Paris Hilton, Rosie O’Donnell, the television crew, the inmates, and the prison guards all run for cover. Two black Apache helicopter approach the common room of Century Regional Detention Center. A missle is launched from one of the helicopters and strikes the wall of the common room. The ensuing explosion destroys the entire wall, creating a large exit to the outside world. As the dust settles, we see that the inmates have all wound up on top of the guards, as if they had deliberately tackled them while seeking cover. Paris, who has wound up on top of Rosie, gets up. Rosie tries to rise but doesn’t quite make it on her feet. The cameramen are unconscious with their damaged cameras on the floor.

Paris (commanding): All right, let’s go MOOPs! We’re outta here! Move it!

The insurgents run for the streets, carrying arms with them. Outside, several motorbikes have pulled up to the curb, driven by both women and men in black leather and helmuts.

Rosie (despondent): Oh god, my first exclusive live interview and I totally blew it.

Paris helps Rosie up.

Paris: Come on Rosie…

Rosie: This is a disaster twice the scale of Geraldo’s ‘Al Capone vault’ debacle. Barbara Walters must be laughing her ass off at me right now.

Paris: …we have to get out of here fast!

Rosie: What??!! I’m not going anywhere with you!!

Paris (grabbing her): Oh yes you are, Rosie!

Rosie: No honey, you see, the show’s over. My humiliation is complete!

Paris: The revolution’s just begun and you’re joining us!

Rosie resists her pull. Lynette, Janette, and Helene watch them impatiently.

Rosie (shaking her finger at Paris): Don’t you get all high falutin’ on me, Paris Hilton, ’cause I’m very mad at you!

Paris: Janette, Helene, get to your bikes.

They nod and reluctantly leave her.

Rosie: …You not only destroyed my interview but (blubbering) you wasted that beautiful, delicious cake Martha made especially. Don’t you know she’ll never forgive me for that! I mean, she gives me the evil-eye silent treatment just for screwing up her decoupage!

Paris: Don’t worry about her, Rosie, I can assure you. (indicating at Rosie)…Lynette!

Lynette picks Rosie up and lifts her above her head with ease.

Rosie: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh put me down, you dyke-zilla!!!

One of the guards recovers and reaches for her gun, only to find that it has been taken. She reaches for the holster of a guard lying on the floor but her gun is missing too. All their guns have been taken. The guard tries to grab Paris but she slugs her in the face and she goes down.

Paris (to Lynette): All right, let’s go.

Rosie: Put me down!!! Hey, you! (to one of the guards recovering) Will you guys get off your asses and do something??!! I’m being kidnapped by lesbians on testosterone overdose here!

The guard reaches for her gun.

Rosie: Forget the gun, you idiot! They took’em all!

The guard grabs a security stick and threatens Lynette with with it. Paris tries to get her gun but she can’t find it in the midst of the rubble.

Guard: Put her down, Lynette!

Lynette: Don’t even try it, Lucy, ’cause I’ll use her (indicating Rosie) as a weapon and believe me, you don’t want to be crushed under her.

Rosie (to Lynette): Hey, if you want to go down that path, I can go crazy too, Chewbacca!!

Paris jumps in front of Lynette and takes a martial arts stand against the guard.

Paris: Haaaaaaaaaaaaah YA!

The guard repeatedly swings at Paris with the security stick from all different angles and Paris ducks with amazing speed and agility. The guard pulls on both ends of his stick and it turns into a nunchuk. She swings the new weapon at Paris. In response, Paris jumps and dances around the attack swings, kicking and karate-chopping the guard in a slick, professional martial arts form. Other guards jump into the fray with their nunchuks but Paris increases her rate of kicks and karate-chops with unbelievable accuracy and skill.

Rosie: You learned all this in just 20 days?? Do the MOOPs have a weight-loss program??

More guards with nunchuks attack Paris. Paris manages to grab one of the nunchuks and uses it in her defense. The attacks grow more numerous and soon, Paris is close to being overwhelmed.

Rosie (to the guards): Um…I don’t know much about martial arts, and I’m totally on your side, but don’t you think this is kind of an unfair fight??

Suddenly, three motorbikes burst into the room! Paris does a high somersault, jumping out of the way of motorists as they they ram and kick the guards, throwing them several feet away and rendering incapacitated. Lynette throws Rosie onto the back of one bike and it immediately speeds away.

Rosie: You were going to be released today, Paris! I don’t understaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand!!!

[MUSIC CUE: FADE IN Madonna’s ‘Hung Up’ - click here to hear the song at Free Napster!]

Lynette jumps onto the back of another bike. Paris lands perfectly onto the back of the third bike.

Paris (patting the back of the driver): Let’s go!

The two motorbikes race out of the detention facility, following the bike carrying Rosie.

Outside, the two black Apache helicopters are circling the complex to protect the remaining insurgents as they escape by motorbikes. One of the helicopters fire upon the ground near police officers who were shooting at inmates escaping on motorcycles. The officers run for cover from the machine gun fire. Several police cars are disabled with tires blown out by the Apaches. Police sirens are blaring. Martha Stewart is seen piloting one of the helicopters descending towards Paris’ motorbike entourage. Rosie looks up and sees Martha smiling at her from the helicopter. The helicopter is black and unmarked, except for a pink monkey insignia on its side with the word ‘MOOPs’ written across it.

Rosie: OH MY GOD!!! IS THAT MARTHA STEWART UP THERE???!!!

The motorcyle driver hands Rosie a cell phone.

Rosie: Hello?

Martha: Hi Rosie!

Rosie: Martha Stewart! Is that you up in the helicopter??!!

Martha: Oh yes it is I, Rosie. But it’s ‘Martha Kostyra’ now. I’ve dropped my married name.

Rosie: You’re a MOOPs??!!

Martha: Given my history with the men in my life and the SEC, does that surprise you??

Rosie (cringing): Martha, I’m sorry about the…

Martha: Don’t worry about the cake, Rosie. I’ll make another one…just for you….for being such a trooper…whoops…I have to go…gotta take care of some cops coming your way! Just hang on tight!

Martha hangs up.

Rosie (to herself): Like I have a choice??

Martha (via megaphone): Welcome back to life in the fast lane, Paris!

Paris looks up at Martha and gives her a thumbs-up and a smile.

Martha (via megaphone): I’ll see you guys at the rendevous. You were all just perfect!

Martha pulls the helicopter away from them and heads for a cadre of police cars racing towards the motorbikes. Martha fires upon their tires with the Apache’s machine gun, disabling more police cars. Another bevy of police cars head towards them from another direction. The second Apache helicopter descends and blow out their tires with a burst of machine gun shots. The pilot of the helicopter lets out a shout of exhilaration over the megaphone as it flies over the motorbikes.

Pilot (via megaphone): Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!

Rosie looks up and sees Tom Cruise piloting the second MOOPs Apache helicopter.

Rosie (excitedly): TOMMY???!!! IS THAT MY TOMMY???!!!

The cell phone in Rosie’s hand rings. She answers it.

Rosie: Tommy???!!!

Tom: Hey Rosie, how’s your day going so far??

Rosie: IT TOTALLY SUCKS!!!

Tom: You didn’t think you would be doing this when you rolled out of bed today, now did ya? (he laughs)

Rosie: IT’S SO NOT FUNNY, TOMMY! GET ME OFF THIS THING!!!

Tom: Now Rosie, I need you to be brave for awhile. I want you to trust us - we’re the MOOPs! (Tom makes a fist in the air)

Rosie: Aw, nuts, not you, too!

Tom: We’re going to have a New World Order soon! And you’re gonna love it!

Rosie: You should have stuck with Scientology, Tommy! The people in this cult are even more whacked out!

Tom laughs.

Tom: Rosie, I love ya, and I can’t wait to see you all later!

Rosie: Where???

Tom: Bye Rosie!

Rosie: …Wait!

Tom hangs up.

Rosie (to the driver): DAMN IT! Why didn’t anyone tell me about all this beforehand??? It’s not like I can’t keep a secret!…well I can for a few days at least!

Tom (via megaphone): Paris, you guys are clear for now. Better split up.

Paris salutes him. He salutes her back.

Tom (via megaphone): Outstanding job ladies. See you at the rendevous. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaa!!!

Tom flies away and joins Martha. The two Apache helicopters fly off. The three motorbikes separate and wind their way through the streets of LA. Soon, a pair of police motorbikes is on the tail of Paris, Lynette, and Rosie. The cops shoot at each of them from behind.

Paris stands on the seat of her motorbike and does a back flip and lands on the backseat of the lead police bike in pursuit. She struggles with the officer over his gun and tosses him off his bike, but retains his gun. She takes the gun and blows out the tire of the 2nd police bike. The police motorbike crashes. Paris catches up with her motorist and jumps back onto the motorbike and speeds off. People on the streets stop and watch, some chanting, “MOOPs, MOOPs, MOOPs!!!”

Lynette’s motorist reduces its speed drastically so that in a split second, it is moving right alongside one of the police motorbikes. Before the cop can re-direct his gun, Lynette slaps it out of the cop’s hand. The cop screams in pain from the violent slap. With one arm, Lynette picks up the cop off his motorbike and throws him onto the other cop on the motorbike. Both cops crash onto the asphalt. People on the street raise their fists and chant “MOOPs, MOOPs, MOOPs!!!”

Rosie calls out for help to the two cops in pursuit of the motorbike she’s on. The lead cop closes in on her bike as Rosie reaches out to the cop with her hand. Suddenly, a car door opens and both police motorists slam into it. The woman jumps out of the car and yells, “MOOPs, MOOPs, MOOPs!!!” She is joined by other pedestrians in the chant. Rosie’s motorbike races on.

Rosie: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[FADE OUT Madonna’s ‘Hung Up’]

Barbara is sitting in her den watching the live broadcast of Paris’ prison breakout. She turns off the television. She has been drinking - there are two glasses on the coffee table. Upset by what she just saw, Barbara pounds on the coffee table with her fist.

Barbara: How could they have known it was her? We took every precaution.

Man (off screen): But now that the MOOPs have her, will we be able to fight them? She is the last piece of the puzzle they need.

Barbara: Our baby! (she wimpers)

The man puts his arms around her, comforting her.

Man: Why didn’t we just whisk her away?

Barbara: I didn’t think the MOOPs would find her.

Man: Now what do we do?

Barbara: Contact the MIPs. I am not giving her up without a fight.

Man: War?

Barbara: Armageddon!

We pull back and see that the man comforting Barbara Walters is Donald Trump!

(to be continued)…