Rosie is flying high and fast through miles and miles of gorgeous green countryside in the afterlife and scouring the surface for any signs of people, buildings, and most of all, her mother. She appears to be flying in “auto-pilot” mode, after having given a directive to unseen forces to take her to her mom. In the distance, she sees what appears to be a large circular building. Rosie speeds towards the structure and circles above it. Upon a closer look, it is an open arena with a central stage surrounded on all sides by many tiers of seating. The arena is packed with people waiting for a performance.

Rosie (to herself): She must be there.

Rosie dives down towards the arena and lands on the stage. She addresses the crowd.

Rosie: Excuse me everyone, I’m Rosie O’Donnell. I’m new here. I don’t know if fame carries over from Earth but some of you may know me as a loudmouth comedienne slash tv personality. Anyway, I’m looking for a woman…my mother. Her name is Roseann O’Donnell. Are you here Mom?

Rosie looks across many faces in the audience.

Rosie: Anyone here know her or know of her whereabouts??

People mostly smile at her and shake their heads. Everyone looks to be around 35 years of age and wears simple white one-piece clothing that seem translucent, allowing the auras of their bodies to shine through.

Rosie: MOM, I KNOW YOU’RE HERE!!! WHY WON’T YOU COME FORWARD???!!! I DEMAND THAT YOU SHOW YOURSELF RIGHT NOW!!! WHAT ARE YOU ALL SMILING AT???!!! WHAT IS THIS SOME KIND OF SICK STEPFORD TOGA PARTY??!!

Rosie’s guide, Danny, appears next to her and tries to take her off the stage.

Danny: Rosie…

Rosie backs away from him.

Rosie: Oh no, get away from me, you friggin gestapo midget.

Danny puts up his arms and - whooooosh - with a swirl of energy emanating from the movement, they both disappear from the stage and appear on a hill some distance from the concert hall. A vortex appears before them.

Danny: Please Rosie, you have to go back to Earth. Your family and friends need you.

Angered by his actions, Rosie lunges at Danny and chokes him.

Rosie: YOU LITTLE NAZI!!! HOW DARE YOU INTERFERE!!!

Danny (choking): You have to get in the vortex before it’s too late!

As Rosie continues to choke him, a brilliant purple light in the form of a human apparition appears. It solidifies into an old man with a beard wearing a purple robe.

Old Man: ENOUGH! Let her be.

Rosie stops choking Danny and stands up to see the old man.

Danny: Let her be??!!! Who’s choking whom???

Rosie (to the old man): Who are you?

Danny stands up

Danny (to Rosie): Ugh, they told me you’re dangerous!

Rosie: Oh please, how can I be dangerous? Are you afraid I would…(sarcastically)…KILL YOU??!!!

Danny: There are worse things than death.

Old Man: Enough!

Rosie: And who are YOU??!!

Danny: He is one of the Old Ones.

Rosie: Gee, I couldn’t tell.

Old Man: Time on Earth continues. If you do not go back to your body now, it will surely die in a few moments. And that decision will have serious repercussions, disrupting the life plans of many of your loved ones.

Danny: I told you, I told you! You have to go back before it’s too late!

Rosie: Look, I just got here. I just want to…

Suddenly, a blinding light envelops the entire scene and an energy force barrels through them, blasting everyone away. Rosie finds herself tumbling away on the grass.

Rosie: Whooooooooooooooooooooooa!

Rosie stands up, several feet away from where she was just a moment ago. 

Rosie: WHAT IN HELL WAS THAT??!!!

The old man and Danny are gone. Even the vortex has disappeared.

Rosie: Hey! Where’d you guys go?!

Rosie looks around and calls out to them.

Rosie: Hey!! Can you hear me?? What were you saying about ‘disrupting life plans’?? Is that bad???

There’s no answer.

Rosie: Hello??

Rosie looks uncertain and worried. In the distance, the concert has started. Rosie shrugs and flys towards the music arena. She lands on an empty seat in one of the mid-level tiers. A woman who looks like Barbra Streisand is singing on stage. In fact, IT IS BARBRA STREISAND!!! - looking about 35 years old.

Rosie: OH MY GOD!!! THAT’S….THAT’S…BARBRA STREISAND!!! BRABRA STREISAND IS DEAD???!!! WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN???!!!

A woman sitting next to her leans over to Rosie.

Woman: Honey, you must be new here. It’s not really the Barbra Streisand that you know on Earth. I mean it is, but it’s only a portion of Barbra’s soul.

Rosie: Huh??

Woman: We all send only a portion of our souls down to Earth. The rest of our souls stays here.

Rosie looks at her dumbfounded. The woman looks at Rosie’s expression and laughs.

Woman: I’ll explain after the concert. I don’t want to miss this.

They both turn back to the concert. Although Barbra is completely surrounded by audience members on all sides, every attendant can see her straight-on no matter where he or she is seated in the circular arena. Barbara is singing “What Are You Doing The Rest Of Your Life?” Even though she isn’t using a microphone, her voice is heard loud and clear from every part of the arena.

[CLICK HERE to hear “What Are You Doing The Rest Of Your Life?” on Free Napster! (Your Pop-Up Blocker Must Be Turned Off)]

Barbra concludes the song and there is thunderous applause. Rosie stands up and applauds her effusively, with tears in her eyes.

Rosie: FANTASTIC!!! BARBRA!!!

The applause diminishes.

Barbra: Thank you ladies and gentlemen. So kind..

Rosie: BARBRA, YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL!!!

Barbra: I think we need a little change of mood, don’t you think?

The area immediately surrounding the arena turns into night, with a sky full of stars. The light from each person appears even brighter. The stage is alit from the glow from Barbra’s body and clothing. The area beyond the arena remains in daylight.

Rosie: Wow, that’s so cool. (shouting) BARBRA, IT’S ME, ROSIE!!! YOUR NUMBER ONE FAN!!!

Everyone turns to look at Rosie. Barbra looks up at the woman yelling from her seat.

Barbra: Rosie?? The Earth-Rosie?? Oh my God! What are you doing here??? You’re not supposed to be back until…(she gasps) Oy! Ich vel dir geben a khamalye!

Rosie (to the woman next to her): What did she say??

Woman: She said, “I’m going to give you such a smack!”

Rosie: Oh….huh?? Barbra, I love you!

Barbra: I love you too, baby. But I’m kind of busy right now…so we’ll tawk later ok?

Rosie: Ok, I’m sorry.

Rosie takes her seat.

Barbra: Now ladies and gentlemen, tonight we have…

Rosie: Oh. (shouting) Barbra, do you know where my mother is??

Barbra: Oy, zi farmacht nit dos moyl…. Your mother??!! Rosie, honey, there is an old Jewish saying…”Klyne kinder kakn kleyne kutshes.”

There is laughter in the audience. Rosie leans over to the woman next to her.

Rosie: What did she say?

Woman: Little kids shit small turds.

Rosie: What?? What does that mean??

Barbra: Your kids, Rosie, your kids! OY!!!

Rosie stands up.

Rosie: But you didn’t answer my question, Barbra.

Barbra: Is this the audience participation part?? (Barbra smiles) I kind of have to get back to the concert, Rosie, but let me leave you with this thought. It’s a yiddish proverb: “If a link is broken, the whole chain breaks.” Think on it, Rosie. Now…ladies and the gentleman…I apologize for the interruption, but we have a suprise for you this evening. You know how rare it is to hear them sing on stage…

The crowd gasps. Rosie sits down, thinking about what Barbra told her.

Barbra: Yes, all the way from the angelic realm, to perform for us this evening, the angel Gabrielle!!!

Barbra gestures towards the middle of the arena as she moves off-stage to take her seat. A incredibly bright glow of white light begins to form in the middle of the stage…

(to be continued)…

With everyone surrounding her, some standing over her, Rosie O’Donnell sits up.

Rosie: Oh god, that was a doozie..hehe. That was quite a fall huh? Good thing I have a lot of padding.

Rosie slaps her buttocks. She sees everyone crying.

Rosie: Hey…what are you guys crying about? I’m all right!

Rosie stands up.

Rosie: See? I didn’t even get a scrape!

Everyone - Paris Hilton, Kathy Griffin, Joy Behar, Oprah, Gayle King, Lynette, Helene, Janette, and Alec Baldwin - continues to look down, crying and mourning, not hearing Rosie.

Rosie: What is the matter with all of you? What are you looking at??

She sees a body on the ground from which she had just arisen.

Rosie: Who’s that? I didn’t know there was another big girl in our group. Hehe…thank God I am no longer the fattest one!

Rosie approaches the body. Her eyes widen with horror at her realization.

Rosie: OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!! THAT….THAT….THAT’S ME!!! BUT IT CAN’T BE!!!

She looks down and touches her body. She reaches to touch Kathy Griffin’s shoulder but her hand passes right through it.

Rosie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT I AM….THAT I AM…….(she cries)……..THAT BIG!!!

A vortex opens up near her. She looks into it with awe.

Rosie: There’s a light…

No sooner had she said it when she is sucked into the vortex.

Rosie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

She tumbles through the dark tunnel towards a piercingly bright white light in the distance.

Rosie: I’m…going…to…be…sick!!! How…do…I…stop…spin…ing???!!!

Suddenly, she lands on something soft with a thud. Rosie finds herself in a green meadow with wild flowers and rolling hills. The sky is a brilliant blue and the colors around her are vivid and alive in the most extraordinary way in that they come out at you. There is light everywhere, emanating from everything, and yet, there is no sun in the sky.

Rosie: I’ve never seen such colors…

She reaches out to touch a flower but she is interrupted by the sight of a short, stout, bald little man who looks a lot like Danny DeVito, running towards her from the bottom of a nearby hill.

Little Man: Oh no, no, no, no, no, no!!! No, you don’t!!!

Rosie: What? I wasn’t going to pick it.

Little Man: YOU are not allowed here!

Rosie: Hey, it’s not like I had a choice. I saw the light and it just sucked me in.

He pushes Rosie towards the vortex that’s still open.

Little Man: No, you have to go back! It’s not your time yet!

Rosie: Whoa, whoa, little man. Quit pushin’. Looks nice here…

He pushes Rosie even harder towards the vortex; she resists him.

Little Man: YOU HAVE TO GO BACK BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!

Rosie: Did anyone ever tell you that you’re overcompensating for your stature or lack of…? Who are you anyway??

Little Man: I am your spirit guide. And you have to go back NOW! You still have Earthly business to take care of!

Rosie: Well, can’t I just stay awhile, for a visit maybe? There’s someone I’d like to see.

Little Man: No, you can’t! Now go back!!!

The vortex closes.

Little Man: OH NO!!! NO NO NO!!! THIS IS NOT GOOD!!! MY GUIDE IS NOT GOING TO LIKE THIS!!!

Rosie: Dude, you need to chill. With you as my spirit guide, no wonder I continue to be a pushy loud-mouth.

Little Man: Rosie, believe me, being your guide is being offered as a capstone course on patience.

Rosie: Hey, are you supposed to speak to me like that??

Little Man: Now, I am going to have to appeal to higher authorities to open another tunnel to get you back.

Rosie: All right, whatever. Just give me enough time to find my…

The Little Man turns and spins in place, and fades away.

Rosie: Hey, what’s your name anyway?!

Little Man’s voice echoes…”Just call me Danny…cause I know you think I look like someone you know on Earth. I’ll be back…bye for now.”

Rosie: Bye! Don’t hurry back. Oy. Figures my spirit guide would be obnoxious.

Rosie looks around the meadow. She takes a deep breath.

Rosie (to herself): Yeah, go down some lemon cielos while you’re gone. Maybe you’ll grate a lot less on my nerves.

Little Man’s voice “I can still hear you, O’Donnell.”

Rosie rolls her eyes and walks in a random direction.

Rosie (to herself): Wow! Look at this place. Beauuuuuteefull!! I wonder who cuts the grass. It must be one hell of a landscaping bill. Hmmmm. Now how am I supposed to find my mother? Ugh…I should have asked that midget. I thought all your loved ones were supposed to come greet you. I bet he totally fucked it up for me.

Little Man’s voice: “Well, you’re not supposed to be dead! And you can’t say that word around here!”

Rosie: OH WILL YOU JUST CAN IT AND MOVE ALONG!!! GEEZ, IS THERE NO PRIVACY IN THIS PLACE???!!!

Rosie walks on.

Rosie (to herself): Gives a hellish new meaning to “Can you hear me now?” …Maybe if I just think of her, she’ll appear…(she closes her eyes and concentrates) Mom, mom, mom….

No one appears.

Rosie (to herself): Wait a minute, why am I walking? Don’t people fly around here?? I wonder if I can…

At that thought, Rosie shoots high into the sky.

Rosie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! STOP!!!

She suddently stops ascending and floats in mid-air.

Rosie: THIS IS FANTASTIC!!! Now…TAKE ME TO MY MOTHER!!!

She begins to move towards one direction and accelerates in flight. Rosie turns her neck to look at her back.

Rosie: LOOK MA!!! NO WINGS!!! YIPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

Rosie flys off into the distance, in search of her mother.

(to be continued)…