The women of ‘The View’, Barbara Walters, Rosie O’Donnell, Joy Behar, and Elisabeth Hasselbeck, are gathered in Barbara’s office for their regular ‘post-mortem’ meeting to discuss what transpired on the show. Barbara is seated behind her desk and the three other women are seated on the other side of it with Rosie in the middle.

Barbara: Well, what did you think of today’s show ladies?

Joy: I don’t have any problems. (looking at Rosie and Elisabeth) Do you?

Rosie and Elisabeth shake their heads.

Elisabeth: I don’t have any concerns, except maybe we should get a little bit more heated in the political debates. (to Rosie) You’re holding back on me Rosie!

Rosie: Elisabeth, I don’t want to start yelling, not at a pregnant woman.

Elisabeth: Rosie, I can take it! I am a big girl!

Rosie: What if your kid turns into a gay liberal because he or she heard me talking politics from the womb? Then you’ll come after me 13 or 14 years from now with your semi-automatic.

Elisabeth: That’s funny, I would think hearing you talk politics would have just the opposite effect.

Rosie: What??

Elisabeth: Just kidding…just kidding, Rosie. I’m just trying to rile you up for our next political verbal tussel. (laughs nervously)

Rosie (eyes her suspiciously): Hmmmmm…

Barbara: I agwee with Elisabeth. The watings are down fwom two weeks ago, ever since you (indicating at Rosie) declared a cease-fire. I want the fur flying again duwing ‘hot topics’.

Rosie: All right. If that’s what you both want, then I’ll start yelling again.

Joy: Wait a minute! Again?? What do you mean ‘again’? When did you ever stop?? Are we on the same show?? (Joy laughs sarcastically)

Rosie returns a resentful look at Joy. They stare each other down for a moment and then, they break out laughing. Elisabeth laughs at them as well.

Rosie: Oh, I enjoy you Behar.

Barbara: Well I have a concern.

The three women stop laughing at the same time. They tense up and turn to look at Barbara glaring at them.

Barbara: Why did you all excowiate Kathy Hilton today? I was extwemely embawwassed.

Rosie: Ex…what?

Barbara: ExcoWIATE!

Pause. Rosie looks at Joy for an explanation, but Joy tactfully shrugs indicating that she has no clue about what Barbara is saying either. Elisabeth, clearly nervous and perplexed as well, just looks down at her feet. Rosie mouths ‘Excowiate’ to herself.

Rosie: Oh!…ExcoRIATE!

Barbara: That’s what I just said!

Rosie: Well…Barbara, that’s…that’s a very strong word.

Joy: We didn’t excoriate her. We just questioned why Paris Hilton is the way she is.

Barbara: You questioned the way Pawis was bwought up.

Rosie: We questioned the values that were instilled in her…yes.

Barbara: And so, in turn, you questioned how Kathy waised her and effectively, called her a bad mother.

Pause.

Rosie (tactfully): Well…I wouldn’t go so far as to say that that was what we meant…

Joy (cutting Rosie off): YES!!! That’s EXACTLY what we meant!

Rosie glares at Joy, giving her the ‘what-the-hell-are-you-doing’ look.

Joy: So what??

Barbara (getting angry): So what??

Barbara slowly gets up from her chair, fuming. She pounds her hand on the desk.

Elisabeth: Oh boy…

Barbara: SO WHAT??!!

Rosie gives Joy an exasperated look.

Rosie (whispering to Joy): Now you’ve done it Behar.

Barbara: Kathy Hilton is a good fwiend of mine! I have known her for over 20 years! How dare you question her chawacter and fitness as a mother on national television?? Don’t you know that I see her socially and I am having dinner with Rick and Kathy at their Hamptons mansion this weekend?? Now I am completely mowtified about having to attend because of your atwocious statements!!! How dare you make my social life difficult!!!

The three women cringe in her presence and slump down in their chairs.

Rosie: Well, you know Barbawa…I mean, Barbara… the show IS called ‘The View’ and you hired us to give our views on anything…

Barbara: I KNOW WHAT THE SHOW IS CALLED AND LET ME WEMIND YOU, O’DONNELL, I CWEATED ‘THE VIEW’ AND THE LAST TIME I CHECKED, I AM STILL THE EXECUTIVE PWODUCER!

Rosie gulps down a lump in her throat.

Barbara (to Rosie): I have alweady lost a gweat many fwiends by your so-called ‘views’. And for the ones that I haven’t lost yet, I am tired of having to apologize for your insensitive statements time and time again! I’ve never been so embawwassed in all of my life…not since that whole ‘what twee are you?’ debacle!

Rosie (rising up and gaining courage): What have I said that is so terrible, Barbara???

Joy shakes her head furtively at Rosie and mouths ‘no’ to her. Barbara looks at her incredulously.

Barbara: What have you said??? WHAT HAVE YOU SAID???!!! You mean, ‘what HAVEN’T you said!!! You have insulted everyone from Kelly Wipa to Paula Abdul to the Chinese to the Chwistian Wight…

Rosie: The Christian Right can go suck it!

Barbara: …to Pwesident Bush…

Rosie: He can go suck the Christian Right!

Barbara: …to Donald Twump!

Rosie: Donald Trump!! That sick, creepy bastard deserved everything I said!!!

Barbara: HE WAS MY FWIEND!!! HE DIDN’T ANTAGONIZE YOU!!! YOU STARTED THIS WHOLE UGLY FEUD WITH HIM!!! YOU THWEW HIM IN THE MUD AND WOLLED AWOUND WITH HIM IN IT LIKE A PIG!!!

Barbara realizes what she had said and quickly puts her hand to her mouth. Rosie stands up and eyeballs her.

Rosie: SOOO….what Trump said WAS true! You DID call me a pig and told him not to roll in the mud with me!

Barbara (frightened): Now Wosie, I didn’t mean it at the time. I was just pandewing to Trump’s anger in order to stop him from wetaliating against you. I was weally thinking of you.

Rosie: Bullshit!

Barbara: No weally, I was…

Rosie (gasps at a sudden epiphany): WERE YOU IN ON TRUMP’S STUNT THAT MADE MY MOTHER-IN-LAW THE SUPRISE GUEST CO-HOST??? (she lets out another gasp) YOU WERE THE ONE WHO KNOCKED OUT BILL GEDDIE!!!

Barbara (nervous and tense): What are you talking about Wosie?

Rosie: How did you tie yourself up???!!!

Barbara (evasively): Stop talking nonsense Wosie! That’s widiculous! I would never do anything like that! Nor could I!

Rosie eyes her suspiciously. Barbara flinches and looks away. Rosie sits back down in her chair.

Barbara: As I was saying, I was twying to pwotect you. I am always twying to pwotect you all. That’s my job. In fact,…

Barbara picks up a pile of folders.

Barbara: …I have compiled a list of people you should ‘ease up’ on for your own good.

She hands each of them a folder. The ladies open them and find a stack of paper listing hundreds of influential people.

Barbara: These are vewy powerful and influential men and women you shouldn’t cwiticize so harshly because…

Rosie: Because they are all your friends!

Barbara: Well, certainly, some of them are my fwiends…but they are also vewy powerful and can pwove to be dangewous if pwovoked.

Joy: You know Barbara, this list includes just about everybody. (she holds up the stack of pages and lets it drop, revealing a very long roll). Instead of my reading through the names of hundreds of people on here, why don’t you just give us a list of people we CAN lace into!

Rosie (flipping through the list): I have a feeling that would be a very short…GEORGE W. BUSH!!! YOU PUT THE BUSH ON THE LIST???!!!

Joy: OH NO YOU DIDN’T???!!! (Joy flips through the pages to the ‘B’s)

Elisabeth (smiling): Oh cool. (drops her smile suddenly) Oh wait, then how will we be able to debate?

Joy: Oh Barbara, how could you???!!!

Rosie: What the hell is the meaning of this???!!!

Barbara looks at their angry and disappointed faces, and then begins to cry.

Barbara: I have never ever NOT been invited to a White House State dinner since I began my caweer. And it is all on account of you (looking at Rosie) and your extweme libewalism and constant bawwage of cwiticism against Bush. They are punishing me for hiring you! They purposely invited this neophyte (pointing at Elisabeth) instead of me as a vewy delibewate slap in the face!

Elisabeth: Oh Barbara…

Barbara collapses over her desk and pounds her fists against the top of it and kicks her heels in the air.

Barbara: I WANTED TO BWEAK BWEAD WITH THE PWESIDENT! I WANTED TO CHAT WITH THE QUEEN OVER EARL GWEY! I WANTED TO BE SEEN AND PHOTOGWAPHED AT A WHITE HOUSE WHITE-TIE STATE DINNER!!! I HAD THE PERFECT WHITE AWMANI DWESS TOO!!!

She sobs deeply. Joy and Elisabeth approach the desk to comfort her and pat her on the back.

Elisabeth: There, there, Barbara. They should have invited you. I don’t even know who Earl Grey is!

Joy rolls her eyes at Elisabeth and smirks at Rosie, giving her ‘get-a-load-of-this-one’ look.

Rosie (with feigned certainty): He’s that…British…conservative…dude…

Joy rolls her eyes at Rosie as well and shakes her head.

Joy: I swear, you two nimkompoops are more alike than different sometimes. (to Barbara) Ok, Barbara. We’ll ease up on the politics. Besides, we just keep going in circles with this unrelenting neocon rehashing the same crap over and over again and it gets nowhere.

Elisabeth gives her a dirty look. Joy mouths ‘kidding’ to her. Barbara recovers, gets off the desk, and sits back down in her chair. Rosie asservatively puts her feet up on Barbara’s desk and continues to look through the folder. Barbara is visibly displeased with her show of disrespect and defiance.

Rosie: I don’t understand. First you tell me to rev up the heat for the political ‘hot topics’ and now you tell me to ease up on criticizing the President, as well as hundreds of people on here (indicating the list). This is impossible!

Barbara: It’s not impossible. Actually, it’s very simple. Just keep the political debates heated and passionate but lay off the President and all those people on that list (indicating the folder).

Rosie: Are you kidding me Barbara??? That’s totally ridiculous! I can’t have a real political debate without criticizing the President and hundreds of his cronies listed here. I am not like you. I can’t co-host a show called ‘The View’ and then NOT HAVE opinions like you!

Barbara (fuming): I am being vewy patient with you and you have not been considewate.

Rosie scrunches up her face, not understanding what Barbara is saying.

Rosie: What?…Did you just call me a half-wit? What??

Barbara (still fuming): You have not been considewate!

Rosie: Oh….considerate.

Barbara: That’s what I said!

Rosie: I couldn’t understand you. And it’s not the first time.

Barbara is insulted by her jab. Rosie flagrantly recrosses her legs on Barbara’s desk. Barbara is furious.

Rosie (sighing): Ok for Christsake, let’s just take it one fucking elitist at a time! (She flips open the folder to the top of the list.) You know, it’s very difficult to think during ‘hot topics’ when there is a constant barrage of change this, change that, no, wait, wait, do it another way. Don’t get me started…it’s impossible! One co-host is doing one thing and another is doing another. I am not as brilliant as you! I can’t keep up with you! All I know how to do is kick ass…I don’t know how to kiss’em the way you do!

Barbara is at the brink. An assistant knocks on the door.

Barbara: YES???!!!

The assistant comes in and stands near the door.

Assistant (nervously to Barbara): Paris Hilton called from the jail. She couldn’t hold for very long and so she had to leave a message.

Barbara (annoyed): Why didn’t you just put the call thwough???

Assistant: …Well, I heard shouting and…crying…

Barbara (embarrassed but still stewing): …Well, what’s the message?!

Assistant (taking a deep breath): Paris is canceling her interview with you. However, she wants Rosie to do a live interview of her from inside the jail on the day of her release.

[MUSIC CUE: Start ABBA’s ‘Ring Ring’ - click here to hear the song at Free Napster!]

Upon seeing the angry reaction on Barbara’s face, the assistant rushes out and shuts the door behind her. Rosie smirks at her triumph over Barbara. Joy and Elisabeth look at each other nervously, unsure of what to say. Barbara’s face turns red and angry hot. She stands up and with one stroke of her arm she pushes a stack of papers and chachkas off her desk.

Barbara (screaming at Rosie): FUDGE YOU! I WAS JUST TWYING TO HELP YOU! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME???…TO PWOTECT YOU!

Barbara kicks some files situated over the edge of her desk into the air. Rosie stands up to face her defiantly. Joy and Elisabeth get up and turn to go.

Joy: Way to go, O’Donnell!

Joy and Elisabeth run out the door and shut it behind them. Barbara continues to trash her office by knocking things off her desk, small tables, and shelves.

Barbara: I HAVE BEEN TWYING TO BE YOUR COLLABOWATOR INSTEAD OF YOUR BOSS! I AM NOT HERE TO BE FUDGING YELLED AT BY YOU! I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON THIS SHOW FOR TEN FUDGING YEARS NOT TO HAVE SOME FUDGING FLOOSY YELL AT ME IN FWONT OF THE FUDGING STAFF WHEN I AM TWYING TO FUDGING HELP YOU, YOU TWOLLOP!

Barbara moves towards the door, knocks over a lamp, and flings opens the door violently. Joy and Elisabeth as well as a couple of other staff people fall in. A horde of people have gathered outside in the hallway. The small crowd quickly disperses and scrambles for safety fast!

Barbara: FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF!

Rosie: I have figured it out…

Barbara: YEAH, WELL, FUDGE YOURSELF!

Barbara storms out of the office. She can be heard ranting and raving in the hallway. Rosie laughs at her lunacy. Barbara walks back into her office and beseeches Rosie with her hands.

Barbara: YOU’RE A FUDGING GWOWN UP! ACT LIKE A GWOWN UP! YOU’RE NOT A BABY! I’M HERE TO FUDGING HELP YOU! THAT’S ALL I WAS DOING!

Rosie: Stop yelling! You’re starting to sound more and more like me.

Barbara: HAVE I YELLED AT YOU BEFORE WIGHT NOW???!!! NO, I HAVE NEVER FUDGING YELLED AT YOU!

She grabs one of her Emmy trophies and is about to hurl it across the room, when she realizes what she was about to throw and stops herself. She hugs her Emmy for comfort.

Rosie (searingly): I HAVE FIGURED IT OUT, BARBARA WALTERS. YOU WERE TOTALLY, UNEQUIVOCALLY, WITHOUT A DOUBT, THE SECURITY BREACH THAT AIDED AND ABETTED DONALD TRUMP IN MAKING A COMPLETE FOOL OF ME IN FRONT OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ON LIVE NATIONAL TELEVISION YESTERDAY!!!

Barbara glares at Rosie in fury.

Barbara: YES I WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS!!!!!

Blinded by rage, she hurls the Emmy across the room and it crashes into a glass case of awards, completely shattering it. She lets out a full release of anger and frustration.

Barbara: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Rosie folds her arms in triumph and smirks.

Rosie: And they say that I kicked ‘The View’ up a notch?? Huh! Wait till ‘Access Hollywood’ hears about this!!! The tabloids have a new biddy to fry!!!

Barbara slumps over her desk in resignation.

[Fade out ABBA’s ‘Ring Ring]

(to be continued)…

[Watch the YouTube video that helped inspire this twisted story. Warning: Strong language]:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F86s4Vq59Ks&mode=related&search

[Read related stories: Surprise Guest Co-Host Week On ‘The View’ Part I, II, and III!]

Rosie walks into the large visitors hall at the Century Regional Facility in Lynwood, Ca. The room is filled with small tables arranged in a grid pattern. Visiting relatives and friends are seated opposite prison inmates and are quietly chatting. Some are holding hands with friends and relatives; some are crying.

A guard leads Rosie to an empty table. She sits and looks around the large room. Many of the inmates look tough, hardened, and masculine. A moment later, a guard brings Paris Hilton in and leads her to Rosie’s table. She has a black eye and looks tense and nervous. She is wearing a pair of blue pants and shirt. She sees Rosie and a mixture of surprise and welcomed relief flashes across her face. She takes a seat opposite Rosie at the table.

Rosie: Oh my God, Paris honey, are you ok?

Paris shrugs her shoulders.

Paris: I’m in jail…am I supposed to be ok?

She touches her shiner lightly.

Rosie: What happened?

Paris: I don’t want to talk about it.

Rosie: If I had’ve known, I would have brought you something for it…like a raw steak.

Paris: Don’t worry about it. They would have beaten me to a pulp to get to the steak and devour it raw. What are you doing here?

Rosie: I said on ‘The View’ that I was gonna visit ya and so here I am, keeping my word. How are you doin’ otherwise?

Paris: Well, Rosie, I’ve been stripped of all my things. I’ve been stripped searched and humiliated by at least one female guard who enjoyed it. Every morning, I am forced out of bed at 5am and I have to make my own bed. I can’t wear makeup and I’m forced to wear polyester…designed by some fashion-school reject. I am fed food that I wouldn’t even give to stray dogs. I have to shower with a bunch of rabid women with testosterone problems. At night, the rats run around like boy scouts in a jamboree and think I am a giant pinata. At least one fight breaks out amongst these so-called…women… every hour. The colors here are all hideously wrong. And I think there is a contest to see who can make Paris Hilton look like a racoon by blackening the other eye. AND it smells. So, how do you think I am doing?

Rosie is speechless for a moment and stammers.

Rosie: Uh…well…uh…are you making any friends at least?

Paris: Oh for God’s sakes Rosie, what do you think this is - a big pajama party?

Rosie: Doesn’t mean you can’t get to know some of the women.

Paris: I just keep to myself mostly and avoid looking at anybody - they are all so disgusting looking anyway.

Rosie: Now that’s the kind of attitude that can get you into trouble. You have 20 days left in here and you have to learn how to make nice to survive.

Paris: I can take care of myself! They’re just a bunch of public school losers.

Rosie: Look, I would drop the holier-than-thou attitude ’cause you didn’t fare any better with your private schooling, Miss GED.

Paris flashes an angry look at Rosie.

Rosie: These women will pick up on your snobbiness and turn you into meat-by-products by the time you’re supposed to get outta here.

Paris: Oh Rosie, I don’t belong in here. I haven’t done anything even close to what these women are in here for - prostitution, drugs, theft, robbery, gang violence. That fucking sick judge is really cruel to put me in here with these low-life’s…

Rosie: Well, where did you want them to put you, Paris? I don’t think Club Med has built timeshare prisons on Catalina just yet.

Paris looks at Rosie with some hostility.

Paris: I didn’t do anything wrong on purpose! I’ve never broken any other laws! I don’t jaywalk. I always have my personal assistant pick up after Tinkerbell when I walk her. I even order my staff to recyle all my Armani and Tiffany shopping bags!

Rosie: No, you just drove drunk and endangered the lives of pedestrians and drivers, and could have crippled, maimed, or killed someone.

Paris is now pissed.

Paris: Why are you here, Rosie?

Rosie: …I just want to visit ya…to see if you’re ok.

Paris: Why? Why do you care? You and those bitches on ‘The View’ always make fun of me and put me down.

Rosie: ‘Cause I kinda understand your position. I am ashamed to admit it but when I was in my early 20s, I drove drunk on my way back from clubs and gigs. I was also young and stupid…I just didn’t get caught…

Paris leans in towards Rosie.

Paris: What are you hoping for Rosie? Sex?

Rosie: Paris! I have nothing but maternal feelings towards you!

Paris: Everyone here wants to do me…they’ve all been looking at me and licking their chops since I got here.

A very tall, large, masculine-looking African-American woman walks up to Rosie. She speaks in a low, brusque voice.

Lynette: Are you Rosie O’Donna?

Rosie: Yes. O’Donnell…

Lynette: Oh my God…

She takes Rosie’s hand and shakes it vigorously.

Lynette: …I just love you on ‘The View’.

Rosie reacts to her hand being crushed.

Lynette: We all watch it religiously here and on behalf of all the women here, I just want to say - thank you. Thank you for speaking up for us women. And if I ever see that Donald Trump, I am going to knock the living daylights out of him with a one-two punch!

She mimicks an air punch and laughs in a husky voice. Rosie shakes off the pain and numbness of her hand.

Rosie: Hehe…I think just one would do it. Thank you and you are?

Lynette: Lynette. I’m Paris’ cellmate.

Rosie: Well, it’s nice to meet you, Lynette.

A guard steps in.

Guard: All right, let’s go Lynette.

She taps Lynette on the back of her arm and motions for her to move on. Lynette moves backwards towards the exit.

Lynette: Rock on sistuh!

Lynette puts up her thumbs. Rosie puts up her thumbs too and smiles. Lynette accidentally bumps a male visitor sitting at a nearby table as she steps backwards. The slight bumps knocks the guy completely off the chair.

Lynette: Moops! Sorry.

Lynette smiles and waves goodbye to Rosie. Rosie waves back.

Rosie: Did she say ‘Moops’?

Paris shrugs her shoulders and rolls her eyes in contempt.

Rosie: Now where did I hear that? Wasn’t that from ‘Seinfeld’?

Paris: Who knows? English is her 2nd language after gibberish…

Rosie: Paris! She seems nice. You should make friends with her. Maybe she can protect you.

Paris (wimpering): Can she protect me from the public? Everyone wants me to burn and crash. Oh Rosie, my name, my image…everything that I have been doing to reverse my image since the release of that sex tape has been ruined.

Rosie: How? …by flashing your crotch to the paparazzi???

Paris (smirking): Like you didn’t enjoy that.

Rosie is flustered for a moment.

Rosie: Errr…Paris stop it! I’m tryin’ ta help you here. Now what if I came here with a camera crew on the day of your release and get an exclusive. You can tell the whole world that you’ve changed, that you’ve been humbled by this experience, and that there is a new Paris ready to make a positive impact on the world!

Paris: Rosie, are you insane? I am not going to let the world see me in this hideous outfit and with no makeup. And it takes a staff of people hours to make me look like…well…Paris Hilton.

Rosie: But that’s the whole point of coming here…to let the world see Paris with her hair down, humbled, vulnerable…and transformed. It can help reverse your entire spoiled, slutty, and self-serving image!

Paris thinks about it for a moment.

Paris: Hmmmm…that is a good idea, Rosie. I am going to have my mother to get a special designer and makeup artist to dress me down fashionably. If I have to look drab, I want it done aesthetically pleasing. Oh and I have to have Barbara’s lighting crew in on this too.

Rosie: What? Barbara’s interviewing you? When?

Paris: She has an exclusive with me after my release.

Rosie: Oh, that bitch Barbara. She’s always getting first dibs in the cookie jar.

Paris: It was my mother’s idea. She had it arranged before I even stepped foot in here. And when my mother snaps her fingers, Barbara Walters jumps.

Rosie (muttering to herself): That elitist brown-noser…

Paris: What?

Rosie: Uh…nothing. Well, I came here really worried about you but I can see you have everything planned out.

Paris: Nobody messes with the Hiltons honey.

Rosie: They sure can’t. Just a couple more pieces of advice: You have money - use it to your advantage in here.

Paris: Oh Rosie, how would it be different from the way I operate outside?

Rosie chuckles.

Rosie: You’re right. What was I thinking?

Paris: And the other piece of advice?

Rosie: Find the alpha member. Make friends with her.

Paris: How? Bribe her?

Rosie: Yes! And if that’s not enough, well…

Rosie raises her eyebrows and smirks.

Rosie: …you know…

Paris: Put out?

Rosie gives her a big wink.

(to be continued)…