‘The View’ goes to commercial and Rosie is still standing, staring at her mother-in-law Melanie in disbelief.

Rosie: Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! What are you doing here??!!

Melanie: Don’t act too surprised or you’ll offend my Southern sensibilities.

Rosie: Well, Ma, I…

Rosie takes her seat.

Melanie: Ah’m not feelin’ the hospitality Rosie!

Rosie: …I love to have you co-host but this is a big shock you know. I need to be mentally prepared for something like this.

Melanie: Ah don’t know what you mean by ‘mentally prepared’ fo me…that sounds kind of offensive and un-Southern.

Rosie: Oh Ma, you know I love ya but come on - springing my mother-in-law on me on live national TV ain’t something most daughter-in-laws in America have to deal with on a regular basis, you know.

Melanie: Well, Ah don’t care. They asked me to co-host and Ah couldn’t be more excited!

Melanie squeals in sheer delight and claps with unbridled excitement.

Rosie: Oy!

Melanie: So, what’s on the agenda for ‘hot topics’?

Rosie: Uh…didn’t they prep you?

Melanie: Noooo, Ah just barely arrived in time. Ah had to get my hair done at the salon.

Rosie: Ma, we have hair stylists here, didn’t they tell you?!

Melanie: Oh, they don’t know nothin’ bout Southern hair and stylin’! Ah wanted to find my own and she took forever, but she did a great job didn’t she??

Melanie turns her head for all the ladies to see.

Elisabeth: It looks great.

Joy nods in agreement.

Rosie: Aye ya ya ya ya ya.

Melanie: Oh Elisabeth, thank you sweetheart.

She reaches out and holds Elisabeth’s hand.

Melanie: You know, when thangs get heated during ‘hot topics’, you can count on me…

Elisabeth: What?

Melanie: You know…

She winks at Elisabeth. Elisabeth looks at her, a little dumbfounded, and then looks nervously at Rosie. Rosie puts her head down on the table.

Elisabeth: Oh….uh…well…you should just speak your mind…(laughing nervously).

Melanie: Oh, don’t you worry honey, AH WILLLLL!

Melanie lets out a little squeal.

Rosie (mumbling): …and this too shall pass.

A few moments later, the Stage Manager announces they are coming back from commercial.

Stage Manager: And we’re back live, in five, four, three, two,…

He cues Rosie.

Rosie: Hi, and we are back live on ‘The View’. Oh, wait a minute, let me get this…

She pretends to take a knife out of her back and hands it towards the camera…

Rosie (to the camera): Ugh….here’s your knife Barbara Walters.

The audience chuckles.

Rosie: All right, let’s welcome to ‘The View’, all the way from Baton Rouge, Louisiana…our surprise co-host for today…and my mother-in-law….Melanie Safer.

The audience applauds.

Melanie: Hi y’awll!!! Ah just want start off by saying that ah am soooo happy and tickled to death about being here. Ah’ve watched these gals for ever so long…and Ah can hardly believe Ah’m finally here on one of mah favorite shows, and sitting right alongside mah daughter-in-law, whom Ah just love to death.

She reaches over the Rosie and hugs her.

Rosie: Well I love you too Ma, but do remember you are a Republican, so no touchy-feely.

Melanie: Oh you just stop that.

Elisabeth: Oh that is so wrong, Rosie.

Rosie: Just kidding Elisabeth. Just kidding folks. I need all the sense of humor I can muster to get through these next 50 minutes, all right??? So bear with me. All right…

Melanie: You know, yesterday Ah found this old recipe for barbeque chicken that mah mama had for ever so long, but Ah just plain forgot the ingredients. That was one of the most amazing stroke of luck Ah ever had cause Ah was just rifling through this old trunk, lookin’ at mah old weddin’ dress, and wonderin’ if Ah could ever fit in it again when Ah saw tucked into the side pockets of the inside walls of the trunk, these old, old sheets of paper…

Rosie looks intently into the camera.

Melanie: …that Ah had just plain forgot about. Ah had stuffed these papers into these pockets when mah mama died ’cause Ah sure didn’t want to lose these ole family recipes. Ah mean don’t you folks (to the audience) forgit a lot of secret hidin’ places…?

Joy: And they say I can’t segway to another topic very well.

Melanie: …Ah mean, mah memory is just gettin’ worse and worse, as the years go awn, and personally (to the co-hosts), Ah think y’awll should do a show on memory loss and agin’, and awll the thangs you can do to improve yo memory…’cause there is just nothin’ worse than losin’ yo memory…it’s like losin’ parts of ya life!!!….oh mah God, Ah hope this is not the beginning of Alzheimer’s….

Joy and Elisabeth exchange looks of perplexed amusement. Rosie looks exasperated.

Melanie: …’cause Ah did have a great uncle…on mah mama’s side of the family…that was lawst to Alzheimer’s…but you know in those days they didn’t even know what it was…I didn’t even know mahself ’til Oprah told me…and Ah was like…oh mah Lord, that was just like my great uncle Henry…

Rosie: Maaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!! STOP!!!!! Wha…wha…wha….where….who…..how….when…..WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM???!!! How the heck did we get on these topics???!!!

Melanie: Well, Rosie, Ah’m just speakin’ mah mind, as Elisabeth suggested.

Rosie: But Ma, Ah am the…(stopping herself from falling into a southern accent)…I am the moderator, or have you forgotten? And I will tell you if and when we are going to tawk…talk….about barbeque chicken, old family recipes, secret hiding places, memory loss, aging, Alzheimer’s, your great uncle Henry or Oprah, OK???

Melanie: Oh, aw right (a bit miffed)…if you wanna be such a stickler ta formality. Ugh, so Yankee. Well, Ah’m sawree if Ah jumped the gun, Rosie sweetie.

Rosie: It’s OK Ma. I understand. It’s your first time.

Joy: You know, that stream of consciousness made total sense to me…from A to Z…right? Didn’t you awl get it? (directing question to the audience in a slight southern drawl; the audience claps in response; Melanie is delighted and feels a bit triumphant.)

Rosie: Aye ya ya ya, it’s like Thanksgiving in Baton Rouge all over again….

(to be continued)…

 

‘The View’ begins and the three regular co-hosts, Rosie, Joy, and Elisabeth, walk onto the set, waving at the crowd. Rosie halts and does her usual ‘feigned surprise’ routine and Joy walks into her, obviously a bit annoyed with that fake ritual. The ladies take their usual seats, leaving one seat empty between Rosie and Joy.

Rosie: Hi everybody. Welcome to ‘The View.’ It is Monday, April 9th. Hi ladies, how are ya, hope you had a nice weekend. Well, it’s ‘Surprise Guest Co-Host Week’…

Joy (interrupting): Wait a minute, before you begin. Can I just ask you why you always act surprised at the audience reaction every time you walk out? I mean, don’t you know there is an audience out here?? Or were you expecting a hot fudge sundae???

Rosie: Well, or course I know there is an audience out here Joy, but the clapping and the cheering is just…exhilarating…and it’s new and different to me every time.

The audience claps.

Rosie: And I just think: “What? All this for little ol’me???”

Joy: Well, it’s getting kind of old.

Rosie: Well, Joy, so is the botox around your eyes. When is your next visit?

The audience goes ‘oooooooooooo.’ Joy opens her mouth in exaggerated shock.

Rosie: Just kidding. Just kidding. You know I love you Joy.

Joy looks annoyed but feigns a smile.

Joy: Oh it’s SO like you to think the applause is just for you. What are we (indicating to Elisabeth), production assistants??

Joy raises her eyebrows and rolls her eyes. Elisabeth laughs nervously. Rosie looks at her and then looks into the camera. She takes a beat.

Rosie: One minute into the show and we already have another celebrity feud, ladies and gentlemen!

Everyone laughs off the tension.

Elisabeth: Ding! Back to your corners lately, ladies.

Rosie: Anyway, as I was saying, before I was rudely interrupted (looking devilishly askance at Joy), this is ‘Surprise Guest Co-Host’ week on ‘The View’,…and we are going to have a different surprise guest co-host every day this week. Frankly, I am very excited about this.

Joy: You know who they are?

Rosie: No, I have no idea who they are. Only Barbara Walters and Bill Geddie, our executive producers, know their identities and they both have been guarding them all month long like State secrets. And when I tried to bribe Barbara with a cookie, she still wouldn’t tell me, imagine that! But it’s just as well, cause it’s hard for me to keep anything secret for much longer than a couple of days…heehee. But aren’t you excited about who they could be?

Joy: No, no, no, I don’t like surprises. When I come in each day, I like to know who is going to guest co-host. I want to know who the heck they are, what have they done, what are they promoting or why haven’t they worked for in the last five years, who they had to sleep with to get on this show, and was it with Barbara Walters? (the audience laughs), etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

Elisabeth (giggling): Oh my God, the image I just had in my head!

Rosie (laughing): Oh Joy, I guess you will be even grumpier than usual this week!

Joy acts offended.

Joy: What??

Rosie: Just kiddin’…hehe.

Joy: I don’t know what you are talking about!…(feigning grumpiness, she smacks the table with her hand)…Damn it! (she laughs at herself)

Elisabeth: Ding! Celebrity fight number two!

Elisabeth laughs at her own joke but no one else is laughing. Rosie and Joy look at her humorlessly for a moment and turn back to each other.

Joy: Yeah well, you wouldn’t be too excited about surprises if one of the guest co-hosts turns out to be Ann Coulter???

Rosie: Oh Barbara wouldn’t do that to us.

Joy: Oh wouldn’t she?! That girl would do anything for ratings.

Rosie: Then I would walk right off the set.

Elisabeth: Oh, come on, that’s extreme.

Joy: Oh great. So you’d leave me here to deal with that skinny bitch with this Neo-Con here (gesturing to Elisabeth). No excuse me, skinny, DERANGED bitch.

Elisabeth: Well, I am no fan of Ann Coulter either.

Rosie: Well, you can certainly take her on Joy. Or you can walk off the set with me.

Joy: Somehow, I don’t think the two of us walking off the set at the beginning of our live broadcast is going to go well with Barbara Walters.

Rosie: I know, she’d cancel our sponsorship agreement with Keebler and there goes my free cookies.

Joy: That would not be good for you.

Rosie: All right, with that said, let’s bring on the surprise guest co-host of the day.

The ladies stand and turn to look towards the entrance to the stage. Melanie, Rosie’s mother-in-law, walks out, smiling and waving at the audience. She turns and waves at Rosie, who is in complete utter shock. Joy and Elisabeth are clapping and laughing hysterically.

Rosie: OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT’S MY MOTHER-IN-LAW, MELANIE SAFER!!!

Melanie walks onto the stage, greets Elisabeth and Joy, and opens her arms to Rosie, who is immobilized from the shock. She hugs Rosie and takes a seat. Joy and Elisabeth take their seats too, leaving Rosie standing alone, aghast. She looks into the camera.

Rosie: Barbara Walters…I will get you for this.

The other ladies and the audience laugh and clap.

(to be continued)…