Producer: Rosie, the network wants to go to commercial first!

Rosie: Tell those damn suits to hold it!

Paris: All right ladies, let’s do it!

Paris rips off her prison uniform, shirt and pants, revealing her sexy black dress underneath. A group of women take their positions on the floor and Paris moves to the front and center. The rest of the inmates sit back down in the back to watch.

Paris: HIT IT!

An inmate presses the ‘play’ button on a large boom box. Madonna’s ‘American Life’ [original lyrics revised] plays. Rosie stands off to the side, obviously delighted there is going to be a musical dance number. The cameras are repositioned for full coverage of the performance.

[click here to hear Madonna’s ‘American Life’ with the original lyrics at Free Napster!]

Inmates (singing):
Do I have to change my aim?
Am I just a falling star?
Should I use my fame?
Please don’t hate me from afar.

Paris and the group of inmates begin their dance.

Paris (singing):
I tried to be a boy
I tried to be a girl
I tried to be a mess
I tried to be the best
I guess I did it wrong
That’s why I wrote this song
This type of modern life - Is it for me?
This type of modern life - Is it for free?

Rosie dances in place, enjoying the musical number.

Paris (singing):
So, I went into a bar looking for sympathy
A little company - I tried to find a friend
It’s more easily said it’s always been the same
This type of modern life -Is not for me?
This type of modern life -Is not for free?

Paris moves close to the camera for a close-up for this next part and throws a sultry look at the camera.

Paris (singing):
American life

Inmates (singing):
American Life

Paris (singing):
I live the American dream

Inmates (singing):
American Dream

Paris (singing):
You are the best thing I’ve seen
You are not just a dream

Inmates (singing):
American Life

She rejoins the dancers. They encircle her in a dance as she solos seductively in the middle. The inmates watching get up from their seats and dance in place. The prison guards are also enjoying this musical interlude and they also begin to dance in place.

Paris (singing):
I tried to stay ahead,
I tried to stay on top
I tried to play the part
But somehow I forgot
Just what I did it for
And why I wanted more
This type of modern life - Is it for me?
This type of modern life - Is it for free?

The inmates lift Paris up and rotate her slowly as she maintains a provocative pose.

Inmates (singing):
Do I have to change my aim?
Am I just a falling star?
Should I use my fame?
Please don’t hate me from afar.

They carry her towards the camera as she sings coyly to it.

Paris (singing):
American life

Inmates (singing):
American Life

Paris (singing):
I live the American dream

Inmates (singing):
American Dream

Paris (singing):
You are the best thing I’ve seen (she touches the head of one woman adoringly)
You are not just a dream (she caresses the face of another woman affectionately)

They carry her away from the camera and move her around the room.

Inmates (singing):
American Life
American Life

They set her down on a long table. She crawls towards the camera on all fours as the others dance on either side of the table. Paris sings passionately into the camera, venting her frustrations.

Paris (singing):
I tried to be a boy!
I tried to be a girl!
I tried to be a mess!
I tried to be the best!
I tried to find a friend!
I tried to stay ahead!
I tried to stay on top!
Fuck it!

She gets to the end of the table and stands up to dance on top of it. The others dance below her.

Inmates (singing):
Do I have to change my aim?
Am I just a falling star?
Should I use my fame?
Please don’t hate me from afar.

Paris jumps off the table with their assistance and stands front and center of the dancers for the exchange.

Inmates (singing):
Uh!

Paris (singing):
Fuck it!

Inmates (singing):
Uh!

Paris (singing):
Fuck it!

Inmates (singing):
Uh!

Paris (singing):
Fuck it!

Inmates (singing):
Uh!

Paris (singing):
Fuck it!

For Paris’ rap solo, she leads the dance in unison, moving in on the camera. She puts on a raw and tough expression.

Paris (rapping):
I’m kissin a boy hotty
He loves that I’m a snotty
He goes deep into my botty
I feel like I’m crucified

I spend my million money
But I ain’t got no honey
I just feel kinda crummy
And I’m never satisfied

I walk the road of fame
But it is so fucking lame
I just cry with tears of shame
And I’m never satisfied

This world has become so sick
The White House tenant’s a dick
We need a Prez who’s a chick
And then I’ll be satisfied

I got a lawyer and a manager, an agent and a chef
Three nannies, an assistant and a driver and a jet
A trainer and a butler and a bodyguard or five
A gardener and a stylist, do you think I’m satisfied?
I’d like to express my extreme point of view
I’m not a Christian and I’m not a Jew
I’m just livin’ out the American dream
And I just realized that nothin’ is what it seems

Paris motions to Rosie to join her. Rosie runs enthusiastically over to Paris and they both dance together in the middle of the dancers.

Paris (singing):
Do I have to change my aim?

An inmate pushes the cart with the cake over to where Paris and Rosie are dancing.

Paris (singing):
Am I just a falling star?

Paris signals to other inmates with her eyes. The dancing inmates nod in confirmation.

Paris (singing):
Do I have to change my aim?

The prison guards are dancing with the inmates and in the heat of the dance, their guard is completely down.

Paris (singing):
Am I just a falling star?

Paris (singing):
Do I have to change my aim?

Producer: Rosie, can we go to commercial now?

Rosie and Paris: NO!!!

Rosie: Not on your life!

Rosie and Paris dance to the music near the end of the song. Paris gives the final signal and plunges her hand into the cake and removes a pistol. She cocks it and fires a shot into the ceiling. The music stops. The inmates disarm the prison guards they were dancing with.

Paris (screaming): NO ONE MAKES A MOVE OR THE BIG LESBO GETS IT!

All the large inmates not involved in the insurgence duck behind their chairs.

Paris (yelling at the those inmates): NOT YOU!

Rosie: PARIS!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING???!!!

Rosie moves towards the cake but Paris grabs her and thrusts the pistol in her neck.

Paris: I MEANT ROSIE! ANYBODY MAKES A SUDDEN MOVE AND ROSIE GETS IT!

The two cameras are focused on Paris and Rosie.

Rosie (shocked): YOU RUINED A PERFECTLY GOOD CAKE!!!

Rosie removes cake remnants from the gun pointed at her neck.

Rosie: Mmmm, Martha’s outdone herself…a shame.

Rosie tries to remove more cake pieces from the gun.

Paris: Stop it Rosie.

Rosie: Sorry.

A guard grabs her gun back from an inmate and aims it at Paris.

Guard: DROP IT PARIS!

Paris: I’LL BLOW HER FUCKING HEAD OFF, CARMELLA! I SWEAR I WILL!!!

Rosie (teary): PARIS!!! I’M SORRY ABOUT THE GED COMMENT! REALLY I AM!

Paris: SHUT IT!

Rosie continues to lick her finger.

Guard: DON’T BE STUPID PARIS! DROP YOUR WEAPON AND STEP AWAY FROM THE LESBO!!!

Helene points her rifle at the guard’s head.

Helene: You drop it. Hand it over, Carmella!

The guard relents and the inmate takes back the gun. Without warning, a shot is fired at Paris from the balcony of the second level but it misses her. Janette returns fire and wounds the guard in the leg. The guard falls to the floor of the balcony and screams in pain.

Helene: Nice shot Janette!

Janette: Who was that?

Helene: I think that was Rachel.

Janette: Rachel, is that you?!

Rachel screams.

Janette: Are you all right?!

Rachel: You shot me bitch! How the fuck do you think I am???!!!

Janette: Sorry!

Rosie: WILL YOU GUYS WATCH THE LANGUAGE??? WE’RE STILL LIVE!!!

Paris: Someone will take care of you soon, Rachel. Just keep the pressure on that leg!

Several guards enter the room with arms from both entrances on opposite sides of the room. The insurgents point their guns at them.

Paris (to the guards): STAY BACK OR I’LL BLOW HER FUCKING HEAD OFF!!!

The guards stop where they are.

Rosie (on the verge of tears): PARIS, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS???!!! YOU’RE BEING RELEASED TODAY!!! AND WILL YOU PLEASE STOP CURSIN’???!!!

Paris, Lynette, Helene, Janette: SHUT IT!

More armed guards enter the room and the insurgents are completely surrounded.

Paris (to the guards): You all heard me just now on TV. I am sure all of you have suffered at the hands of men. I want you to lower your weapons and join us!

Guard: This is not the solution Paris!

Paris: We have to end the bloody tyranny of men!

Guard: You can’t fight violence with more violence - you just get more of it!

Paris: Shit! I have to negotiate with fucking Gandhi here!

Rosie: Hey, I am impressed that you know of him. That’s pretty good for a GED, BUT WILL YOU PLEASE STOP CURSIN’???!!!

Paris and All Insurgents: SHUT IT!!!

Helene (worried): What now Paris?

Paris looks out the window anxiously, searching.

Producer (desperately): CAN YOU GUYS PLEASE JUST HOLD EVERYTHING FOR A FEW MINUTES SO THAT WE CAN GO TO COMMERCIAL???!!!

Everyone: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

The producer walks away dejected. The tension in the room is overwhelming. Suddenly, they hear helicopters approaching from the distance. They all turn to look out the window.

Paris (excitedly): MOOPS!

All the inmates gasp.

Inmates (breathlessly): MOOPS!

Rosie: MOOPS?

They all watch through the windows as two Apache helicopters approach the building.

Paris (screaming at the top of her lungs): DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(to be continued)…