It’s early evening and the motorbike carrying Rosie pulls into the garage of a private house in a East Los Angeles suburb. Rosie jumps off and moves towards the garage door.

Rosie: Thanks for the lift - it’s been swell. Hehe…I have to say it’s the first time that I have been so physically close to another woman and not enjoyed it.

Biker: Rosie, wait.

The biker removes her helmut and reveals herself. It’s Kathy Griffin!

Rosie: AAAAAHHH!!! Oh no, not you too. This is like the ‘Invasion of the Body Snatchers’…

Kathy: How can you not be interested in joining the MOOPs?!

Rosie: …and you’re another one infected by the MOOPs cooties!!!

Kathy: I thought you’d be thrilled about the MOOPs movement.

Rosie: I am so nauseous from the bikeride right now that all I can think of is some bowel movement. Where’s the bathroom?

Kathy: It’s through there (she points at the door at one side of the garage).

Rosie makes for the bathroom. Kathy follows her.

Kathy: Come on Rosie, don’t you want to end this insane cycle of war?

Rosie: I do. But I also have a wife and four kids to take care of. I’ll leave these delusions of grandeur and suicide missions to singletons like you.

Rosie finds the bathroom and steps in.

Kathy: We have a very real plan. I thought you would jump at the chance of joining us.

Rosie: Honey, I’ll cut you guys a check, minus the costs of my production expenses for the interview. That’s the extent of my contribution.

Rosie tries to close the bathroom door but Kathy puts her foot in the door-frame.

Kathy: I am really disappointed in you, Rosie. You have no vision!

Rosie: Vision?! You guys have a pink monkey as your insignia! Get a better logo and then we’ll talk!

Rosie kicks her foot away and slams the bathroom door.

Kathy (shouting through the door): It’s a Bonobo -a primate characterized by a matriarchal and egalitarian culture. It represents the primary values by which the MOOPs want to restructure our world.

Rosie (through the bathroom door): It’s a PINK MONKEY!!! People will think you’re advocating gay rights for animals! Now can I have some goddamn privacy??!!

Kathy: Well, I think it’s kinda cute!

Kathy stamps her foot in frustration and walks back to the garage. Janette and Helene enter the hallway from another part of the house.

Janette: Kathy Griffin??!!

Helene: Omigod!!!

Kathy: You must be Janette and Helene!

Helene: I’m Helene, and I am such a fan, you have no idea!

They hug.

Kathy: Refreshing to hear these words coming from someone other than a gay man. Thank you and congratulations! You guys made it! Welcome to the MOOPs!

Helene: Thanks Ms. Griffin!

Kathy: ‘Kathy’, please.

Janette: We are so grateful for today, Ms…I mean, Kathy.

Kathy: You should be happy to know that I have been getting word (she taps the radio in her bike helmut) that many of your fellow inmates have made it to waystations like this and are safely on their way to the rendevous point.

Helene and Janette are exuberant.

Janette (clapping): This is so great!

Helene (overlapping): We are so excited to be part of this!

Kathy: Where’s Paris?

Helene: She hasn’t arrived yet.

Another bike pulls into the garage.

Janette: Maybe that’s her.

Kathy: Why does she always have to be so fashionably late, damn it!

They walk out to the garage to see Lynette arriving on the back of a motorcyle. The driver removes her helmut and it’s Joy Behar!

Joy: Hey guys.

Kathy: You made it!

Wincing, Joy slowly dismounts from her bike.

Joy: Oy, I haven’t had to straddle anything for so long since my wedding night.

Kathy: Paris hasn’t arrived yet.

Joy: So what? That girl has been late more times than all the pubescent girls at my Catholic school.

Lynette (opens her arms to Helene and Janette): Come here girls!! We did it!!!

Helen and Janette run into her arms, and the three of them jump and shout with glee.

Joy: Easy, easy…

Kathy (overlapping): Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Joy: …you’re going to make me think this is a sorority and I’ll start menstruating again. Where’s Rosie?

Kathy: Bathroom.

Joy: Good idea. I need to pee so bad. I knew I should have worn my Depends for these long road trips.

They all head inside. Joy leads the group and knocks on the bathroom door.

Joy: Rosie?

Rosie doesn’t answer. She knocks on the door again

Joy: Rosie?? It’s Joy.

She twists the door handle but it’s locked.

Joy: House rule #1. Never lock a post-menopausal woman who needed to pee six hot flashes ago out of a bathroom - not if you want to keep the door in one piece.

Kathy: What’s with you and the post-menopausal jokes?

Joy: How old are you?

Kathy: Do I have to answer that?

Joy looks her over.

Joy: Ask me why in a couple of years.

Kathy rolls her eyes at her. Joy pounds on the door but there is no answer. Joy signals to Lynette to ‘do her thing’. Lynette kicks the bathroom door open. Rosie is gone. A window is left open, indicating the way by which she escaped.

Joy: Oh this is so like Rosie - baling out on people.

Kathy: And there wasn’t even a political smackdown.

Joy: Oh well, if she ain’t into it, she ain’t into it. (to Lynette) Just like you can never get me to speak your ‘cunning language’, if you get my drift.

Lynette: That’s what they all say at the start of their sentence, until a week later. For some (moving closer into Joy and eyeballing her)…it takes just a few days.

Joy and Lynette lock eyes in a stare-down. Joy flinches and a nervous tick flashes across her face.

Meanwhile, Rosie is climbing over property fences, making her way over to the next house in the dark of the evening. She rings the doorbell, keeping her head down and a watch for anyone who might come out of the MOOPs house. No one answers the door. She tries the next house over and a man answers the door.

Man: Yes?

Rosie: Hi, you’re not going to believe this, but I’m Rosie O’Donnell, I have been kidnapped by these crazy lesbians, and I need to use your phone to call the police.

Man: Yeah, and I am Donald Trump. And you’re right, I don’t believe you.

Rosie: No, really, I am Rosie O’Donnell.

Man: I don’t have time for this shit. First of all, if you WERE Rosie O’Donnell, you wouldn’t be complaining about being kidnapped by lesbians - if only I were so lucky! And secondly, next time you want to impersonate a hefer, try to put on more weight!

Rosie: What??!!…

Man: Get the hell out of here and go park yourself at Dunkin Donuts or some place!

He moves to close the door.

Rosie: Wait! TV makes you look fatter…

He slams the door on her.

Rosie (to herself): Well, that’s the best thing that happened to me all day.

Rosie tries the next house - she rings the doorbell and waits. As she waits, she notices a motorcyle parked in the driveway of the house next door. No one answers the doorbell. She moves steathily to the motorcyle next door and tries to find the ignition keys but to no avail. In the search, she finds a gun in a holster strapped to the bike. A scream and a crash is heard inside the house. Rosie moves to the window of the house and is shocked to see a bloody Alec Baldwin lying on the floor inside. Paris is being held at gunpoint by a man while a second man kicks Alec back down as he tries to get up.

Man1: These movie stars are just a bunch of pussies.

Man2: Speaking of pussies, it’s time for us to get some celebrity pussy, man!

Paris: Please, let us go. We didn’t mean to come here. You know I have money - a lot of money.

Man2: Oh I know you do, sweetheart. I also know you’re just a common whore despite all that wealth! But fucking is the great equalizer. Cause when I’m in there sweetheart, it doesn’t matter how rich or poor I am, does it?

Paris takes a martial arts stance.

Paris: I can defend myself.

Man2: Oh I’m sure you can, little girl. But if you even so much as scratch me, my friend here will put a bullet through your head and then it would be…

Man1: Necrophilia time!

Man2: Harley, you are just one sick individual…

They both laugh. Man2 moves towards Paris. The doorbell rings.

Man1: I’ll see who that is. Make sure she doesn’t move a muscle.

Man1 moves to the front door. A patio chair crashes through a window and Rosie points a gun at the man holding Paris at gunpoint.

Rosie: Drop your gun, asshole!!!

Rosie’s gun is shaking from nerves. Man2 smirks at her.

Man2: You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

Man1: Is that Rosie O’Donna?

Man2: It sure is. I just saw her making a fool of herself on tv.

Man1: Looks like we hit celebrity jackpot tonight!

Rosie: I mean it. Drop your gun or I’ll shoot!

Man2: Oh! Does this (indicating his gun) bother you?

Man2 stuffs his gun down the front of his pants and moves towards her.

Man2: You know, I think you would enjoy seeing Paris getting fucked.

Her gun shakes violently as she hyperventilates from sheer terror and adrenaline. Man2 moves closer to her.

Rosie: Don’t come any closer!

Man1: Maybe she’d like to get in on the action…you know…some girl-on-girl action!

Man2: It’s more like hog-on-girl action.

Man1: That’s bestiality, man!

The two men laugh.

Man2: Now, you wouldn’t dare shoot me, would ya? I mean, I’m not pointing my gun at you or anythin…

Man2 continues to move slowly towards her and waving his hands in the air.

Rosie: Don’t come any closer!! Or I WILL shoot you!!

Man1: She can’t shoot you! She’s a liberal bitch…

Man2: Shoot me?? Naaaaaaa…you don’t want to do that! That would be murder!!! That would be against your liberal sensibilites - killin a defenseless man. Now give me that nasty, nasty thing in your hand. Hey, you want some coke, huh?

Rosie: Stop where you are!!

Man2 moves within a few feet of her.

Man2: …some meth?? We’ve got lots here. We can all have a hell of a good time. Come on…

Rosie: NO!!!

Man2 reaches out to her gun. Rosie takes a step back and fires, shooting Man2 right in the chest. Man1 panics and runs out the front door and down the block. Paris runs up to the body of Man2 and confirms that he is dead.

Paris: Rosie! My God! Get in here before someone sees you!

Rosie is frozen with shock. Front lights on neighboring houses flick on. Paris rushes to Alec and tends to him. Bleeding from the nose, Alex regains consciousness and some strength.

Paris: Rosie! Get in here!

Neighbors begin to filter out of their houses slowly. Rosie remains frozen, pointing the gun in the air and staring at the man she just killed. Paris runs out the front door to bring her in.

Neighbor1: My God, isn’t that Paris Hilton?…and…

Neighhbor2: Is that Rosie O’Donnell? With a gun??

Neighhbor3: I think she shot somebody.

Neighbor1: Rosie O’Donnell just killed someone! Call the police!

Paris takes the gun from Rosie and is about to reenter the house with her when two cars pull up, one of which is driven by Kathy.

Kathy: Get in the car! Where’s Alec?!

Joy runs out and helps Paris bring Rosie into the car.

Paris: He’s inside - he’s hurt.

Lynette and Helene get out of the other car driven by Janette and run into the house. Joy and Paris seat Rosie inside the car and get in themselves. Joy sits in the front passenger seat, while Paris and Rosie are seated in the back.

Rosie (overlapping): Ble..ble…ble…semi-automatic…ble…ble…ble…

Joy: Poor thing, she’s in shock.

Kathy: What happened??!!

Paris holds Rosie.

Paris: Rosie shot this guy who was about to rape me. This other guy got away.

Kathy: Shit! Is he dead?

Rosie (overlapping): Ble…ble…ble…NRA…ble…ble…ble…

Paris nods.

Kathy: What the fuck were you guys doing at this house?! (pointing her finger at Paris) Were you trying to put the moves on my man?!

Paris: No, we thought this was the base! They recognized me immediately and pulled a gun on us. I think it’s a drug dealer’s house.

Joy: Oh really?!

Kathy: Or in your pre-MOOPs life, your upscale shopping mall. Did you stop for a little stash - something for the road? Tell me the truth Paris or I’ll put you right back in that lesbian whorehouse they call the LA county jail!

Paris: No, stop it! I’m clean!

Kathy eyes Paris suspiciously.

Joy (looking at the house): Drug-house huh? (pause) Hey, I just realized something…

Kathy: Forget it Joy, you ain’t getting any freebies. It’s against MOOPs policy.

Joy: No, not that! (she slaps Kathy’s shoulder) Look at the house number.

Kathy looks at the house number.

Kathy: Oh! That idiot!

Lynette carries Alec out of the house with Helene’s assistance. They help him get inside the other car.

Kathy (yelling at Alec): It’s ‘27′ Southside, not ‘21′, you idiot!

Alec: Well, your handwriting sucks! You write like a four-year old!

Kathy (unstrapping her seatbelt): Let me at him!

Rosie (overlapping): Ble…ble…ble…Second Amendment…ble…ble…ble…

Kathy tries to get out of the car to get at Alec but Joy stops her.

Joy: Kathy, come on, cut the guy a break! He was just attacked!

Kathy: Oh please, that’s nothing compared to what I already do to him on a daily basis. (to Alec) I ask you to do one thing and you screw it up!! You’re going to be thrown out of the ‘The Moops’ before you even finish your initiation!

Joy: There’s an initiation? I didn’t get one.

Kathy: There isn’t. It’s a sex thing between us. But don’t tell him.

Police sirens are heard in the distance. Kathy sees one of the bystanders, a man, eyeing her.

Kathy (to the bystander): What the hell are you looking at?? Isn’t there an internet porn you should be beating off to?!

Kathy takes her gun out and shoots it in the air. All the bystanders run back into their houses.

Kathy: Oh, if only I could have done that everytime I bombed at a gig.

Joy: Will you stop being so bitchy and let’s get going already?!

Kathy (to everyone): All right, everyone, let’s get a move on, because obviously Joy needs to pee again.

Joy (sighs): What did I get myself into? I should be at home picking up Steve’s toenail clippings.

Kathy: Oh Joy, you know you were enjoying too much domestic bliss doing that. It’s time for some real fun!

Rosie: Ble…ble…ble..Charlton Heston…ble…ble…ble…

Kathy (to Rosie): Oh, will you stop impersonating Elisabeth Hasselbeck already?? It’s so not nice.

Joy slaps Kathy on the shoulder.

Kathy: All right, let’s get the hell outta here before there’s another screwup from you fucking amateurs!!

Kathy burns the tires and both cars speed away.

(to be continued)…