette with with it. Paris tries to get her gun but she can’t find it in the midst of the rubble.

Guard: Put her down, Lynette!

Lynette: Don’t even try it, Lucy, ’cause I’ll use her (indicating Rosie) as a weapon and believe me, you don’t want to be crushed under her.

Rosie (to Lynette): Hey, if you want to go down that path, I can go crazy too, Chewbacca!!

Paris jumps in front of Lynette and takes a martial arts stand against the guard.

Paris: Haaaaaaaaaaaaah YA!

The guard repeatedly swings at Paris with the security stick from all different angles and Paris ducks with amazing speed and agility. The guard pulls on both ends of his stick and it turns into a nunchuk. She swings the new weapon at Paris. In response, Paris jumps and dances around the attack swings, kicking and karate-chopping the guard in a slick, professional martial arts form. Other guards jump into the fray with their nunchuks but Paris increases her rate of kicks and karate-chops with unbelievable accuracy and skill.

Rosie: You learned all this in just 20 days?? Do the MOOPs have a weight-loss program??

More guards with nunchuks attack Paris. Paris manages to grab one of the nunchuks and uses it in her defense. The attacks grow more numerous and soon, Paris is close to being overwhelmed.

Rosie (to the guards): Um…I don’t know much about martial arts, and I’m totally on your side, but don’t you think this is kind of an unfair fight??

Suddenly, three motorbikes burst into the room! Paris does a high somersault, jumping out of the way of motorists as they they ram and kick the guards, throwing them several feet away and rendering incapacitated. Lynette throws Rosie onto the back of one bike and it immediately speeds away.

Rosie: You were going to be released today, Paris! I don’t understaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand!!!

[MUSIC CUE: FADE IN Madonna’s ‘Hung Up’ - click here to hear the song at Free Napster!]

Lynette jumps onto the back of another bike. Paris lands perfectly onto the back of the third bike.

Paris (patting the back of the driver): Let’s go!

The two motorbikes race out of the detention facility, following the bike carrying Rosie.

Outside, the two black Apache helicopters are circling the complex to protect the remaining insurgents as they escape by motorbikes. One of the helicopters fire upon the ground near police officers who were shooting at inmates escaping on motorcycles. The officers run for cover from the machine gun fire. Several police cars are disabled with tires blown out by the Apaches. Police sirens are blaring. Martha Stewart is seen piloting one of the helicopters descending towards Paris’ motorbike entourage. Rosie looks up and sees Martha smiling at her from the helicopter. The helicopter is black and unmarked, except for a pink monkey insignia on its side with the word ‘MOOPs’ written across it.

Rosie: OH MY GOD!!! IS THAT MARTHA STEWART UP THERE???!!!

The motorcyle driver hands Rosie a cell phone.

Rosie: Hello?

Martha: Hi Rosie!

Rosie: Martha Stewart! Is that you up in the helicopter??!!

Martha: Oh yes it is I, Rosie. But it’s ‘Martha Kostyra’ now. I’ve dropped my married name.

Rosie: You’re a MOOPs??!!

Martha: Given my history with the men in my life and the SEC, does that surprise you??

Rosie (cringing): Martha, I’m sorry about the…

Martha: Don’t worry about the cake, Rosie. I’ll make another one…just for you….for being such a trooper…whoops…I have to go…gotta take care of some cops coming your way! Just hang on tight!

Martha hangs up.

Rosie (to herself): Like I have a choice??

Martha (via megaphone): Welcome back to life in the fast lane, Paris!

Paris looks up at Martha and gives her a thumbs-up and a smile.

Martha (via megaphone): I’ll see you guys at the rendevous. You were all just perfect!

Martha pulls the helicopter away from them and heads for a cadre of police cars racing towards the motorbikes. Martha fires upon their tires with the Apache’s machine gun, disabling more police cars. Another bevy of police cars head towards them from another direction. The second Apache helicopter descends and blow out their tires with a burst of machine gun shots. The pilot of the helicopter lets out a shout of exhilaration over the megaphone as it flies over the motorbikes.

Pilot (via megaphone): Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!

Rosie looks up and sees Tom Cruise piloting the second MOOPs Apache helicopter.

Rosie (excitedly): TOMMY???!!! IS THAT MY TOMMY???!!!

The cell phone in Rosie’s hand rings. She answers it.

Rosie: Tommy???!!!

Tom: Hey Rosie, how’s your day going so far??

Rosie: IT TOTALLY SUCKS!!!

Tom: You didn’t think you would be doing this when you rolled out of bed today, now did ya? (he laughs)

Rosie: IT’S SO NOT FUNNY, TOMMY! GET ME OFF THIS THING!!!

Tom: Now Rosie, I need you to be brave for awhile. I want you to trust us - we’re the MOOPs! (Tom makes a fist in the air)

Rosie: Aw, nuts, not you, too!

Tom: We’re going to have a New World Order soon! And you’re gonna love it!

Rosie: You should have stuck with Scientology, Tommy! The people in this cult are even more whacked out!

Tom laughs.

Tom: Rosie, I love ya, and I can’t wait to see you all later!

Rosie: Where???

Tom: Bye Rosie!

Rosie: …Wait!

Tom hangs up.

Rosie (to the driver): DAMN IT! Why didn’t anyone tell me about all this beforehand??? It’s not like I can’t keep a secret!…well I can for a few days at least!

Tom (via megaphone): Paris, you guys are clear for now. Better split up.

Paris salutes him. He salutes her back.

Tom (via megaphone): Outstanding job ladies. See you at the rendevous. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaa!!!

Tom flies away and joins Martha. The two Apache helicopters fly off. The three motorbikes separate and wind their way through the streets of LA. Soon, a pair of police motorbikes is on the tail of Paris, Lynette, and Rosie. The cops shoot at each of them from behind.

Paris stands on the seat of her motorbike and does a back flip and lands on the backseat of the lead police bike in pursuit. She struggles with the officer over his gun and tosses him off his bike, but retains his gun. She takes the gun and blows out the tire of the 2nd police bike. The police motorbike crashes. Paris catches up with her motorist and jumps back onto the motorbike and speeds off. People on the streets stop and watch, some chanting, “MOOPs, MOOPs, MOOPs!!!”

Lynette’s motorist reduces its speed drastically so that in a split second, it is moving right alongside one of the police motorbikes. Before the cop can re-direct his gun, Lynette slaps it out of the cop’s hand. The cop screams in pain from the violent slap. With one arm, Lynette picks up the cop off his motorbike and throws him onto the other cop on the motorbike. Both cops crash onto the asphalt. People on the street raise their fists and chant “MOOPs, MOOPs, MOOPs!!!”

Rosie calls out for help to the two cops in pursuit of the motorbike she’s on. The lead cop closes in on her bike as Rosie reaches out to the cop with her hand. Suddenly, a car door opens and both police motorists slam into it. The woman jumps out of the car and yells, “MOOPs, MOOPs, MOOPs!!!” She is joined by other pedestrians in the chant. Rosie’s motorbike races on.

Rosie: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[FADE OUT Madonna’s ‘Hung Up’]

Barbara is sitting in her den watching the live broadcast of Paris’ prison breakout. She turns off the television. She has been drinking - there are two glasses on the coffee table. Upset by what she just saw, Barbara pounds on the coffee table with her fist.

Barbara: How could they have known it was her? We took every precaution.

Man (off screen): But now that the MOOPs have her, will we be able to fight them? She is the last piece of the puzzle they need.

Barbara: Our baby! (she wimpers)

The man puts his arms around her, comforting her.

Man: Why didn’t we just whisk her away?

Barbara: I didn’t think the MOOPs would find her.

Man: Now what do we do?

Barbara: Contact the MIPs. I am not giving her up without a fight.

Man: War?

Barbara: Armageddon!

We pull back and see that the man comforting Barbara Walters is Donald Trump!

(to be continued)…

Producer: Rosie, the network wants to go to commercial first!

Rosie: Tell those damn suits to hold it!

Paris: All right ladies, let’s do it!

Paris rips off her prison uniform, shirt and pants, revealing her sexy black dress underneath. A group of women take their positions on the floor and Paris moves to the front and center. The rest of the inmates sit back down in the back to watch.

Paris: HIT IT!

An inmate presses the ‘play’ button on a large boom box. Madonna’s ‘American Life’ [original lyrics revised] plays. Rosie stands off to the side, obviously delighted there is going to be a musical dance number. The cameras are repositioned for full coverage of the performance.

[click here to hear Madonna’s ‘American Life’ with the original lyrics at Free Napster!]

Inmates (singing):
Do I have to change my aim?
Am I just a falling star?
Should I use my fame?
Please don’t hate me from afar.

Paris and the group of inmates begin their dance.

Paris (singing):
I tried to be a boy
I tried to be a girl
I tried to be a mess
I tried to be the best
I guess I did it wrong
That’s why I wrote this song
This type of modern life - Is it for me?
This type of modern life - Is it for free?

Rosie dances in place, enjoying the musical number.

Paris (singing):
So, I went into a bar looking for sympathy
A little company - I tried to find a friend
It’s more easily said it’s always been the same
This type of modern life -Is not for me?
This type of modern life -Is not for free?

Paris moves close to the camera for a close-up for this next part and throws a sultry look at the camera.

Paris (singing):
American life

Inmates (singing):
American Life

Paris (singing):
I live the American dream

Inmates (singing):
American Dream

Paris (singing):
You are the best thing I’ve seen
You are not just a dream

Inmates (singing):
American Life

She rejoins the dancers. They encircle her in a dance as she solos seductively in the middle. The inmates watching get up from their seats and dance in place. The prison guards are also enjoying this musical interlude and they also begin to dance in place.

Paris (singing):
I tried to stay ahead,
I tried to stay on top
I tried to play the part
But somehow I forgot
Just what I did it for
And why I wanted more
This type of modern life - Is it for me?
This type of modern life - Is it for free?

The inmates lift Paris up and rotate her slowly as she maintains a provocative pose.

Inmates (singing):
Do I have to change my aim?
Am I just a falling star?
Should I use my fame?
Please don’t hate me from afar.

They carry her towards the camera as she sings coyly to it.

Paris (singing):
American life

Inmates (singing):
American Life

Paris (singing):
I live the American dream

Inmates (singing):
American Dream

Paris (singing):
You are the best thing I’ve seen (she touches the head of one woman adoringly)
You are not just a dream (she caresses the face of another woman affectionately)

They carry her away from the camera and move her around the room.

Inmates (singing):
American Life
American Life

They set her down on a long table. She crawls towards the camera on all fours as the others dance on either side of the table. Paris sings passionately into the camera, venting her frustrations.

Paris (singing):
I tried to be a boy!
I tried to be a girl!
I tried to be a mess!
I tried to be the best!
I tried to find a friend!
I tried to stay ahead!
I tried to stay on top!
Fuck it!

She gets to the end of the table and stands up to dance on top of it. The others dance below her.

Inmates (singing):
Do I have to change my aim?
Am I just a falling star?
Should I use my fame?
Please don’t hate me from afar.

Paris jumps off the table with their assistance and stands front and center of the dancers for the exchange.

Inmates (singing):
Uh!

Paris (singing):
Fuck it!

Inmates (singing):
Uh!

Paris (singing):
Fuck it!

Inmates (singing):
Uh!

Paris (singing):
Fuck it!

Inmates (singing):
Uh!

Paris (singing):
Fuck it!

For Paris’ rap solo, she leads the dance in unison, moving in on the camera. She puts on a raw and tough expression.

Paris (rapping):
I’m kissin a boy hotty
He loves that I’m a snotty
He goes deep into my botty
I feel like I’m crucified

I spend my million money
But I ain’t got no honey
I just feel kinda crummy
And I’m never satisfied

I walk the road of fame
But it is so fucking lame
I just cry with tears of shame
And I’m never satisfied

This world has become so sick
The White House tenant’s a dick
We need a Prez who’s a chick
And then I’ll be satisfied

I got a lawyer and a manager, an agent and a chef
Three nannies, an assistant and a driver and a jet
A trainer and a butler and a bodyguard or five
A gardener and a stylist, do you think I’m satisfied?
I’d like to express my extreme point of view
I’m not a Christian and I’m not a Jew
I’m just livin’ out the American dream
And I just realized that nothin’ is what it seems

Paris motions to Rosie to join her. Rosie runs enthusiastically over to Paris and they both dance together in the middle of the dancers.

Paris (singing):
Do I have to change my aim?

An inmate pushes the cart with the cake over to where Paris and Rosie are dancing.

Paris (singing):
Am I just a falling star?

Paris signals to other inmates with her eyes. The dancing inmates nod in confirmation.

Paris (singing):
Do I have to change my aim?

The prison guards are dancing with the inmates and in the heat of the dance, their guard is completely down.

Paris (singing):
Am I just a falling star?

Paris (singing):
Do I have to change my aim?

Producer: Rosie, can we go to commercial now?

Rosie and Paris: NO!!!

Rosie: Not on your life!

Rosie and Paris dance to the music near the end of the song. Paris gives the final signal and plunges her hand into the cake and removes a pistol. She cocks it and fires a shot into the ceiling. The music stops. The inmates disarm the prison guards they were dancing with.

Paris (screaming): NO ONE MAKES A MOVE OR THE BIG LESBO GETS IT!

All the large inmates not involved in the insurgence duck behind their chairs.

Paris (yelling at the those inmates): NOT YOU!

Rosie: PARIS!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING???!!!

Rosie moves towards the cake but Paris grabs her and thrusts the pistol in her neck.

Paris: I MEANT ROSIE! ANYBODY MAKES A SUDDEN MOVE AND ROSIE GETS IT!

The two cameras are focused on Paris and Rosie.

Rosie (shocked): YOU RUINED A PERFECTLY GOOD CAKE!!!

Rosie removes cake remnants from the gun pointed at her neck.

Rosie: Mmmm, Martha’s outdone herself…a shame.

Rosie tries to remove more cake pieces from the gun.

Paris: Stop it Rosie.

Rosie: Sorry.

A guard grabs her gun back from an inmate and aims it at Paris.

Guard: DROP IT PARIS!

Paris: I’LL BLOW HER FUCKING HEAD OFF, CARMELLA! I SWEAR I WILL!!!

Rosie (teary): PARIS!!! I’M SORRY ABOUT THE GED COMMENT! REALLY I AM!

Paris: SHUT IT!

Rosie continues to lick her finger.

Guard: DON’T BE STUPID PARIS! DROP YOUR WEAPON AND STEP AWAY FROM THE LESBO!!!

Helene points her rifle at the guard’s head.

Helene: You drop it. Hand it over, Carmella!

The guard relents and the inmate takes back the gun. Without warning, a shot is fired at Paris from the balcony of the second level but it misses her. Janette returns fire and wounds the guard in the leg. The guard falls to the floor of the balcony and screams in pain.

Helene: Nice shot Janette!

Janette: Who was that?

Helene: I think that was Rachel.

Janette: Rachel, is that you?!

Rachel screams.

Janette: Are you all right?!

Rachel: You shot me bitch! How the fuck do you think I am???!!!

Janette: Sorry!

Rosie: WILL YOU GUYS WATCH THE LANGUAGE??? WE’RE STILL LIVE!!!

Paris: Someone will take care of you soon, Rachel. Just keep the pressure on that leg!

Several guards enter the room with arms from both entrances on opposite sides of the room. The insurgents point their guns at them.

Paris (to the guards): STAY BACK OR I’LL BLOW HER FUCKING HEAD OFF!!!

The guards stop where they are.

Rosie (on the verge of tears): PARIS, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS???!!! YOU’RE BEING RELEASED TODAY!!! AND WILL YOU PLEASE STOP CURSIN’???!!!

Paris, Lynette, Helene, Janette: SHUT IT!

More armed guards enter the room and the insurgents are completely surrounded.

Paris (to the guards): You all heard me just now on TV. I am sure all of you have suffered at the hands of men. I want you to lower your weapons and join us!

Guard: This is not the solution Paris!

Paris: We have to end the bloody tyranny of men!

Guard: You can’t fight violence with more violence - you just get more of it!

Paris: Shit! I have to negotiate with fucking Gandhi here!

Rosie: Hey, I am impressed that you know of him. That’s pretty good for a GED, BUT WILL YOU PLEASE STOP CURSIN’???!!!

Paris and All Insurgents: SHUT IT!!!

Helene (worried): What now Paris?

Paris looks out the window anxiously, searching.

Producer (desperately): CAN YOU GUYS PLEASE JUST HOLD EVERYTHING FOR A FEW MINUTES SO THAT WE CAN GO TO COMMERCIAL???!!!

Everyone: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

The producer walks away dejected. The tension in the room is overwhelming. Suddenly, they hear helicopters approaching from the distance. They all turn to look out the window.

Paris (excitedly): MOOPS!

All the inmates gasp.

Inmates (breathlessly): MOOPS!

Rosie: MOOPS?

They all watch through the windows as two Apache helicopters approach the building.

Paris (screaming at the top of her lungs): DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(to be continued)…

In preparation for the imminent live broadcast interview with Paris Hilton, Rosie’s camera crew have set up chairs, cameras, and lights in a large common room of the Century Regional Detention Facility in Lynwood, Ca. Paris is already seated in her interview chair, wearing her prison uniform - a pair of blue pants and a shirt. A makeup person is putting on the last touches on her face and hair. Rosie is double checking last minute details with her producer. Many of the inmates are in the background watching the setup and chatting amongst themselves. Armed security guards are stationed all around the common room watching over everything that is transpiring.

Crew Member: All right, everyone, listen up! We are going live in less than one minute and we are going to be broadcast live nationwide via satellite. So I want your full cooperation and please refrain from talking, moving, or making any kind of noise during the interview. Thank you ladies. (to Rosie) Rosie please take your position.

A hair stylist makes the final adjustment on Rosie’s hair and Rosie takes her seat opposite Paris. She is holding a stack of cards with interview questions.

Paris: Stop it! Enough.

Paris slaps away the hand of the makeup person. A bit startled, the makeup person pulls away.

Paris: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude. (smiling at the makeup person) May I please have a sheet of paper towel?

Crew member: Thirty seconds!

The makeup person hands her a paper towel and Paris uses it to wipe all the makeup off her face.

Rosie: Paris, what are you doing?!

Paris: I told you Rosie, I want to be seen the way I am - RAW!

Rosie assures the makeup person, who then walks away frustrated.

Rosie: All right, well, just relax. You’ll be fine. I am going to stick with the questions that I’ve given you in advance. You have prepared the answers, right?

Paris: Don’t worry, I am very well prepared, Rosie.

Rosie: Atta girl.

Crew member: All right, and we are going live in five, four, three, two,…

The crew member cues Rosie.

Rosie (speaking into one of the cameras): Good evening, this is Rosie O’Donnell, and we are broadcasting live from the Century Regional Detention Facility here in Lynwood, Ca. And I am really excited to be here today because as many of you already know, after 23 days of incarceration, this is the day Paris will be sprung from prison! And she has chosen me to do her first, exclusive interview from prison - live and raw! Eat your heart out Barbara Walters! (turning to Paris) Paris…honey…how are ya? How’ve you been?

Paris: First of all Rosie, I want to thank you so much for coming to see me in jail 20 days ago and comforting me in my darkest hour and giving me advice on how to get through it and I couldn’t have asked for a better friend and I want to thank you again for coming today to help me make the transition back to the real world and to answer your question - yes, I am well, I am very well, thank you, and it’s all due to you, my family, my friends, and to all my fans and supporters out there, especially to those who wrote me letters of love and support, thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Paris blows a sincere kiss at the camera and then hugs Rosie and kisses her on the cheek.

Rosie: Oh Paris, what a sweetheart you are. (looking into the camera) Isn’t she a sweetheart, ladies and gentleman? And such kind, sweet, heartfelt words of thanks and gratitude, even though it was said in one of the longest run-on sentences I ever heard…hehe.

Paris: Well, like you pointed out to me so clearly in our last meeting Rosie, I only have a GED.

Rosie laughs with embarrassment.

Rosie: Hahahaha…she is such a kidder. Prison has not dampened your sense of humor. Now Paris, will you tell us what prison was like? What was a typical day like for you?

Paris: Well, Rosie, I am not going to go into details about my daily routine in prison but what I will say is that I did follow your advice on how to survive by finding the alpha member of the inmates and secured her protection by paying her off and…’PUTTING OUT’, (winks at Rosie) just like you said…

Rosie (cutting her off and stammering): Well Paris, um…I am so glad you…you… made it out of prison unscathed…hehe…such a kidder (glancing down at her cards of questions). Um…wh..what…do you think you learned from this experience?

Paris: Rosie, I am so glad you asked me that question. First of all, I want to take this opportunity to thank judge Sauer because if it hadn’t been for his decision to send me here, I would never have received the most important education in my life. In the 20 days that I have been here, I have learned the true, harsh reality of what many women in America are going through. Do you know that so many of the women here were convicted of crimes they committed because of the men in their lives? (She calls out to one of the inmates) Janette!

One of the inmates sitting in the back stands up and moves towards the camera. A guard steps in and blocks her.

Paris: Let her through, please.

Guard: Get back to your seat, Janette.

Paris: It’s ok. Let her through, please.

Janette stands there, unsure of what to do. The guard motions for her to get back to her seat. Paris stands up and screams in a deep, ferocious, terrifying voice.

Paris: I SAID LET HER THROUGH, GODDAMN IT!!!

The guard is taken aback and steps aside to let Janette pass. Rosie is also stunned by her ferocity, so much so that she drops her cards and almost falls out of her chair. She picks the cards back up. Janette walks up to them and stands alongside Paris, who puts her arms around her. She calls out to two other women.

Paris: Helene! Lynette! Come on over. (turning her attention back to Rosie) This is Janette…

Rosie: Hi Janette!

Paris: …and she was convicted of assault with a deadly weapon because she defended her children against her alcoholic and drug addicted husband who savagely beat her and her kids. He refuses to work and support the family or even to help around the house. And so she had to work full time AND take care of the house and kids. He didn’t lift a finger, except to strike them. She shot him as a last desperate attempt to save her children from this monster.

Rosie: That bastard! Hmmmm…never thought a gun would be so handy….(to the camera)…uh never mind I said that…hehe.

Helene and Lynette walk over and stand alongside Janette.

Paris: And that’s Helene - she was convicted of selling drugs because she had to make extra money outside of working two full time minimum wage jobs to support her three children by herself since her ex-husband failed to pay child support. And he had abused her and her children, plus he cheated on her repeatedly. In the end, the jerk didn’t even try to hide his affairs and flaunted his girlfriends right in front of her and the children and right in their own home!

Rosie: Yes, that is the sad and terrible reality faced by many, many women in America today on a continuous basis. It’s unbelievablely tragic what some of these single mothers have to go through to provide for their children. Helene, I commend you for your bravery, not that I am condoning selling drugs as moonlighting but that extra drug money really made a difference between putting food on the table or starving, huh? You know I love what they’re selling now over by Wilshire - it’s these…(The producer coughs out loud deliberately.) Oh…hehe…just a little humor.

Paris: And this is Lynette. She was sexually abused by her father when she was a teen and ran away, became a hooker, and was arrested running a brothel.

Lynette, a very tall, large African-American woman, towers over everyone in the room. She extends her hand, but Rosie looks at her huge hand and remembers the pain from an earlier grip. Rosie smiles and waves at Lynette instead of shaking her hand.

Rosie: Hi Lynette, we’ve met. Was the business good at least?

Lynette: It was FUCKING FANTASTIC!!!

Rosie reacts with a bit of panic.

Lynette: A lot of horny men paid me a lot of good money for my girls…and some women too…hehe!

Rosie cuts the air in front of her throat with her hand, signaling Lynette to cut out the bad language.

Rosie: …uh…no cursin’…we’re sort of…live…hehe.

Lynette: Oh! (laughing) Where are my manners!

She slaps Rosie’s shoulder in jest and Rosie stumbles, almost falling to the floor.

Lynette (into the camera): Sorry America! Bad habit!

Paris: She is the alpha member, Rosie, and my cell-mate. How lucky can a girl get in prison??

Rosie (regaining her balance): Oh, SHE is the alpha member? I couldn’t tell…

Lynette: Well, not anymore I’m not! (indicating Paris) Paris is running this joint now.

Paris smiles confidently. Lynette walks over to Paris and puts one arm around Paris’ waist.

Lynette: This one is a little tiger…hehe…and in more ways than one!

Lynette winks at Rosie and kisses Paris on the cheeks. Paris grabs Lynette’s face and kisses her deeply on the mouth. Both cameras turn and zoom in on the kiss. Rosie, shocked and embarrassed, moves quickly away from them and motions for one cameraman to follow her.

Rosie: (to the cameraman) Hey you! Over here!

The cameraman doesn’t turn the camera and continues to focus on the kiss. Rosie runs up to him and smacks him on the head. He then turns the camera away and it accidentally hits Rosie in the face.

Rosie: OW!

She runs back to her position in front of the camera, out of range of the kiss.

Rosie (into the camera): OK! And NOW, we are going to bring out our surprise for Paris…

Paris: No wait!

Paris runs in front of Rosie.

Paris: I want to say something very important to the women of America.

Rosie: Uh…

Rosie looks flips through her card of questions and looks puzzled.

Paris: These true stories are just a small sample of the horrors most of these women in here have experienced at the hands of men.

She moves closer to the camera, blocking most of Rosie, who tries to peer over her shoulder at the camera.

Paris: Sisters of America. Are you tired of being victimized by men? Are you tired of working as a mother and wife 24/7 and not being loved, respected, or even appreciated? Are you tired of the men who have betrayed and cheated on you throughout your life? Are you tired of making 70 cents for every dollar that a man makes? Are you tired of working years under a glass ceiling knowing that you will never be promoted to the top no matter how good you are at your job??? Are you sick of all the insensitivity and brutality of men that have tormented women for countless generations?

Inmates: Yes!

Paris: Are you disgusted with the tyranny of men in power since the dawn of civilization that have perpetuated endless cycles of misery, violence, and wars???!!!

Inmates: YES!!!!

Rosie flips through her card of questions, very puzzled at how the interview has come to this point.

Paris: Or maybe you are just FED UP WITH PICKING HIS DIRTY SOCKS UP FROM THE FLOOR EVERY DAY OF YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Inmates: YES!!!!!!!!!!!

Rosie tosses away her cards of questions. She motions to her producer to bring in the surprise.

Paris: If you have answered any of these questions with a resounding yes, then I beseech you, Sisters of America, to rise up, and reclaim your rightful, God-given feminine power, and join me and all the women of America who are sick and tired of being persecuted and victimized by the cruelty of men and stand up against their oppression and tyranny!

She makes a fist at the camera.

Paris: Seek us out, in every corner of America, in every supermarket, in every playground, in every knitting class, in every PTA meeting, in every office of corporate America, and even in every Girl Scout jamboree…seek us out FOR WE ARE THE ‘MOOPS’!!!

Rosie: The ‘Moops’?

Paris: The ‘MOOPS’ are women and even some good men who want Men Out Of Power in every sector of civilization - especially government! M - O - O - P…Men Out Of Power…MOOPs! There can never be peace and justice under a patriarchy! Just yell out ‘Moops’ , loud and proud, in any of those places, and a MOOPs will answer you, and together we will reclaim our rightful power to rule in peace!

She turns to the inmates and raises her fist. In response, they stand up and chant, raising their fists in allegiance.

Inmates: MOOPS!!! MOOPS!!! MOOPS!!! MOOPS!!! MOOPS!!! MOOPS!!!

Paris waves at the inmates to come forward and join her right in front of the camera. They run up to her and chant into the camera, raising their fists in unison.

Paris and Inmates (into the camera): MOOPS!!! MOOPS!!! MOOPS!!! MOOPS!!! MOOPS!!! MOOPS!!! MOOPS!!!

Rosie is stunned and laughs uncomfortably, embarrassed at how she has completely lost control of this interview. The crew brings in a huge cake on a cart.

Rosie: Hehehehe…Ok, well, Paris!…that was very…interesting and quite informative.

Paris and inmates continue to chant passionately, not paying any attention to her. They hoist Paris onto their shoulders.

Paris and Inmates (into the camera): MOOPS!!! MOOPS!!! MOOPS!!! MOOPS!!! MOOPS!!! MOOPS!!! MOOPS!!!

Rosie: Settle down, settle down. Quiet please. QUIET!!!

Paris and Inmates: MOOPS!!! MOOPS!!! MOOPS!!! MOOPS!!! MOOPS!!! MOOPS!!! MOOPS!!! MOOPS!!! MOOPS!!! MOOPS!!! MOOPS!!! MOOPS!!!

Rosie: All right! THAT’S ENOUGH!!!

Paris and Inmates (louder and more fervently): MOOPS!!! MOOPS!!! MOOPS!!! MOOPS!!! MOOPS!!! MOOPS!!! MOOPS!!! MOOPS!!! MOOPS!!! MOOPS!!! MOOPS!!!

Rosie whistles loudly with her fingers.

Rosie (screaming ferociously): SHUUUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The chanting stops. They set Paris down.

Rosie (embarrassed by her ferociousness): Well…that was very…enjoyable…hehe…sounded like a herd of cows on sterioids! But Paris, look at this! (indicating the cake) Look at what I brought you! A cake celebrating your release from prison today! Isn’t that cake just the most gorgeous yummy thing you have ever seen?

Paris looks at the cake - it says: “Congratulations Paris! Now Your Life Begins!”

Paris: Awwww, that is soooo beautiful!

Rosie: …and guess who…

Paris (overlapping): Martha is so thoughtful!

Rosie: How did you know it was from Martha Stewart?

Paris (evasively): Eh…well, who else could be so thoughtful and talented to make such a wonderful cake??

Rosie is puzzled.

Rosie: Yes…who else…hmmmm..

Paris gives her a deceitful smile.

Rosie (enthusiastically): Well, shall we cut the cake???

Rosie moves towards the cake, eager to dig right in, but Paris stops her.

Paris: Before we do that Rosie, we all have a big surprise for YOU!

Rosie (excited): You do?? For me???!!!

Paris: Uh huh!

Rosie (beaming): I’m excited!!!

(to be continued)…

The women of ‘The View’, Barbara Walters, Rosie O’Donnell, Joy Behar, and Elisabeth Hasselbeck, are gathered in Barbara’s office for their regular ‘post-mortem’ meeting to discuss what transpired on the show. Barbara is seated behind her desk and the three other women are seated on the other side of it with Rosie in the middle.

Barbara: Well, what did you think of today’s show ladies?

Joy: I don’t have any problems. (looking at Rosie and Elisabeth) Do you?

Rosie and Elisabeth shake their heads.

Elisabeth: I don’t have any concerns, except maybe we should get a little bit more heated in the political debates. (to Rosie) You’re holding back on me Rosie!

Rosie: Elisabeth, I don’t want to start yelling, not at a pregnant woman.

Elisabeth: Rosie, I can take it! I am a big girl!

Rosie: What if your kid turns into a gay liberal because he or she heard me talking politics from the womb? Then you’ll come after me 13 or 14 years from now with your semi-automatic.

Elisabeth: That’s funny, I would think hearing you talk politics would have just the opposite effect.

Rosie: What??

Elisabeth: Just kidding…just kidding, Rosie. I’m just trying to rile you up for our next political verbal tussel. (laughs nervously)

Rosie (eyes her suspiciously): Hmmmmm…

Barbara: I agwee with Elisabeth. The watings are down fwom two weeks ago, ever since you (indicating at Rosie) declared a cease-fire. I want the fur flying again duwing ‘hot topics’.

Rosie: All right. If that’s what you both want, then I’ll start yelling again.

Joy: Wait a minute! Again?? What do you mean ‘again’? When did you ever stop?? Are we on the same show?? (Joy laughs sarcastically)

Rosie returns a resentful look at Joy. They stare each other down for a moment and then, they break out laughing. Elisabeth laughs at them as well.

Rosie: Oh, I enjoy you Behar.

Barbara: Well I have a concern.

The three women stop laughing at the same time. They tense up and turn to look at Barbara glaring at them.

Barbara: Why did you all excowiate Kathy Hilton today? I was extwemely embawwassed.

Rosie: Ex…what?

Barbara: ExcoWIATE!

Pause. Rosie looks at Joy for an explanation, but Joy tactfully shrugs indicating that she has no clue about what Barbara is saying either. Elisabeth, clearly nervous and perplexed as well, just looks down at her feet. Rosie mouths ‘Excowiate’ to herself.

Rosie: Oh!…ExcoRIATE!

Barbara: That’s what I just said!

Rosie: Well…Barbara, that’s…that’s a very strong word.

Joy: We didn’t excoriate her. We just questioned why Paris Hilton is the way she is.

Barbara: You questioned the way Pawis was bwought up.

Rosie: We questioned the values that were instilled in her…yes.

Barbara: And so, in turn, you questioned how Kathy waised her and effectively, called her a bad mother.

Pause.

Rosie (tactfully): Well…I wouldn’t go so far as to say that that was what we meant…

Joy (cutting Rosie off): YES!!! That’s EXACTLY what we meant!

Rosie glares at Joy, giving her the ‘what-the-hell-are-you-doing’ look.

Joy: So what??

Barbara (getting angry): So what??

Barbara slowly gets up from her chair, fuming. She pounds her hand on the desk.

Elisabeth: Oh boy…

Barbara: SO WHAT??!!

Rosie gives Joy an exasperated look.

Rosie (whispering to Joy): Now you’ve done it Behar.

Barbara: Kathy Hilton is a good fwiend of mine! I have known her for over 20 years! How dare you question her chawacter and fitness as a mother on national television?? Don’t you know that I see her socially and I am having dinner with Rick and Kathy at their Hamptons mansion this weekend?? Now I am completely mowtified about having to attend because of your atwocious statements!!! How dare you make my social life difficult!!!

The three women cringe in her presence and slump down in their chairs.

Rosie: Well, you know Barbawa…I mean, Barbara… the show IS called ‘The View’ and you hired us to give our views on anything…

Barbara: I KNOW WHAT THE SHOW IS CALLED AND LET ME WEMIND YOU, O’DONNELL, I CWEATED ‘THE VIEW’ AND THE LAST TIME I CHECKED, I AM STILL THE EXECUTIVE PWODUCER!

Rosie gulps down a lump in her throat.

Barbara (to Rosie): I have alweady lost a gweat many fwiends by your so-called ‘views’. And for the ones that I haven’t lost yet, I am tired of having to apologize for your insensitive statements time and time again! I’ve never been so embawwassed in all of my life…not since that whole ‘what twee are you?’ debacle!

Rosie (rising up and gaining courage): What have I said that is so terrible, Barbara???

Joy shakes her head furtively at Rosie and mouths ‘no’ to her. Barbara looks at her incredulously.

Barbara: What have you said??? WHAT HAVE YOU SAID???!!! You mean, ‘what HAVEN’T you said!!! You have insulted everyone from Kelly Wipa to Paula Abdul to the Chinese to the Chwistian Wight…

Rosie: The Christian Right can go suck it!

Barbara: …to Pwesident Bush…

Rosie: He can go suck the Christian Right!

Barbara: …to Donald Twump!

Rosie: Donald Trump!! That sick, creepy bastard deserved everything I said!!!

Barbara: HE WAS MY FWIEND!!! HE DIDN’T ANTAGONIZE YOU!!! YOU STARTED THIS WHOLE UGLY FEUD WITH HIM!!! YOU THWEW HIM IN THE MUD AND WOLLED AWOUND WITH HIM IN IT LIKE A PIG!!!

Barbara realizes what she had said and quickly puts her hand to her mouth. Rosie stands up and eyeballs her.

Rosie: SOOO….what Trump said WAS true! You DID call me a pig and told him not to roll in the mud with me!

Barbara (frightened): Now Wosie, I didn’t mean it at the time. I was just pandewing to Trump’s anger in order to stop him from wetaliating against you. I was weally thinking of you.

Rosie: Bullshit!

Barbara: No weally, I was…

Rosie (gasps at a sudden epiphany): WERE YOU IN ON TRUMP’S STUNT THAT MADE MY MOTHER-IN-LAW THE SUPRISE GUEST CO-HOST??? (she lets out another gasp) YOU WERE THE ONE WHO KNOCKED OUT BILL GEDDIE!!!

Barbara (nervous and tense): What are you talking about Wosie?

Rosie: How did you tie yourself up???!!!

Barbara (evasively): Stop talking nonsense Wosie! That’s widiculous! I would never do anything like that! Nor could I!

Rosie eyes her suspiciously. Barbara flinches and looks away. Rosie sits back down in her chair.

Barbara: As I was saying, I was twying to pwotect you. I am always twying to pwotect you all. That’s my job. In fact,…

Barbara picks up a pile of folders.

Barbara: …I have compiled a list of people you should ‘ease up’ on for your own good.

She hands each of them a folder. The ladies open them and find a stack of paper listing hundreds of influential people.

Barbara: These are vewy powerful and influential men and women you shouldn’t cwiticize so harshly because…

Rosie: Because they are all your friends!

Barbara: Well, certainly, some of them are my fwiends…but they are also vewy powerful and can pwove to be dangewous if pwovoked.

Joy: You know Barbara, this list includes just about everybody. (she holds up the stack of pages and lets it drop, revealing a very long roll). Instead of my reading through the names of hundreds of people on here, why don’t you just give us a list of people we CAN lace into!

Rosie (flipping through the list): I have a feeling that would be a very short…GEORGE W. BUSH!!! YOU PUT THE BUSH ON THE LIST???!!!

Joy: OH NO YOU DIDN’T???!!! (Joy flips through the pages to the ‘B’s)

Elisabeth (smiling): Oh cool. (drops her smile suddenly) Oh wait, then how will we be able to debate?

Joy: Oh Barbara, how could you???!!!

Rosie: What the hell is the meaning of this???!!!

Barbara looks at their angry and disappointed faces, and then begins to cry.

Barbara: I have never ever NOT been invited to a White House State dinner since I began my caweer. And it is all on account of you (looking at Rosie) and your extweme libewalism and constant bawwage of cwiticism against Bush. They are punishing me for hiring you! They purposely invited this neophyte (pointing at Elisabeth) instead of me as a vewy delibewate slap in the face!

Elisabeth: Oh Barbara…

Barbara collapses over her desk and pounds her fists against the top of it and kicks her heels in the air.

Barbara: I WANTED TO BWEAK BWEAD WITH THE PWESIDENT! I WANTED TO CHAT WITH THE QUEEN OVER EARL GWEY! I WANTED TO BE SEEN AND PHOTOGWAPHED AT A WHITE HOUSE WHITE-TIE STATE DINNER!!! I HAD THE PERFECT WHITE AWMANI DWESS TOO!!!

She sobs deeply. Joy and Elisabeth approach the desk to comfort her and pat her on the back.

Elisabeth: There, there, Barbara. They should have invited you. I don’t even know who Earl Grey is!

Joy rolls her eyes at Elisabeth and smirks at Rosie, giving her ‘get-a-load-of-this-one’ look.

Rosie (with feigned certainty): He’s that…British…conservative…dude…

Joy rolls her eyes at Rosie as well and shakes her head.

Joy: I swear, you two nimkompoops are more alike than different sometimes. (to Barbara) Ok, Barbara. We’ll ease up on the politics. Besides, we just keep going in circles with this unrelenting neocon rehashing the same crap over and over again and it gets nowhere.

Elisabeth gives her a dirty look. Joy mouths ‘kidding’ to her. Barbara recovers, gets off the desk, and sits back down in her chair. Rosie asservatively puts her feet up on Barbara’s desk and continues to look through the folder. Barbara is visibly displeased with her show of disrespect and defiance.

Rosie: I don’t understand. First you tell me to rev up the heat for the political ‘hot topics’ and now you tell me to ease up on criticizing the President, as well as hundreds of people on here (indicating the list). This is impossible!

Barbara: It’s not impossible. Actually, it’s very simple. Just keep the political debates heated and passionate but lay off the President and all those people on that list (indicating the folder).

Rosie: Are you kidding me Barbara??? That’s totally ridiculous! I can’t have a real political debate without criticizing the President and hundreds of his cronies listed here. I am not like you. I can’t co-host a show called ‘The View’ and then NOT HAVE opinions like you!

Barbara (fuming): I am being vewy patient with you and you have not been considewate.

Rosie scrunches up her face, not understanding what Barbara is saying.

Rosie: What?…Did you just call me a half-wit? What??

Barbara (still fuming): You have not been considewate!

Rosie: Oh….considerate.

Barbara: That’s what I said!

Rosie: I couldn’t understand you. And it’s not the first time.

Barbara is insulted by her jab. Rosie flagrantly recrosses her legs on Barbara’s desk. Barbara is furious.

Rosie (sighing): Ok for Christsake, let’s just take it one fucking elitist at a time! (She flips open the folder to the top of the list.) You know, it’s very difficult to think during ‘hot topics’ when there is a constant barrage of change this, change that, no, wait, wait, do it another way. Don’t get me started…it’s impossible! One co-host is doing one thing and another is doing another. I am not as brilliant as you! I can’t keep up with you! All I know how to do is kick ass…I don’t know how to kiss’em the way you do!

Barbara is at the brink. An assistant knocks on the door.

Barbara: YES???!!!

The assistant comes in and stands near the door.

Assistant (nervously to Barbara): Paris Hilton called from the jail. She couldn’t hold for very long and so she had to leave a message.

Barbara (annoyed): Why didn’t you just put the call thwough???

Assistant: …Well, I heard shouting and…crying…

Barbara (embarrassed but still stewing): …Well, what’s the message?!

Assistant (taking a deep breath): Paris is canceling her interview with you. However, she wants Rosie to do a live interview of her from inside the jail on the day of her release.

[MUSIC CUE: Start ABBA’s ‘Ring Ring’ - click here to hear the song at Free Napster!]

Upon seeing the angry reaction on Barbara’s face, the assistant rushes out and shuts the door behind her. Rosie smirks at her triumph over Barbara. Joy and Elisabeth look at each other nervously, unsure of what to say. Barbara’s face turns red and angry hot. She stands up and with one stroke of her arm she pushes a stack of papers and chachkas off her desk.

Barbara (screaming at Rosie): FUDGE YOU! I WAS JUST TWYING TO HELP YOU! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME???…TO PWOTECT YOU!

Barbara kicks some files situated over the edge of her desk into the air. Rosie stands up to face her defiantly. Joy and Elisabeth get up and turn to go.

Joy: Way to go, O’Donnell!

Joy and Elisabeth run out the door and shut it behind them. Barbara continues to trash her office by knocking things off her desk, small tables, and shelves.

Barbara: I HAVE BEEN TWYING TO BE YOUR COLLABOWATOR INSTEAD OF YOUR BOSS! I AM NOT HERE TO BE FUDGING YELLED AT BY YOU! I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON THIS SHOW FOR TEN FUDGING YEARS NOT TO HAVE SOME FUDGING FLOOSY YELL AT ME IN FWONT OF THE FUDGING STAFF WHEN I AM TWYING TO FUDGING HELP YOU, YOU TWOLLOP!

Barbara moves towards the door, knocks over a lamp, and flings opens the door violently. Joy and Elisabeth as well as a couple of other staff people fall in. A horde of people have gathered outside in the hallway. The small crowd quickly disperses and scrambles for safety fast!

Barbara: FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF!

Rosie: I have figured it out…

Barbara: YEAH, WELL, FUDGE YOURSELF!

Barbara storms out of the office. She can be heard ranting and raving in the hallway. Rosie laughs at her lunacy. Barbara walks back into her office and beseeches Rosie with her hands.

Barbara: YOU’RE A FUDGING GWOWN UP! ACT LIKE A GWOWN UP! YOU’RE NOT A BABY! I’M HERE TO FUDGING HELP YOU! THAT’S ALL I WAS DOING!

Rosie: Stop yelling! You’re starting to sound more and more like me.

Barbara: HAVE I YELLED AT YOU BEFORE WIGHT NOW???!!! NO, I HAVE NEVER FUDGING YELLED AT YOU!

She grabs one of her Emmy trophies and is about to hurl it across the room, when she realizes what she was about to throw and stops herself. She hugs her Emmy for comfort.

Rosie (searingly): I HAVE FIGURED IT OUT, BARBARA WALTERS. YOU WERE TOTALLY, UNEQUIVOCALLY, WITHOUT A DOUBT, THE SECURITY BREACH THAT AIDED AND ABETTED DONALD TRUMP IN MAKING A COMPLETE FOOL OF ME IN FRONT OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ON LIVE NATIONAL TELEVISION YESTERDAY!!!

Barbara glares at Rosie in fury.

Barbara: YES I WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS!!!!!

Blinded by rage, she hurls the Emmy across the room and it crashes into a glass case of awards, completely shattering it. She lets out a full release of anger and frustration.

Barbara: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Rosie folds her arms in triumph and smirks.

Rosie: And they say that I kicked ‘The View’ up a notch?? Huh! Wait till ‘Access Hollywood’ hears about this!!! The tabloids have a new biddy to fry!!!

Barbara slumps over her desk in resignation.

[Fade out ABBA’s ‘Ring Ring]

(to be continued)…

[Watch the YouTube video that helped inspire this twisted story. Warning: Strong language]:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F86s4Vq59Ks&mode=related&search

[Read related stories: Surprise Guest Co-Host Week On ‘The View’ Part I, II, and III!]

Rosie walks into the large visitors hall at the Century Regional Facility in Lynwood, Ca. The room is filled with small tables arranged in a grid pattern. Visiting relatives and friends are seated opposite prison inmates and are quietly chatting. Some are holding hands with friends and relatives; some are crying.

A guard leads Rosie to an empty table. She sits and looks around the large room. Many of the inmates look tough, hardened, and masculine. A moment later, a guard brings Paris Hilton in and leads her to Rosie’s table. She has a black eye and looks tense and nervous. She is wearing a pair of blue pants and shirt. She sees Rosie and a mixture of surprise and welcomed relief flashes across her face. She takes a seat opposite Rosie at the table.

Rosie: Oh my God, Paris honey, are you ok?

Paris shrugs her shoulders.

Paris: I’m in jail…am I supposed to be ok?

She touches her shiner lightly.

Rosie: What happened?

Paris: I don’t want to talk about it.

Rosie: If I had’ve known, I would have brought you something for it…like a raw steak.

Paris: Don’t worry about it. They would have beaten me to a pulp to get to the steak and devour it raw. What are you doing here?

Rosie: I said on ‘The View’ that I was gonna visit ya and so here I am, keeping my word. How are you doin’ otherwise?

Paris: Well, Rosie, I’ve been stripped of all my things. I’ve been stripped searched and humiliated by at least one female guard who enjoyed it. Every morning, I am forced out of bed at 5am and I have to make my own bed. I can’t wear makeup and I’m forced to wear polyester…designed by some fashion-school reject. I am fed food that I wouldn’t even give to stray dogs. I have to shower with a bunch of rabid women with testosterone problems. At night, the rats run around like boy scouts in a jamboree and think I am a giant pinata. At least one fight breaks out amongst these so-called…women… every hour. The colors here are all hideously wrong. And I think there is a contest to see who can make Paris Hilton look like a racoon by blackening the other eye. AND it smells. So, how do you think I am doing?

Rosie is speechless for a moment and stammers.

Rosie: Uh…well…uh…are you making any friends at least?

Paris: Oh for God’s sakes Rosie, what do you think this is - a big pajama party?

Rosie: Doesn’t mean you can’t get to know some of the women.

Paris: I just keep to myself mostly and avoid looking at anybody - they are all so disgusting looking anyway.

Rosie: Now that’s the kind of attitude that can get you into trouble. You have 20 days left in here and you have to learn how to make nice to survive.

Paris: I can take care of myself! They’re just a bunch of public school losers.

Rosie: Look, I would drop the holier-than-thou attitude ’cause you didn’t fare any better with your private schooling, Miss GED.

Paris flashes an angry look at Rosie.

Rosie: These women will pick up on your snobbiness and turn you into meat-by-products by the time you’re supposed to get outta here.

Paris: Oh Rosie, I don’t belong in here. I haven’t done anything even close to what these women are in here for - prostitution, drugs, theft, robbery, gang violence. That fucking sick judge is really cruel to put me in here with these low-life’s…

Rosie: Well, where did you want them to put you, Paris? I don’t think Club Med has built timeshare prisons on Catalina just yet.

Paris looks at Rosie with some hostility.

Paris: I didn’t do anything wrong on purpose! I’ve never broken any other laws! I don’t jaywalk. I always have my personal assistant pick up after Tinkerbell when I walk her. I even order my staff to recyle all my Armani and Tiffany shopping bags!

Rosie: No, you just drove drunk and endangered the lives of pedestrians and drivers, and could have crippled, maimed, or killed someone.

Paris is now pissed.

Paris: Why are you here, Rosie?

Rosie: …I just want to visit ya…to see if you’re ok.

Paris: Why? Why do you care? You and those bitches on ‘The View’ always make fun of me and put me down.

Rosie: ‘Cause I kinda understand your position. I am ashamed to admit it but when I was in my early 20s, I drove drunk on my way back from clubs and gigs. I was also young and stupid…I just didn’t get caught…

Paris leans in towards Rosie.

Paris: What are you hoping for Rosie? Sex?

Rosie: Paris! I have nothing but maternal feelings towards you!

Paris: Everyone here wants to do me…they’ve all been looking at me and licking their chops since I got here.

A very tall, large, masculine-looking African-American woman walks up to Rosie. She speaks in a low, brusque voice.

Lynette: Are you Rosie O’Donna?

Rosie: Yes. O’Donnell…

Lynette: Oh my God…

She takes Rosie’s hand and shakes it vigorously.

Lynette: …I just love you on ‘The View’.

Rosie reacts to her hand being crushed.

Lynette: We all watch it religiously here and on behalf of all the women here, I just want to say - thank you. Thank you for speaking up for us women. And if I ever see that Donald Trump, I am going to knock the living daylights out of him with a one-two punch!

She mimicks an air punch and laughs in a husky voice. Rosie shakes off the pain and numbness of her hand.

Rosie: Hehe…I think just one would do it. Thank you and you are?

Lynette: Lynette. I’m Paris’ cellmate.

Rosie: Well, it’s nice to meet you, Lynette.

A guard steps in.

Guard: All right, let’s go Lynette.

She taps Lynette on the back of her arm and motions for her to move on. Lynette moves backwards towards the exit.

Lynette: Rock on sistuh!

Lynette puts up her thumbs. Rosie puts up her thumbs too and smiles. Lynette accidentally bumps a male visitor sitting at a nearby table as she steps backwards. The slight bumps knocks the guy completely off the chair.

Lynette: Moops! Sorry.

Lynette smiles and waves goodbye to Rosie. Rosie waves back.

Rosie: Did she say ‘Moops’?

Paris shrugs her shoulders and rolls her eyes in contempt.

Rosie: Now where did I hear that? Wasn’t that from ‘Seinfeld’?

Paris: Who knows? English is her 2nd language after gibberish…

Rosie: Paris! She seems nice. You should make friends with her. Maybe she can protect you.

Paris (wimpering): Can she protect me from the public? Everyone wants me to burn and crash. Oh Rosie, my name, my image…everything that I have been doing to reverse my image since the release of that sex tape has been ruined.

Rosie: How? …by flashing your crotch to the paparazzi???

Paris (smirking): Like you didn’t enjoy that.

Rosie is flustered for a moment.

Rosie: Errr…Paris stop it! I’m tryin’ ta help you here. Now what if I came here with a camera crew on the day of your release and get an exclusive. You can tell the whole world that you’ve changed, that you’ve been humbled by this experience, and that there is a new Paris ready to make a positive impact on the world!

Paris: Rosie, are you insane? I am not going to let the world see me in this hideous outfit and with no makeup. And it takes a staff of people hours to make me look like…well…Paris Hilton.

Rosie: But that’s the whole point of coming here…to let the world see Paris with her hair down, humbled, vulnerable…and transformed. It can help reverse your entire spoiled, slutty, and self-serving image!

Paris thinks about it for a moment.

Paris: Hmmmm…that is a good idea, Rosie. I am going to have my mother to get a special designer and makeup artist to dress me down fashionably. If I have to look drab, I want it done aesthetically pleasing. Oh and I have to have Barbara’s lighting crew in on this too.

Rosie: What? Barbara’s interviewing you? When?

Paris: She has an exclusive with me after my release.

Rosie: Oh, that bitch Barbara. She’s always getting first dibs in the cookie jar.

Paris: It was my mother’s idea. She had it arranged before I even stepped foot in here. And when my mother snaps her fingers, Barbara Walters jumps.

Rosie (muttering to herself): That elitist brown-noser…

Paris: What?

Rosie: Uh…nothing. Well, I came here really worried about you but I can see you have everything planned out.

Paris: Nobody messes with the Hiltons honey.

Rosie: They sure can’t. Just a couple more pieces of advice: You have money - use it to your advantage in here.

Paris: Oh Rosie, how would it be different from the way I operate outside?

Rosie chuckles.

Rosie: You’re right. What was I thinking?

Paris: And the other piece of advice?

Rosie: Find the alpha member. Make friends with her.

Paris: How? Bribe her?

Rosie: Yes! And if that’s not enough, well…

Rosie raises her eyebrows and smirks.

Rosie: …you know…

Paris: Put out?

Rosie gives her a big wink.

(to be continued)…

Alec looks into her eyes.

Alec: All right, all right. I’ll do it.

He unbuckles his belt and unzips his pants, letting it fall to his ankles. He begins to remove his underwear.

Kathy: Uh…(she smiles and looks him up and down)…no. Tempting…but no.

Embarrassed, Alec pulls his pants back up and fastens it.

Kathy: God, your ego is as over-inflated as your temper. Normally, I wouldn’t have turned that down (she winks at him and clicks her teeth)…but right now, I have a better idea.

Alec: What do you want me to do then?

Kathy: While I have you here, under the mercy of my discretion, I want you to do an encore performance for a couple of teenage hoodlums: my niece and nephew.

Alec: What performance?

Kathy twirls the cell phone in front of his face.

Alec: Wait a minute, you want me to call your niece and nephew and leave an angry voicemail?

Kathy: Not just leave an angry voicemail. I want you to scare the shit out of them! I want you to send shivers down their spines. I want you to terrorize them until they have lost all sense of security! I want you to straighten them…

Alec: What kind of sick, sadistic aunt are you?

Kathy: The kind that had her brand new Mercedes hijacked by her bratty niece. The kind that had her expensive and decadent fountain wrecked by her destructive nephew. The kind that has a couple of sweet dogs named Chance and Pom-Pom, whose lives now hang in the balance because animal torture is the next evolutionary stage of their callous teen years (she fakes a sniffle). The kind that clings to Chance and Pom-Pom as the only family members she has left after a pernicious and devastating divorce.

Kathy holds her heart, lowers her head, and fakes a sob.

Alec: I’m sorry, but I won’t do it.

She grabs and wrenches his shirt, taking out a few chest hairs.

Kathy: Do you realize that I have to babysit these two brats in about a week? I have to prepare for a show then and so I won’t have time to watch them like a hawk! Do you realize the danger you are putting Chance and Pom-Pom in by denying me this service?

Alec: What am I? Terror-R-Us?

Kathy: It doesn’t cost you anything! Every teen should be scared out of their wits by you. You know, this whole Iraqi war would be so over if you would just call Al Zeebaba or whatever their names are over there and start leaving voicemails. With a cell phone in your hand, you ARE a weapon of mass destruction! But I’m not asking you to create world peace. I’m just asking you to straighten out a couple of teenagers for me. Please???

Alec: No, no, I will NEVER EVER repeat that horrible voicemail again.

Kathy: Please??? For Chance and Pom-Pom??? Woof, woof. I know you are an animal lover and activist. By the way, I saw your shamelesss self-promotional video on the PETA website, and I just want to say…(putting up her thumb)…way to go! I would do the same if my career were tanking…

Alec: What??? I wasn’t promoting… This is ridiculous…I am not making any calls for you. I doubt that I will leave a voicemail for anybody ever again!

Kathy: Then, I am not going to call the goons downstairs to get us outta here.

Alec: I don’t believe you. You want out of here as much as I do.

They stare at each other down in stalemate. After a moment, Kathy stamps her foot.

Kathy: Damn it! All right, you leave me no choice but to do this.

She opens her phone and shows him a photo of him removing his underwear with his pants down.

Alec: How did you take that without my knowing it???!!!

Kathy: Are you kidding me??? You are asking the best opportunist and sensationalist in the world! You think I would pass up on ‘Alec Baldwin with his pants down’ without taking advantage and getting the upper hand?? Who do you think choreographed the release of the Camilla-Gate tapes without getting involved on record?? Who do you think egged Linda Tripp on and got her to snitch?? Who do you think advised Corey Clark to go public about his affair with Paula Abdul?? Now make that call for me or else I will release this photo to the press and tell the whole world Alec Baldwin tried to rape Miss Kathy in an elevator!!!

Alec: You are INSANE!!!

Kathy: Don’t forget ‘totally conniving, manipulative, and vicious’!

Alec: I can’t believe this is happening!

Kathy: Oh believe it! I will make your voicemail scandal look like a prologue to your personal armageddon! You may even go to jail for it and believe me, your pants will be coming down for your cell buddy on your very first night! NOW MAKE THAT CALL!

She holds the cell phone out and glares at him. Defeated, Alec takes the cell phone.

Alec: All right, what’s the number?

Kathy: 213-555-0710.

Alec presses some keys on the cell phone. Kathy tries to look over his shoulder but Alec turns to block her.

Kathy: Hey, you aren’t dialing, are you???!!! You’re trying to delete that photo!!! GIVE ME BACK THAT PHONE!!!

They struggle over the cell phone. Alec easily pushes her away and tries frantically to find the photo on the cell phone. Kathy jumps onto his back and covers his eyes with one hand and tries to take the phone with the other.

Kathy: GIVE ME THAT PHONE!!!

Alec backs up and slams her against the wall of the elevator.

Kathy: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Kathy slaps his head and pulls on his hair.

Alec: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Kathy: You lying louse! Only I am allowed to be so deceptive…

Alec slams her hard against the wall and she falls off of him. She gets up and starts stomping on the elevator floor, shaking it.

Alec: No! Don’t do that!

Kathy: I’m doing it!

She jumps up and down with all her might, shaking the elevator violently. Alec is terrified. He backs up against the wall and grips the railing.

Kathy: If I can’t save Chance and Pom-Pom, I don’t want to live! And you are going to plummet down 59 floors with me!!! CHANCE AND POM-POM…MOMMY IS DOING THIS FOR YOU!!!

She repeatedly jumps up and down. She grabs the railing and shakes the elevator. She slaps and kicks the walls of the elevator. Alec slides down the backwall, curls up like a ball, and weeps.

Alec: All right, all right, you win…you win…just stop shaking the elevator!…

He drops the cell phone on the floor. Kathy picks it up.

Kathy: I always win….hummmph. (she give him a malicious smile)

Alec: Just give me a minute to recover…

Kathy: Well…hurry it up. It’s beginning to smell like the men’s room at the Tijuana Iguana-Rana on a Saturday night during Spring Break in here.

Alec: How would you know?

Kathy (glaring at him): Never mind that!

Kathy folds her arms as she watches Alec slowly get up and wipe the sweat off his brow.

Alec: All right…

Kathy: I’LL dial this time…

She dials the number and hands it to him.

Alec: What are their names?

Kathy: Claire and Johnny.

Alec: How old are they?

Kathy: Claire is…17 and Johnny is….

She thinks hard but can’t remember his age. She slaps him on the arm.

Kathy: …oh like that matters to you! Just do it!

Alec waits for the the voicemail prompt and cue.

Alec (tepidly): Hello, this is Alec Baldwin and I am leaving a message for Claire and Johnny. You guys better behave yourselves next time you visit your Aunt Kathy because if you don’t, I am going to kick your asses…

Kathy: Wait, wait, stop, stop. Hang up.

Alec: What?

Kathy: HANG UP!

Alec closes the cell phone.

Kathy: You’re not angry enough. That sounded tepid and phony. No wonder you were never nominated for an Oscar. Look, in order for this to work, you have to be just as angry as you were on that voicemail from hell. I need another supernova explosion, Alec!

Alec: All right, I’ll try again.

Kathy: Here…close your eyes.

Alec closes his eyes.

Kathy: Relax. Take a deep breath. And listen to Miss Kathy. Think about Kim. Think about your bitter divorce. Think about your acrimonious custody battle. Think of the aaaaalll the ways she has kept you from your daughter.

Alec begins to fume.

Kathy: Think of all the lying, scheming, and manipulating she has done to turn your daughter against you. Think of the book she is going to write - entitled: ‘Parental Alienation for Dummies’ - a how-to guide for primary custodial parents to turn their children against the other parent. Think of it becoming a bestseller! Think of all the scheming parents thanking her on the book tour.

Alec fumes even more.

Kathy: Think of the wretched masses of them worshiping Kim as their guru and champion. Think of this country becoming a nation of parental alienation divided along child custodial lines. Think of the millions of children being alienated from their parents and turning against their own fathers or mothers, betraying their own true feelings. Think of YOU, Alec Baldwin, being shunned from your own daughter and missing out on the precious few years you have left with her as a child…

Alec is ready to explode. Kathy hits the redial button and hands the cell phone to Alec.

Kathy: …and…ACTION!!!

Alec (building up steam): Claire and Johnny, this is Alec Baldwin. I want you two to listen to me and listen to me closely. I am sick and tired of hearing about your juvenile pranks and bad behavior. I am disgusted at how you humiliate your Aunt Kathy over and over again. ‘Cause from now, when you insult her with your goddamned crap, you are insulting me.

Kathy brims with wide-eyed excitement.

Alec: And I don’t care if you are 17 or 16 years old, or that you’re just children, ’cause if you don’t have the brains or the decency to respect your Aunt, I am going to straighten you out. Your days of making her feel like shit and a fool over and over again are over. ‘Cause if I hear one more story about you taking her car, or destroying the fountain, or…

Kathy: Chance and Pom-Pom!

Alec: …if you so much as touch a hair on Chance and Pom-Pom, I am going to let you guys know just how angry and disappointed I am that you have pulled this shit on your Aunt Kathy again. And when I get through with you, you won’t even dare dream about pulling any kind of crap on her again!

Kathy jumps up and down, clapping with frenetic glee.

Alec: So, if I hear one more story about how you guys are a thoughtless, pain in the ass to your Aunt Kathy…

Kathy: …think Kim Basinger!

Alec (fully enraged): I AM GOING TO GET ON A PLANE AND FLY OUT THERE FOR THE DAY JUST TO STRAIGHTEN YOUR ASSES OUT WHEN I SEE YOU, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME???!!! I’M GOING TO MAKE SURE YOU REALLY GET IT!!! SO THE NEXT TIME YOU GUYS PULL ANY KIND OF STUNT ON YOUR AUNT KATHY, YOU BETTER BE PREPARED TO MEET ME (going ballistic) SO I CAN PERSONALLY STRAIGHTEN YOU OUT, YOU ROTTEN, RUDE, THOUGHTLESS, LITTLE PIGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alec slams the cell phone shut and with the hand holding the cell phone, he punches the elevator wall, making a big dent in it. Kathy, breathless, looks at him with awe.

Kathy: OH!!! MY!!! GOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!!! THAT WAS SO FUCKING AWESOME!!! YOU WERE SOOO FANTASTIC!!!

Alec is still recovering from his rage. Kathy looks at him with breathless passion. She moves very close to him.

Kathy: You have no idea of how incredibly turned on I am at this moment.

Alec takes a step back from her.

Alec: …Wait…I…I think we should call the front desk.

Kathy (mesmerized): What the hell for??

Alec opens the cell phone to dial. The phone is cracked.

Alec: Oh no! I broke the phone!

Kathy takes the broken cell phone from him…

Kathy: Oh who gives a shit!

…and she tosses it behind her. She corners Alec. With both arms, she then grabs a hold of him and kisses him passionately. He succumbs to her sexual aggression.

Kathy: You complete my circuit!

She unleashes her unbridled passion on him. Suddenly, she has a thought and stops.

Kathy: Wait a minute…complete my circuit???!!! Why didn’t I think of it before???

She grabs her purse and takes out a long, silver, metallic vibrator. She holds it up and smirks at him intently.

Alec: No, no, I…I won’t enjoy receiving right now.

Kathy: This isn’t for you…at least, not yet.

She walks over to the elevator button panel, looks back at Alec and winks at him. She then plunges the vibrator into the ‘Alarm’ socket with all of her might. Sparks shoot out of the ‘Alarm’ socket and THE ELEVATOR ALARM GOES OFF!!!

Kathy: Bingo!

[MUSIC CUE: Start ABBA’s ‘Under Attack’ - click here to hear the song at Free Napster!]

She beams at him with a seductive smile. Alec walks over to her and looks at her in a new light. He pulls her tightly to him.

Alec: I love a smart…tough…resourceful woman!

Kathy grabs his crotch.

Kathy: We have wooooood!

They undress each other frantically while kissing feverishly. They fall to the elevator floor and consummate their passions. The vibrator remains in the ‘alarm’ socket with sparks shooting out of it as the elevator alarm continues to blare.

[Fade out ABBA’s ‘Under Attack’]

The end.

[Read related stories: Surprise Guest Co-Host Week On ‘The View’ Part I, II, and III - published April 11, 28, and May 4, 2007]

Kathy: I’ve used my cell phone in this friggin’ elevator before!

Alec (trying to make conversation to distract himself): When do you ever come here?

Kathy: Uh…I have my own show on Bravo??? Hello???…which is owned by this stupid network.

Kathy moves around the confined space of the elevator, trying to get a signal.

Alec: Oh I didn’t know you had your own show. That’s terrific.

Kathy: Oh stop patronizing me! You know, being on the D-List doesn’t mean I’m a total fucking loser! Not everyone can be on a hit tv show like you.

Alec: I wasn’t being patronizing…

Kathy stamps her foot, shaking the elevator.

Kathy: Damn it! Where is the fucking signal!

Alec: Take it easy.

Kathy: DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT!

Kathy stamps her foot repeatedly, shaking the elevator. Alec slides down the backwall and sits on the floor of the elevator. He grips the railing behind him.

Alec: Please, don’t do that. You are scaring the shit out of me.

Kathy: I’M scaring the shit out of YOU??? Oh that’s rich! Have you even heard yourself on that venomous voicemail???

Alec: Please don’t bring that up right now. I am really not in a good place at this moment.

Alec brings his knees to his chest and buries his head in his arms. He is bordering on tears.

Kathy (screaming and stamping her foot forcefully): COME OOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alec: STOP SHAKING THE ELEVATOR!!!

She jumps up and down on the floor of the elevator on purpose, causing it to shake even more.

Kathy: Oh you think I am going to make this elevator fall? Yeah, that’s right. If I jump hard enough, I just might snap the steel cables and cause us to plummet down 59 floors to our deaths!!!

Alec starts crying.

Alec: No, please, stop, I don’t want us to fall!

Kathy: You’re not so tough now are you, Mr. Cell-Phone Terrorist! Not the guy I heard threatening to straighten people out!

Alec (wimpering): Please, stop…

Kathy slams shut her cell phone and sticks it in her pocket.

Kathy: I’m not getting a signal on this friggin thing! We’re just going to have sit here until someone realizes this elevator is out of commission.

Resigned and frustrated, she sits down on the elevator floor next to Alec.

Kathy: And judging from the looks of those goons manning the front desk downstairs, we are going to be here for a long time. And I’m totally going to miss the show! Crap!

Alec wimpers.

Kathy: Oh stop crying, you big sissy! You’re more pathetic than my ex-husband when I told him I was going to sue his ass for the $72,000 he stole from me.

Kathy closes her eyes and drifts away to slumber. Alec cries himself to sleep.

About an hour later, Alec and Kathy are both asleep on the floor of the elevator. Alec wakes up. He is sweating profusely. He nudges at Kathy.

Alec: Kathy.

Kathy is mumbling in her sleep - she’s in the middle of a dream.

Kathy (mumbling): …Oprah’s totally gay…well, she’s from another planet…Planet Sapphos…all lesbians there…

Alec: …Kathy!

Kathy (mumbling): …and it’s really clean…lesbians are soooo clean…oh how the hell do I know how they procreate!…

Alec (shaking her shoulder): …KATHY!

Kathy bolts right up.

Kathy: What???!!!

For a moment, she doesn’t recognize where she is.

Kathy: Where the fuck am I? How many minutes ’til I go on?

Alec: You’re still here in the elevator.

She turns and sees Alec.

Kathy: Aw geeze, I’m still in this hell-hole with you???

Alec: It’s really hot in here. I was thinking maybe you can open the hatch up top.

Kathy lies back down and closes her eyes.

Kathy: Oh you’re such a typical man. Open it yourself!

Alec: Well, it’s too high - I can’t reach it. I was thinking I can give you a boost up.

Kathy: Deal with it!

Alec: And maybe with the hatch open, you can get a cell phone signal up there.

Kathy opens her eyes and bolts back up.

Kathy: Suddenly Susan! Now why didn’t I think of that???

She looks at her watch.

Kathy: Oh well, it’s too late for me to make the show, but what the hell, anything to get a man to look up my dress.

She stands up and kicks off her high heels.

Kathy (motioning to him): All right, come on.

Alec kneels and boosts her up towards the ceiling of the elevator. With Alec hoisting her up, she pulls a latch and pushes open the top hatch. She swings it open and lets it fall over onto the top of the elevator. A cool breeze descends upon them. She looks around the dark elevator shaft.

Alec: You’re doing great.

Kathy: But how do I look from down there???

She winks at him, lifts up her skirt a bit, clicks her teeth, and gives him a quick leer. He grins at her sheepishly.

Kathy: Humph, no one EVER takes advantage of Miss Kathy, damn it! (She sighs in disappointment) All right, let me try this thing again.

She takes the cell phone out of her pocket and flips it open. She moves it around.

Kathy: Shit! There’s still no signal!

Alec: Are you sure?

Kathy gives him a look.

Kathy (indignantly): YES I AM SURE!!! You think I need a fucking PhD to read cell phone signals???

She keeps moving the phone all around the space above the roof of the elevator.

Alec: Damn!

Kathy: Hey, what’s this?

She sees something taped to the roof of the elevator.

Alec: What’s what?

She removes a black electronic unit taped to the roof of the elevator near the edge of the hatch.

Kathy: Let me down.

Alec sets her down. She removes the duct tape from the black electronic unit.

Kathy: What is this?

Alec takes the unit and examines it.

Alec: That’s a cell phone jammer!

Kathy: How do you know?

Alec: ‘Cause I carry one just like it.

He takes an identical unit out of his pocket.

Alec: I have mine turned off, of course.

Kathy: Huh! Why would anyone put this on the roof of this elevator??? WHAT IS GOING ON HERE???!!!

Alec: I don’t know but this is very suspicious…

Kathy: NO! YOU THINK???!!! This is a TOTAL FUCKING CONSPIRACY!!! Kim is trying to kill you and I am just collateral damage! I bet she’s up there right now sawing the cables!

She looks up at the elevator shaft through the hatch.

Kathy (shouting up at the elevator shaft): Hey Kim! KIM!!! I know you’re up there! You better not be cutting any cables! ‘Cause if I die, I will totally haunt your skinny bitch ass! I’LL POSSESS YOU! And make the Linda Blair-look your total fucking style signature! (A short gasp as another idea comes to her) I’ll make you blow Larry King! I will! I swear to God I will! And by the way, I want my money back for ‘Cellular’ - that movie TOTALLY SUCKED! You haven’t done a decent film since L.A. Confidential! And your Oscar win was soooo bogus! You know they just voted for your hair! (to herself) Ugh, that role was soooo mine. God, I totally wanted to fuck Russell Crowe.

Alec (thinking): You said Donald Trump arranged to meet with you and didn’t show up?

Kathy: Yeah, so?

Alec: Well…what if he was behind all this?

Kathy thinks hard for a moment.

Kathy: Hmmmm…Donald Trump wants me dead? That’s sooo not cool!

Alec: Maybe not dead. Maybe he is just trying to keep you from something.

Kathy retraces her morning.

Kathy: ‘The View’!!! He is trying to keep me from co-hosting ‘The View’ for some reason! Hmmmm…I bet it has something to do with Rosie. You know, this feud between them is just SUCKING EVERYBODY IN!!! First Joy Behar, then Barbara Walters, and now me! (she puts on her Al Pacino impression) “Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!”…(back to herself)…which makes me kind of important…(squinting out a new thought)…hmmmmmmmmm…I like it.

Alec: All right, all right. But we have to get out of here now.

He shuts off the cell phone jammer.

Alec: Try the phone now.

Kathy flips open the cell phone and her face lights up.

Kathy: Like what they say right before another take on a porno shoot - WE HAVE WOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!

Kathy dials and holds the phone to her ear. Suddenly, she has a change of thought, and snaps her cell phone shut.

Alec: What’s the matter?

Kathy: I must be out of my mind. This is a chance of a lifetime staring at me right in the face.

Alec: What do you mean?

Kathy (folding her arms): Before I call the front desk goons and tell them that we’re stuck up here, I want you to do a favor for me.

Alec: What?

Kathy arches her eyebrows and smirks at him.

(to be continued)…

[Read related stories: Surprise Guest Co-Host Week On ‘The View’ Part I, II, and III - published April 11, 28, and May 4, 2007]

Alec Baldwin is riding down on an elevator in the NBC 30 Rockefeller Center building. Just moments earlier, he had stormed out of a meeting with NBC executives over his contract. The elevator stops on an upper-floor and Kathy Griffin walks in. She immediately recognizes Alec. The elevator door closes behind her and they are alone in the elevator.

Kathy: Oh my God! It’s you! Everyone is talking about you!

Alec ignores her and stares straight ahead.

Kathy (gasps): Like you’re just going to ignore me???

Alec closes his eyes and does deep breathing.

Kathy: This is sooo you! You’re about to explode aren’t you? (her eyes widen with excitement) I know you totally are - your temper is legendary! This is sooo great!

She clasps her hand in excitement.

Alec: Lady, I am about to enter the zone of no self-control and if you don’t leave me alone, I am going to totally lose my shit on you. SO BACK OFF OK???!!!

Kathy: Lady??? You don’t recognize me, do you? Don’t you know who I am???

Alec: No, and I don’t care…

The elevator suddenly stops moving.

Alec: Whoa…what’s happening here?

He looks up at the floor indicator and they have stopped on the 59th floor but the doors remain closed. He presses the ground floor button repeatedly but nothing happens.

Kathy: I’M KATHY GRIFFIN!!!

Alec doesn’t react. He gives her a quick glance and goes back to fidgeting with the elevator buttons.

Alec: Oh yeah, I’ve heard of you. You’re that crazy comedienne that makes her living dissing everyone else.

Kathy: Hmmmmmm…that’s a VERY accurate description of me actually. But enough about me, let’s talk about you! The entire world is talking about that awful, horrible, disgusting voicemail!

Alec: I would love to, but in case you haven’t noticed, this elevator is stuck on the 59th floor.

Kathy (oblivious to what’s happening): God, it’s like the voicemail heard around the world! And I can’t believe, at this VERY moment, Miss Kathy is in the elevator with Alec Baldwin, in the middle of all this controversy, in the eye of the hurricane - IT’S LIKE BEING AT GROUND ZERO!!!

She raises her arms out in proclamation and then clasps her hands in glee.

Alec: Hey congratulations, I’m really happy for you, but THIS ELEVATOR IS STUCK NEAR THE TOP OF A 70-STORY HIGH-RISE BUILDING OR HAVEN’T YOU NOTICED!!!

He smacks the elevator button panel with his hand.

Kathy: It is?

She looks at the floor indicator and presses the elevator buttons.

Kathy: Well, just call the lobby and tell them…there must be a phone or intercom in here.

They both look for an intercom or phone.

Alec: I don’t see any.

Kathy: Ok, there is always an alarm button in an elevator. We just have to find it and press it to let them know that we’re stuck.

They both look for an alarm button.

Kathy: Miss Kathy knows alllll about pushing people’s buttons…especially ones that are alarming. Oh, here it is…

Alec reaches for it. Kathy gasps at their discovery.

Kathy: There’s no alarm button! It says ‘Alarm’ here, BUT THE BUTTON IS MISSING!

Alec: It looks like someone took out the button on purpose!

Kathy: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! Why would anyone do that? Does Kim know that you were going to be here today?

Alec: Don’t be ridiculous. She’s evil but not THAT evil.

Alec sticks his hand into the socket.

Kathy: DON’T STICK YOUR FINGER IN THERE! YOU COULD GET ELECTROCUTED!

Kathy tries to pull his finger out of the socket but Alec rudely pushes her away.

Alec: I’m touched by your concern but I want to get the hell outta here!

Kathy: Don’t flatter yourself. I just want more material for my act before you get fried!

Alec presses the socket with his finger vigorously but to no avail.

Kathy: Let me try. My finger is smaller. Plus, since my divorce, I have had a lot of practice doing this…

She thrusts her finger into the socket repeatedly but no alarm goes off.

Alec: Oh great. Just great. We could be stuck in here for hours!

He loosens his collar button. Beads of sweat are forming on his forehead.

Kathy: This is not good…

She looks at her watch and frets.

Kathy: …ooohhhhh, and I have to do ‘The View’ in about an hour!

Alec: What?!

Kathy: It’s Surprise Guest Co-Host Week at ‘The View’ and I am supposed to be the first surprise guest co-host!

Alec: So what are you doing in this building?

Kathy (takes a deep breath): You are not going to believe this but Donald Trump called me yesterday. Somehow, he knew that I was going to co-host ‘The View’ today and he said he had a gift for Rosie. And he wanted me to hand it to her live, on the air…not that I was going to do it…well, maybe…

Alec: You trust that guy?

Kathy: Well, no, but anyone who knows me knows that I am a sucker for anything sensationalistic and this kind of stuff is just a GOLDMINE for my act.

Alec: So what was the gift?

Kathy: The jerko never showed up! I waited around for almost an hour and he never showed up!

Alec: Serves you right.

Kathy: Now, I am going to miss the show and Barbara Walters will REALLY ban me from ‘The View’ for this!

Alec unbuttons his top shirt buttons and begins to hyperventilate.

Alec: It’s getting hot in here.

Kathy (oblivious to Alec) : And if you screw up Barbara’s show, that’s IT for you. She will make sure you are banned, not only from her show, but from ALL the talk shows! Ohhhhhhhh yeah, she is THAT powerful, vicious, and vindictive! I mean, she is tight with Regis, Letterman, Leno, Martha, Oprah…well, maybe not with Oprah, but Oprah already hates me…ever since I said in my act that she and Gayle are secret lesbo lovers and that Stedman is totally queer…

Alec hyperventilates even more. Kathy finally notices it.

Kathy: Hey, are you ok? Oh my God, you’re claustrophobic, aren’t you???

Alec can’t answer her but continues to hyperventilate. He steps back and presses himself against the backwall of the elevator. He grapples the wall with his sweaty palms.

Kathy: Why…Jumpin’ Jehovah’s Witness! Alec Baldwin is afraid of confined spaces! This is soooo interesting! Alec can be a total terrorist on the cell phone but put Alec in a small, confined space and he just shrivels up like my grandma’s ovaries. I love discovering people’s weaknesses - JUST LOVE IT!!!

Alec: Please…you have to get us outta here…

Kathy: Oh this is going to be sooo great for my act! Coming here wasn’t a complete waste of time after all!

Kathy revels about her little triumphant discovery for a moment, ignoring Alec’s state.

Kathy: Wait a minute! Are we totally stupid or what??? Oh Alec, Alec, Alec. Miss Kathy knows how to get us out of here!

Alec: …how….HOW…?

Kathy: Alec, what is your favorite communication device?…well, maybe not such a favorite lately…(she snickers)

Alec: Cell phone!

Kathy: BINGOOOOOO!

Alec reaches for his pockets.

Alec: Oh no! I forgot I threw mine away! I was so upset about the voicemail being released that I just chucked it into the East River.

Kathy: Another gem of information! This just gets better and better. But not to worry - Miss Kathy has hers!

Kathy reaches into her purse and takes out her cell phone.

Alec: Oh, thank God. Thank God!

Kathy winks at him as she flips open her cell phone.

Kathy: Oh no.

Alec: What?

Kathy moves around the elevator, holding the cell phone at arm’s distance.

Kathy: I am not getting a signal!

Alec: Are you sure?!

She tries another location in the elevator.

Kathy: Not one single, solitary damn bar!!!

Alec: Oh dear God…

Alec begins to hyperventilate even more.

(to be continued)…

[Read related stories: Surprise Guest Co-Host Week On ‘The View’ Part I, II, and III - published April 11, 28, and May 4, 2007]

Rosie: All right (looking down at her ‘hot topics’ cards), let’s see what’s going on…ummmm…(she quickly switches the cards)…uuuuhh….(reading down the list of topics, she switches the cards again)…nailgun injuries…thousands of people injured each year from nailguns. What do you think?

Joy: What??? Wait a minute…

Elisabeth: That’s the first hot topic for today???

Joy: Weren’t we supposed to talk about…

Rosie (interrupting): NAILGUN INJURIES! They’re terrible aren’t they? And so preventable.

Joy and Elisabeth look at Rosie and then exchange a puzzled look.

Joy: Yeah, well…just don’t use it…DUUUUH!

Melanie: Oh Ah didn’t know there was such a tool. Ah used to use those glue-on nails, you know, those thangs you press awn your existin’ nails, but they just never really worked fo me - they just kept fallin’ awf. Now if Ah’da known they had a gun to help you glue those suckers awn, Ah would have used it. But, Ah swear Ah am so clumsy sometimes (laughing)…Ah just know Ah would have been one of the statistics and injured mahself.

Rosie: Maaaaa! I am not talking about finger…oh, never mind…

Joy: Just go to the next hot topic…

Rosie (looking down at her cards, flipping them over and perusing the back): Uhhhhhh…Spring time allergies.

Pause. Joy looks at Rosie with perplexed annoyance.

Joy: What about’em?

Rosie: They’re pretty bad this year, aren’t they?

Joy: Yeah, they’re bad every year…so?

Rosie: Elisabeth??

Elisabeth: Uh…yeah…they’re pretty bad this year, Rosie…(uncertain of what’s going on)…

Melanie: You know the weirdest thang is…Ah have allergies…and anyone who knows me knows how Ah suffer and suffer every Spring and Fall…but when Ah go to the Carribean, they disappear…and it’s like God decided to give me back mah nose…

Joy: Wait a minute…let me see those cards.

Joy tries to snatch the hot topics cards from Rosie’s hands but Rosie resists.

Rosie: Joy, I am the moderator!…and I decide what we can discuss…

Joy yanks the cards from her tight grasp.

Joy: Give me those!

She reads the top card.

Joy: I knew it…we are supposed to talk about prisoner torture at Guantanamo and Abu Ghraib first!

Elisabeth: That’s right, we planned it this morning.

Melanie: Oh Rosie, are you being shy about talkin’ politics with me?

Rosie: Uh…no…

Melanie: Then let’s awl dig right in…it’d be just like our family git-togethers awn Thanksgivin’! Now Ah don’t see why we couldn’t administer a little torture to git some information outta these people.

Joy: Ever heard of the Geneva Convention? It’s against international law!

Elisabeth: But the information we extract from these terrorists can potentially save hundreds, if not, thousands of lives.

Rosie: Elisabeth, most of the people in these prisons aren’t terrorists! And we have seen cases where innocent people were tortured.

Elisabeth: I don’t believe these people are so innocent. And if we can extract just one potent information about a planned terrorist strike, then the torture would be justified.

Rosie: You are willing to let hundreds of innocent people be tortured?

Elisabeth: Yes, if it can potentially save lives…

Rosie: But it’s a known fact that information extracted during torture is unreliable. Tortured prisoners will say anything to…

Melanie: Oh Rosie, do you know how hard it is to git men to tawk??? Ah mean, how else are we supposed to git any kind of information outta them if it’s not about football, basketball, or wrestlin’. Ah mean, Ah swear sometimes Ah wish Ah had an electric cattle prod to use around the house just to get mah husband, Joel, to say anythin’ other than a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ or ‘huh?’. It’s like awl the men are workin’ fo the FBI or CIA and can’t divulge State secrets! But Ah do have a cousin on mah mother’s side who works at Langley and ironically, he tawks and tawks and tawks and doesn’t know whin to shut up…but we awl kinda suspect he is a closet homosexual…you know he TIVOs ‘The View’ and ‘Oprah’ everyday (laughing)…Oh! Ah don’t think Ah should have said that on national television…his wife Rita is goin’ ta kill me…

Rosie: And I would totally support her position…

Melanie: Well Rosie, Ah’m just tryin’ to be honest about family…

Rosie: Ma, stay on topic!

Joy: Our torture of prisoners has really damaged our reputation all over the world. Do you remember when pictures of prison torture at Abu Ghraib were released? There was such a backlash against Americans and that incident alone created more terrorists and hatred against us…

Elisabeth: But that was just the work of a few renegade soldiers who took matters into their own hands…

Rosie: Oh Elisabeth, do you really believe that torture at the Abu Ghraib prison was solely the work of these soldiers? The torture was ordered by the Bush Administration cronies…

Elisabeth: I don’t believe that. I think the soldiers took it upon themselves to interpret the orders in their own twisted way…

Rosie: Elisabeth, the military follows orders!!! That’s what they do and these orders sanctioning torture came from the higher chains of command, all the way up to George, Dick, and Karl!

Elisabeth: I read the order and it didn’t say anything about putting prisoners into sexual positions and degrading them…

Rosie: These soldiers would never do anything without authorization…

Melanie (gasps and cuts Rosie off): OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH Rosie, that reminds me, do you remember this past Thanksgivin’ when you refuse to answer mah question?

Rosie: What question?

Melanie (smiles): The question about…you know…mmmm hmmm…and Ah tried to git you spill the beans by ticklin’ ya…

Rosie: All right, moving on, next hot topic: Should children under five be allowed to go on the Internet? Elisabeth, take it!

Joy (to Melanie): Wait…what was the question?

Rosie: Stay outta this Joy!

Melanie: Oh come awn Rosie. This question has been on mah mind ever since and Ah just can’t figure it out. But you wouldn’t answer me no matter how much Ah tickled ya. OW!!! Stop kickin’ me under the table, Rosie…mah shins are very sensitive. It’s not like people can’t see you kickin’ me…it’s a glass table for God’s sake. Now maybe this is the only way AH can git you to answer me.

Rosie: No, Ma! Please no!!!

Melanie (to the audience): Do you awl wanna know what the question was???

The audience claps.

Rosie: Oh dear Lord, please help me. (on the verge of tears)

Melanie: Ah asked her how in the world do lesbians have sex? Ah just don’t understand how that would work. The equipment is just awl wrong…it just don’t fit. Ah mean, there is nothin’ to fit, if you know what Ah mean. (She winks at the audience and giggles)

Rosie (shaking her head): I won’t have this. I am not having my mother-in-law ask me about how lesbians have sex on LIVE national television…

Melanie: Now if it were between two men, Ah can sort of understand how that would work. They have a couple of thangs they can work with and they can sort of make do and improvise…

Rosie (at the top of her lungs): I AM NOT GOING TO DISCUSS THE MECHANICS OF LESBIAN SEX ON LIVE NATIONAL TELEVISION WITH MAH MOTHER-IN-LAW!!! END OF DISCUSSION, MA!!! NEXT HOT TOPIC!!!

Melanie: But two women?? Ah mean the only way Ah think it could possibly work is if there was some kind of toy involved…

She lets out a deep, long gasp.

Melanie: Is that how it is done???!!!…Usin’ some kind of equipment???!!!

Joy: Learn how to accessorize and the world is your oyster!

Elisabeth: Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!

The audience laughs. Rosie covers her ears and screams.

Rosie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At this point, Bill Geddie, one of the executive producers, runs out of the stage entrance. He is followed by Barbara Walters, who is tied up with rope and gagged. She hops out of the entrance, as her legs are still tied. They are flanked by two security guards.

Bill: SHE’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THE SURPRISE GUEST CO-HOST!!! IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE KATHY GRIFFIN!!! BARBARA AND I WERE KNOCKED UNCONSCIOUS AND TIED UP ALL MORNING!!! AND GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT HAPPENED TO KATHY GRIFFIN!!! WE HAVE A STUDIO SECURITY BREACH!!! WE’RE LOCKING DOWN THE ENTIRE STUDIO!!!

Melanie: What??? But Ah was contacted by one of your producers…

Bill (walking up to her): WHO??? WHO CONTACTED YOU???!!!

Melanie: This woman with a strange European accent. Ah think she said her name was ‘MELANIA’.

Rosie (coming to an awful realization): WHAT DID YOU SAY HER NAME WAS???!!!

At this point, everyone turns to see a gray-haired man in the audience laughing hysterically but trying to keep it under wraps. Rosie looks closely at him.

Rosie: Wait a minute. I know that face!

The man stops laughing and freezes. Rosie runs up to him and pulls off his gray wig. The man stands up defiantly. Everyone gasps! IT’S DONALD TRUMP!!!

Donald: I GOT YOU GOOD, MY FAT, LITTLE ROSIE!!!

Rosie (enraged): YOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUU BASTAAAAAAAAAAAAARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[MUSIC CUE: Start ABBA’s ‘Waterloo’ - click here to hear the song at Free Napster!]

Rosie lunges at him but Donald jumps out of her way and climbs over the other audience members to escape. Rosie pursues him, toppling everyone along the way. Audience members scream as they run out of the way of the feverish pursuit.

Rosie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Donald: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Barbara Walters, still tied up and wriggling under the ropes, manages to spit out her gag. She jumps up and down, hoping to catch someone’s attention.

Barbara: WILL SOMEBODY PLEEEEEEEEEEASE UNTIE ME!!!!!!

No one hears her as everyone watches Rosie chasing Donald all over the audience seats. People are running and screaming all over the set - it’s pure pandemonium. Donald throws chairs into Rosie’s path as she pursues him. Rosie tries to cut him off by taking an alternate path but Donald doubles back. Finally, Rosie runs to the top tier of seats and makes a giant leap off of it.

Rosie: KAMIKAZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She lands right smack on Donald’s head and crushes him under her weight. Sitting on top of him, she pulls off yet another wig, revealing a completely bald Donald. She holds up the wig triumphantly.

Rosie: I KNEW IT!!! I KNEW IT!!! I KNEW IT WAS A WIG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rosie tosses the wig. [Fade out ABBA’s ‘Waterloo’]

Rosie (speaking to one of the cameras): Put me on camera!

She then lifts her hand up in a grand gesture.

Rosie: THIS IS FOR CALLING ME FAT!!!

She swoops her hand down and smacks Donald on one side of the head.

Donald: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rosie: THIS IS FOR CALLING ME UGLY!!!

She smacks the other side of his head.

Donald: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rosie makes a fist and brings it back.

Rosie: AND THIS IS FOR INSULTING ALL THE WOMEN IN AMERICA WITH YOUR MISOGYNY!!!

She slugs him right between the eyes.

Donald: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Donald cranes his neck and bites Rosie on the leg.

Rosie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

[Restart ABBA’s ‘Waterloo’] She turns and tries to choke Donald, who in turn, bites her even harder. The two security guards, along with Bill, Joy, Elisabeth, Melanie run up to them and try to pull them apart but without much success.

Rosie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! YOU BASTARD!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bill: GO TO COMMERCIAL!!! GO TO COMMERCIAL!!!

Rosie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The End. [Fade out ABBA’s ‘Waterloo’]

‘The View’ goes to commercial and Rosie is still standing, staring at her mother-in-law Melanie in disbelief.

Rosie: Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! What are you doing here??!!

Melanie: Don’t act too surprised or you’ll offend my Southern sensibilities.

Rosie: Well, Ma, I…

Rosie takes her seat.

Melanie: Ah’m not feelin’ the hospitality Rosie!

Rosie: …I love to have you co-host but this is a big shock you know. I need to be mentally prepared for something like this.

Melanie: Ah don’t know what you mean by ‘mentally prepared’ fo me…that sounds kind of offensive and un-Southern.

Rosie: Oh Ma, you know I love ya but come on - springing my mother-in-law on me on live national TV ain’t something most daughter-in-laws in America have to deal with on a regular basis, you know.

Melanie: Well, Ah don’t care. They asked me to co-host and Ah couldn’t be more excited!

Melanie squeals in sheer delight and claps with unbridled excitement.

Rosie: Oy!

Melanie: So, what’s on the agenda for ‘hot topics’?

Rosie: Uh…didn’t they prep you?

Melanie: Noooo, Ah just barely arrived in time. Ah had to get my hair done at the salon.

Rosie: Ma, we have hair stylists here, didn’t they tell you?!

Melanie: Oh, they don’t know nothin’ bout Southern hair and stylin’! Ah wanted to find my own and she took forever, but she did a great job didn’t she??

Melanie turns her head for all the ladies to see.

Elisabeth: It looks great.

Joy nods in agreement.

Rosie: Aye ya ya ya ya ya.

Melanie: Oh Elisabeth, thank you sweetheart.

She reaches out and holds Elisabeth’s hand.

Melanie: You know, when thangs get heated during ‘hot topics’, you can count on me…

Elisabeth: What?

Melanie: You know…

She winks at Elisabeth. Elisabeth looks at her, a little dumbfounded, and then looks nervously at Rosie. Rosie puts her head down on the table.

Elisabeth: Oh….uh…well…you should just speak your mind…(laughing nervously).

Melanie: Oh, don’t you worry honey, AH WILLLLL!

Melanie lets out a little squeal.

Rosie (mumbling): …and this too shall pass.

A few moments later, the Stage Manager announces they are coming back from commercial.

Stage Manager: And we’re back live, in five, four, three, two,…

He cues Rosie.

Rosie: Hi, and we are back live on ‘The View’. Oh, wait a minute, let me get this…

She pretends to take a knife out of her back and hands it towards the camera…

Rosie (to the camera): Ugh….here’s your knife Barbara Walters.

The audience chuckles.

Rosie: All right, let’s welcome to ‘The View’, all the way from Baton Rouge, Louisiana…our surprise co-host for today…and my mother-in-law….Melanie Safer.

The audience applauds.

Melanie: Hi y’awll!!! Ah just want start off by saying that ah am soooo happy and tickled to death about being here. Ah’ve watched these gals for ever so long…and Ah can hardly believe Ah’m finally here on one of mah favorite shows, and sitting right alongside mah daughter-in-law, whom Ah just love to death.

She reaches over the Rosie and hugs her.

Rosie: Well I love you too Ma, but do remember you are a Republican, so no touchy-feely.

Melanie: Oh you just stop that.

Elisabeth: Oh that is so wrong, Rosie.

Rosie: Just kidding Elisabeth. Just kidding folks. I need all the sense of humor I can muster to get through these next 50 minutes, all right??? So bear with me. All right…

Melanie: You know, yesterday Ah found this old recipe for barbeque chicken that mah mama had for ever so long, but Ah just plain forgot the ingredients. That was one of the most amazing stroke of luck Ah ever had cause Ah was just rifling through this old trunk, lookin’ at mah old weddin’ dress, and wonderin’ if Ah could ever fit in it again when Ah saw tucked into the side pockets of the inside walls of the trunk, these old, old sheets of paper…

Rosie looks intently into the camera.

Melanie: …that Ah had just plain forgot about. Ah had stuffed these papers into these pockets when mah mama died ’cause Ah sure didn’t want to lose these ole family recipes. Ah mean don’t you folks (to the audience) forgit a lot of secret hidin’ places…?

Joy: And they say I can’t segway to another topic very well.

Melanie: …Ah mean, mah memory is just gettin’ worse and worse, as the years go awn, and personally (to the co-hosts), Ah think y’awll should do a show on memory loss and agin’, and awll the thangs you can do to improve yo memory…’cause there is just nothin’ worse than losin’ yo memory…it’s like losin’ parts of ya life!!!….oh mah God, Ah hope this is not the beginning of Alzheimer’s….

Joy and Elisabeth exchange looks of perplexed amusement. Rosie looks exasperated.

Melanie: …’cause Ah did have a great uncle…on mah mama’s side of the family…that was lawst to Alzheimer’s…but you know in those days they didn’t even know what it was…I didn’t even know mahself ’til Oprah told me…and Ah was like…oh mah Lord, that was just like my great uncle Henry…

Rosie: Maaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!! STOP!!!!! Wha…wha…wha….where….who…..how….when…..WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM???!!! How the heck did we get on these topics???!!!

Melanie: Well, Rosie, Ah’m just speakin’ mah mind, as Elisabeth suggested.

Rosie: But Ma, Ah am the…(stopping herself from falling into a southern accent)…I am the moderator, or have you forgotten? And I will tell you if and when we are going to tawk…talk….about barbeque chicken, old family recipes, secret hiding places, memory loss, aging, Alzheimer’s, your great uncle Henry or Oprah, OK???

Melanie: Oh, aw right (a bit miffed)…if you wanna be such a stickler ta formality. Ugh, so Yankee. Well, Ah’m sawree if Ah jumped the gun, Rosie sweetie.

Rosie: It’s OK Ma. I understand. It’s your first time.

Joy: You know, that stream of consciousness made total sense to me…from A to Z…right? Didn’t you awl get it? (directing question to the audience in a slight southern drawl; the audience claps in response; Melanie is delighted and feels a bit triumphant.)

Rosie: Aye ya ya ya, it’s like Thanksgiving in Baton Rouge all over again….

(to be continued)…

‘The View’ begins and the three regular co-hosts, Rosie, Joy, and Elisabeth, walk onto the set, waving at the crowd. Rosie halts and does her usual ‘feigned surprise’ routine and Joy walks into her, obviously a bit annoyed with that fake ritual. The ladies take their usual seats, leaving one seat empty between Rosie and Joy.

Rosie: Hi everybody. Welcome to ‘The View.’ It is Monday, April 9th. Hi ladies, how are ya, hope you had a nice weekend. Well, it’s ‘Surprise Guest Co-Host Week’…

Joy (interrupting): Wait a minute, before you begin. Can I just ask you why you always act surprised at the audience reaction every time you walk out? I mean, don’t you know there is an audience out here?? Or were you expecting a hot fudge sundae???

Rosie: Well, or course I know there is an audience out here Joy, but the clapping and the cheering is just…exhilarating…and it’s new and different to me every time.

The audience claps.

Rosie: And I just think: “What? All this for little ol’me???”

Joy: Well, it’s getting kind of old.

Rosie: Well, Joy, so is the botox around your eyes. When is your next visit?

The audience goes ‘oooooooooooo.’ Joy opens her mouth in exaggerated shock.

Rosie: Just kidding. Just kidding. You know I love you Joy.

Joy looks annoyed but feigns a smile.

Joy: Oh it’s SO like you to think the applause is just for you. What are we (indicating to Elisabeth), production assistants??

Joy raises her eyebrows and rolls her eyes. Elisabeth laughs nervously. Rosie looks at her and then looks into the camera. She takes a beat.

Rosie: One minute into the show and we already have another celebrity feud, ladies and gentlemen!

Everyone laughs off the tension.

Elisabeth: Ding! Back to your corners lately, ladies.

Rosie: Anyway, as I was saying, before I was rudely interrupted (looking devilishly askance at Joy), this is ‘Surprise Guest Co-Host’ week on ‘The View’,…and we are going to have a different surprise guest co-host every day this week. Frankly, I am very excited about this.

Joy: You know who they are?

Rosie: No, I have no idea who they are. Only Barbara Walters and Bill Geddie, our executive producers, know their identities and they both have been guarding them all month long like State secrets. And when I tried to bribe Barbara with a cookie, she still wouldn’t tell me, imagine that! But it’s just as well, cause it’s hard for me to keep anything secret for much longer than a couple of days…heehee. But aren’t you excited about who they could be?

Joy: No, no, no, I don’t like surprises. When I come in each day, I like to know who is going to guest co-host. I want to know who the heck they are, what have they done, what are they promoting or why haven’t they worked for in the last five years, who they had to sleep with to get on this show, and was it with Barbara Walters? (the audience laughs), etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

Elisabeth (giggling): Oh my God, the image I just had in my head!

Rosie (laughing): Oh Joy, I guess you will be even grumpier than usual this week!

Joy acts offended.

Joy: What??

Rosie: Just kiddin’…hehe.

Joy: I don’t know what you are talking about!…(feigning grumpiness, she smacks the table with her hand)…Damn it! (she laughs at herself)

Elisabeth: Ding! Celebrity fight number two!

Elisabeth laughs at her own joke but no one else is laughing. Rosie and Joy look at her humorlessly for a moment and turn back to each other.

Joy: Yeah well, you wouldn’t be too excited about surprises if one of the guest co-hosts turns out to be Ann Coulter???

Rosie: Oh Barbara wouldn’t do that to us.

Joy: Oh wouldn’t she?! That girl would do anything for ratings.

Rosie: Then I would walk right off the set.

Elisabeth: Oh, come on, that’s extreme.

Joy: Oh great. So you’d leave me here to deal with that skinny bitch with this Neo-Con here (gesturing to Elisabeth). No excuse me, skinny, DERANGED bitch.

Elisabeth: Well, I am no fan of Ann Coulter either.

Rosie: Well, you can certainly take her on Joy. Or you can walk off the set with me.

Joy: Somehow, I don’t think the two of us walking off the set at the beginning of our live broadcast is going to go well with Barbara Walters.

Rosie: I know, she’d cancel our sponsorship agreement with Keebler and there goes my free cookies.

Joy: That would not be good for you.

Rosie: All right, with that said, let’s bring on the surprise guest co-host of the day.

The ladies stand and turn to look towards the entrance to the stage. Melanie, Rosie’s mother-in-law, walks out, smiling and waving at the audience. She turns and waves at Rosie, who is in complete utter shock. Joy and Elisabeth are clapping and laughing hysterically.

Rosie: OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT’S MY MOTHER-IN-LAW, MELANIE SAFER!!!

Melanie walks onto the stage, greets Elisabeth and Joy, and opens her arms to Rosie, who is immobilized from the shock. She hugs Rosie and takes a seat. Joy and Elisabeth take their seats too, leaving Rosie standing alone, aghast. She looks into the camera.

Rosie: Barbara Walters…I will get you for this.

The other ladies and the audience laugh and clap.

(to be continued)…

Brad is plunked down on the couch, exhausted from an entire day spent taking care of the kids. Angelina walks into the room, holding official papers.

Angelina: Hi baby.

Brad opens his eyes and observes her as she walks to the desk to file the papers.

Brad: Where’ve you been??!!

Angelina: You know where I’ve been - down at the agency doing all the paperwork for the next kid.

Brad groans.

Brad: Oh no baby, please no, not another one right away, we just got this one…can’t we get him a little time to adjust before we throw another one into the pot?

Angelina slams shut the drawer and walks over to couch, towering over Brad.

Angelina: I told you, I want each child to have a respective playmate of the same race.

Brad: Yeah but what’s wrong with the kids playing across racial lines??

Angelina: Nothing, but I just want a pair of each race? Is that so wrong?

Brad: This is not like shopping at Saks where you’re getting matching shoes and purse, ok?

Angelina puts her hands on her hips.

Angelina: Is that what you think this is about???…getting matched sets like matching salt and pepper shakers??

Brad: Uh….no…?

Angelina: This is about them finding racial identity and confirmation within their own family. Haven’t you absorbed anything Dr. Weinstein told us??

Brad: Mmmmm…yeah…I guess…Dr. Quack knows best… But honey, we have four babies already…and I am already exhausted from them….so tired…

Angelina: Look, you knew from the get-go that I wanted a lot of kids. I told you right from the start. And you said you wanted a lot of them too and were more than ready.

Brad: But all at once?? Can’t we wait until at least one of them goes to college before getting another one?

Angelina: I’m not getting younger, and neither are you. I want all my kids now before my tits starts dragging on the floor…Now if you are not committed to this 100% or you’re having second thoughts, just let us know now, and we can all leave you to your freedom…

Brad: All right, all right, all right, all right, all right….just stop yelling at me.

She walks back to the desk, on the other side of the room, and begins to fidget with the papers. Brad sighs, giving up.

Angelina (muttering): ….cause we all know about your committment issues and change-of-heart incidents…

Brad: What’s that??

Angelina: Nothing.

Brad: I heard somethin’.

Pause. Awkward silence.

Angelina: I was offered a starring role in an Edward Zwick project for the fall.

Brad: What??!! No, you can’t…cause I was just offered the lead in a Soderbergh political thriller.

Angelina: When? You didn’t tell me.

Brad: Last week.

Angelina: But you didn’t tell me!

Brad: I didn’t have time..and with you traveling all over world..and the kids…the diapers…the feeding…

Angelina: Look, it doesn’t matter. It’s my turn to work. You just wrapped a film!

Brad: But baby, this picture is going to win me the Oscar!

Angelina: Oscar??!!! OSCAR???!!!! You think that’s more important than taking care of your kids???

Brad: No..but…hey, you already won one…can’t you just cut me a brake? This is the role of a lifetime!

Angelina: Brad, we already agreed we’d take turns doing movies and taking care of the kids. You just wrapped a shoot…so it’s now YOUR TURN TO STAY HOME WITH THE KIDS. END OF DISCUSSION!

She storms off to the bathroom

Brad (muttering to himself): Damn….things were much easier with Jen. What the hell did I get myself into?

Angelina (from the bathroom): What’s that??

Brad: Nothing.

Angelina: I heard somethin’!

Brad collapses back on the couch, holds a pillow over his face, and groans.

Oprah and Gayle are driving across the continental United States, with Gayle at the wheel for this stretch of the trip. Exercising her perogative to control the radio because she is at the wheel, Gayle is blasting music on the radio and singing loudly, unabashedly and completely out-of-tune. Having had to listen to this unbearable cacophany of blaring pop music and unrelenting screeching, Oprah is cringing, to say the least, and is on the brink of a total mental and emotional breakdown.

Oprah: GAYYYYYYYYYYYYLE! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH! YOU HAVE TO TURN OFF THIS RADIO AND STOP SINGING OR ELSE I WILL OPEN THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW AND THROW MYSELF OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gayle: Oh Oprah, you know the rules when we started this trip. When I am driving, I am in control of the radio - it’s the DRIVER’S PEROGATIVE.

Oprah: YES, BUT I HAVE BEEN LISTENING TO YOUR SCREECHING AND THIS GOD-AWFUL MUSIC FOR HOURS, AND I AM ABOUT TO HAVE A COMPLETE MELTDOWN! WAIT……I AM HAVING A MELTDOWN!!!!!!! STOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP THIS MUSIC AND THAT UNGODLY SINGINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE HAD IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gayle: Oprah, now what did Dr. Phil tell you when you start having a diva tantrum?? What did he tell you?

Oprah: He told me not to strangle you anymore when we have these fights but that barrier is about to crumble in about two seconds.

Gayle: Nooooooooooooo, he said that you have to start counting back from 100 to 1, breathe deeply, and then name something you are grateful for after each number.

Gayle turns up the radio volume and resumes her screechy rendition of a Celine Dion song. Oprah screams, unbelts her seat belt, and unlocks the car door.

Gayle: Oh come on, you are not going to jump out this car. I am going 70mph!

Oprah: Gayle, you have really pushed me to the brink this time. And I will not stand for this abuse for a minute longer. Now you either stop the music and singing, or I WILL jump!

Gayle: I don’t believe you. You have way too much money to be killing yourself - just think of your millions - no, WROOOOOOOONG -think of your BIIIIIIIIIIILLIONS!!! Besides, it’s almost your turn to drive…I have to pee so badly.

Oprah: I swear, if you don’t stop right now, I WILL jump and you will have to explain to America why you killed their favorite TV personality and guru.

Oprah opens the car door.

Gayle: Oprah, stop these dramatics now! I know you can act ok? …even though you lost that Oscar bid, and personally, I don’t think you knew what the hell you were doing in Beloved….that was just god-aw…..well enough said about that. Now I want you to stop this childish nonsense and start your counting and gratitute affirmations, just as Dr. Phil instructed….

Oprah gets up and perches herself at the edge of the opened door. Gayle screams! She brakes the car but it starts to skid. Both women scream as the car spins out of control. The car runs off the main road and onto the grassy hills. Oprah falls out of the car. Gayle regains control of the vehicle and brings it to a screeching halt. Panicked, she runs out of the car in search of the fallen Oprah.

Gayle: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! Where are you????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In the distance, Gayle sees hair flying in the wind near the ground. She runs to it, stumbling on her heels, until she finds Oprah lying on a grassy knoll.

Gayle: Oprah! Oh my god, are you ok???????

Oprah is unresponsive. Gayle bends over and puts her face next to Oprah’s.

Gayle: Please wake up, please, cause I don’t know CPR. Are you even breathing??

She puts her face next to her nostrils.

Gayle: Omigod, you’re not breathing. Oprah’s not breathing. Hey somebody! Help! It’s Oprah! You know, from TV. And she’s not breathing! Somebody! HELLLLLLLLLLLLP!!!!!!!!

Gayle starts beating on Oprah’s chest haphazardly, unsure of exactly how to administer CPR. She blows into Oprah’s mouth, but does not close her nostrils. Oprah remains unresponsive. Gayle collapses next to her, exhausted from her fruitless exertions.

Gayle: Oh Oprah, I’m sorry. I promise to start taking singing lessons and I will sound good from now on. I swear, I will be better and I won’t be off-key. I promise, just don’t die.

She cries and falls asleep, with her arms wrapped around Oprah. About an hour later, Oprah wakes up.

Oprah: Gayle….

Gayle doesn’t anwer.

Oprah: Gayle!

Gayle opens her eyes and sees Oprah conscious.

Gayle: Oh my God, Oprah! You’re all right! You’re ok!

She hugs Oprah and begins to kiss her with small kisses. Oprah is taken aback at first, but then relaxes into it. The kisses deepen and soon, runs passionate.

Gayle: Oh Oprah, I knew it. All these years, I knew you wanted to. Cause I wanted to too!

Oprah: I did. Omigod, I did. I just didn’t know how to start it.

They continue kissing and begin to grope each other. Two police officers stumble upon them in the midst of their passion.

Officer1: Excuse me, ladies.

Oprah and Gayle stop immediately and sit up.

Officer1: Oh…uh…we don’t mean to intrude, but we are responding to a call about a traffic mishap.

Gayle: Oh, yes, well….

They both get up, putting themselves together.

Gayle: Um….she fell out of the car and uh, I was just giving her….you know, mouth-to-mouth.

Oprah: Yes, I fell out of the car…hehe…silly me. There must have been a big bump on the road..hehe…you should see to it that that’s fixed.

Officer2: Oh my garsh! Aren’t you Oprah??!! From TV???!!!

Oprah (embarrassed): Um….yes, um……yes, I am….yeah.

Officer2: And this must be your…..um…friend….Gay…uh…Ga…Ga…Gay…

Gayle (sheepishly): Uh…Gayle…yeah…that’s…that’s me…Gayle.

Officer2: Oh! This is my lucky day!

Officer1: Now you know we are going to have to report this and note the inappropriate behavior.

Oprah: Oh no!….What?….What inappropriate behavior???

Gayle: Officer, that was just CPR…you know, I never took a course, and I am kind of clumsy…it’s not what it looked like.

Oprah: Yeah, she’s not good at that kind of thing…hehe. You know, I tried to do a whole show on CPR and she just flat out refused to participate cause she is just god-awful at these things.

Gayle: Yeah, I’m god-awful, really, really bad…hehehe….medically challenged.

Officer1: Well….I guess I could….um….interpret that differently. But…uh…I think I need more persuasion….

Oprah looks at him and he looks back at her intently. Officer2 looks at Officer1 with a surprised look and looks back at Oprah sheepishly.

Oprah: OH! Yes! I see. Yes…um…yes we can certainly come to an agreement of some sort. (pause) Um….well….is there a….bank or ATM nearby?

Officer1: Just follow us ladies.

Oprah and Gayle follow the officers back to their car, but keeping their distance from each other.

Dear Britney,Oh my god, what have you become? What has happened to the beautiful, sweet young chit of a girl that I used to know and love? Why do you look like an angry lesbian on steroids- and testosterone-overdose? And whatever possessed you to marry Jason and Kfed???!!! That was like such an insult to me - are those losers an extension of your taste for me? How does that make me look? But I like to think your taste in men has gone from good to obscene since our falling out.Recently, with all the crazy behavior that I have seen from you, I feel that I must help you…that I am somewhat responsible for you…that all that has happened to you was somehow due to our painful breakup…that you still have feelings for me…that all this insanity is because we are no longer together.Britney, if there is any shred of hope and possibility that we can be reunited and make it work, I would beat a path to your rehab door and sweep you off your feet. I would plan a career comeback with a duet album and concert tour for us! But first, you have got to get rid of Kfed and tell the world that I am unequivocably and indisputedly a cut WAY ABOVE this loser you married and had children with. Please, Britney, tell the world how great and fantastic your Justin is. (Marcia, my PR rep, can help you write a glowing statement). Do it for me, Britney….for us.Your baby hotcakes(waiting in the wings),JustinP.S. - Your boobs are way hotter than Cameron’s!