Kathy Griffin is driving the car carrying Joy Behar, Rosie O’Donnell, and Paris Hilton. Paris has donned a dark wig and a pair of sunglasses, and she is virtually unrecognizable. Rosie, in contrast, is sporting on a blonde wig to conceal her identity. Following Kathy’s lead is Janette, driving a second car carrying Helene, Lynette, and Alec Baldwin. They are driving on a deserted highway somewhere in northern Arizona.

Joy: Where the heck are we going, Kathy?

Kathy: To the rendevous point.

Joy: Yes I know but where is it??

Kathy: Devil’s Tower, Wyoming.

Joy: Oh good God. Who are we rendevousing with? ET??

Kathy: Hmmmmm…

Joy: Who is the commander of the MOOPs anyway?

Kathy: I can’t say.

Joy: Why not?? Is it Martha Stewart?

Kathy: You’ll find out when we get there.

Joy: Please tell me it’s not a Republican, because if she is, I will egg her!

Kathy: Leave politics out of this, Joy. As women, we should all on the same team.

Joy: Yeah, let me get all chummy with Ann Coulter….NOT! (pause) Oh dear God, please tell me it’s not her! It better not be because I swear I will throw frozen embryos at that woman!

Kathy: Will you stop it?? You’ve been on ‘The View’ for so long now that anytime you find yourself in the company of four women, you shift into your staunch ‘political Hot Topics’ mode and start shooting liberal-estrogen out of your ears!

Joy: Sorry.

Pause.

Kathy: How’s our patient doing?

Paris looks at Rosie, who is still ‘out of it’ and not speaking or interacting.

Paris: Pretty much the same.

Joy: Let me try to snap her out of it. (speaking deliberately for Rosie’s sake): Oh Kathy, did you say that our high commander could be BARBRA STREISAND???

Rosie’s eyes begin to move.

Kathy: Oh, I think BARBRA STREISAND could definitely be our high commander.

Joy: Is she going to do a musical number when we get there?

Kathy: Why of course she is! I heard she is going to adapt some of her signature songs for the MOOPs!

Rosie makes eye contact with them.

Joy: Like “Send In The MOOPs”?

Kathy: Or “On A Clear Day, I Can See A MOOP”.

Joy: Or “A MOOP Is Born”.

Rosie: That wasn’t a song - it was just a theme to her movie.

Kathy and Joy exchange smiles over her recovery.

Paris: How about “MOOPs, I Did It Again”?

Kathy and Joy look at Paris contemptuously.

Paris: Well, I don’t know those songs you mentioned - they were before my time!

Joy: Don’t start with me, twinkie, or I will start singing ‘One Night in Paris’ to the tune of ‘One Night in Bangkok’!

Kathy (admonishingly): Joy…

Joy (to Rosie): Well, what other songs do you think she can adapt for the MOOPs?

Rosie: I don’t know. I don’t think she would waste her time with this nonsense.

Joy: Well, then who do you think the high commander could be, Rosie? Could it be Arianna Huffington? Jane Fonda??

Kathy: Maybe Hillary??

Rosie: OPRAH!!!

Joy: Nah, she’s too busy counting her money on her $55 million dollar estate and preaching humble values…

Rosie (pointing out the window): NO LOOK, IT’S OPRAH!!!

They all look out the window and see Oprah walking along the side of the highway with Gayle and two police officers.

Rosie: PULL OVER!!!

Kathy moves the car onto the shoulder and stops the car. Janette follows Kathy’s maneuver and stops her car behind Kathy’s. They all get out and watch as two male police officers escort Oprah and Gayle toward a police car, parked right behind Oprah’s car on the side of the highway. Rosie runs towards them, followed by her gang.

Rosie: Oprah!!! It’s me, Rosie!!!

Oprah squints, looking about thirty feet ahead of her, and recognizes them.

Oprah: Oh my God! That’s my girl!

Rosie: Boy, am I glad to see you, Oprah!!!

Oprah runs towards them. Rosie runs to her, opening her arms. However, Oprah runs right past her and right up to Paris, leaving behind a dejected Rosie.

Oprah (embracing Paris): You made it! You made it! I knew my girl would make it! Welcome to the MOOPs!

Kathy: Shhhhh, not so loud! You’ve got copers right on your tail here.

Rosie: Oh God, not you too, Oprah.

Oprah gives Rosie a dirty look. Rosie regrets her comment.

Paris: I couldn’t have done it without the help of my friends here. And thank you for all the encouraging letters, Oprah.

Oprah: You are going to be make me so proud.

Kathy: Oprah, what is going on here? Why are you two on the side of the highway and being escorted by these officers?

Oprah: It’s a…uh…complicated story.

Gayle: Oprah fell out of the car!

Oprah throws Gayle a warning look.

Rosie (obsequiously): Oh my God! Are you okay, Oprah? Can I get you anything??

Oprah glances at Rosie quickly and without responding, turns back to the group.

Oprah: Her damn singing drove me to the edge…literally!!

Gayle: I don’t understand how my singing can make a billionaire want to commit suicide by jumping out of a fast-moving vehicle.

Oprah (overlapping): Have you ever heard yourself sing? Your singing is as bad as…as…(pointing at Alec Baldwin) his voicemail etiquette!

Alec (overlapping): Wait a minute! How’d I get into this?? I’m just standing here minding my own business, very wisely knowing not to open my mouth amidst this sea of estrogen with very choppy waters.

Kathy (overlapping): Oh come on Oprah, that’s a low blow. If there are any low blows to be made to this guy, it should come from me in a pair of knee pads.

Joy (overlapping): I can’t believe I left ‘The View’ for this. Why should I stand here in the desert and listen to a bunch of people arguing when I could have been in an air conditioned studio and done the same thing but gotten paid for it??

Rosie (overlapping): Oh Oprah, why can’t you just let Gayle sing? Afterall, she’s been living in your shadow throughout her career. And she has had to listen to all the frustrations and complaints from your staff because everyone in your company is terrified of you.

Paris (overlapping): Can we please get going again?? Don’t we have a schedule to stick to? Aren’t we supposed to be at the rendevous point in a couple of days??

Oprah (overlapping): I like to be alone with my thoughts. Do you know that out of the 32 rooms in my mansion, only one room has a stereo? And not even Stedman can play it without first getting my approval and then scheduling it with my assistants.

Gayle (overlapping): This is not about the singing is it Oprah? It’s about you needing to be the center of attention all the time. You just can’t stand it if I take centerstage even for a moment, in the privacy of our car!

Helene and Janette roll their eyes. Lynette looks bored.

Janette (talking over the cacophany): Now why did I think the world would be different with them in charge?

Helene: I don’t know. I would have believed in little green men to get out of ‘you know where’.

Janette: Shouldn’t we instead all be discussing what the plan of the MOOPs revolution is exactly??…without these cops around? I am completely in the dark.

Lynette: Me too, but I’m still keeping the faith. They’re still better than a bunch of sick men running the world who didn’t get enough love from their mommies and daddies.

Helene: Hmmmmmm…not much.

Officer Russo makes a loud whistle and brings the arguments to a halt.

Officer Russo (steps in): Uh….now I know you want to get going with your friends and so, I think we should get down to business, Oprah.

The officer gestures towards his police car, indicating to Oprah to get in.

Oprah: Yes, officer, let’s just get this over with.

Kathy: What? What’s going on here?

Oprah: Oh, nothing, just…I wanted to make a small contribution to the local Police Athletic League…in appreciation of the officers’ help. You guys all go on ahead to the rendevous point…I’ll be joining you shortly.

Officer Blitski (interrupting): Excuse me Frank. I am sorry, I just can’t let you do this to Oprah.

Kathy: Do what?? I smell a scandal.

Officer Russo: Stay outta this George!

Officer Blitski: No, I just cannot let you extort money from Oprah!

Kathy gasps.

Kathy: I knew there was something fishy going on here! My tabloid radar has been going off this whole time!

Officer Russo: You’ve been watching too much daytime TV, George.

Officer Blitski: I will report you if you go through with it Frank.

Kathy: Will somebody please tell me what is going on here?!

Officer Blitski: Well, Officer Russo and I came upon Oprah and Gayle…

Oprah (interrupting): You know what Officer Blitski, Officer Russo is absolutely right. It really is none of your business. This is a private business transaction between Frank and me…

Officer Blitski: No matter how you put it Oprah, it just isn’t right for an officer of the law to be extorting money from you. Now, what I really would like you and Gayle to do is to come to this clinic that can help you and Gayle with your…

Oprah moves towards the police car. She grabs Gayle with her.

Oprah (cutting officer Blitski off): Come on Officer Russo! Let’s go get your money. I’ve got a lot cash for ya. Come on!

Officer Russo: Now you’re talking, pretty lady!

Kathy: What clinic? What clinic??

Officer Blitski: Well, I don’t know if I should say it in front of these folks…

Kathy: Come on, spill it. If it is what I think it is, this info could totally get me off the D-List!

Joy: Hey, I thought your career was all over once this MOOPs revolution got started.

Kathy: You have much too much faith in us. I need something to fall back on in case this revolution totally bombs.

Joy: Boy, now I know I really should have stayed home.

Officer Blitski: Say, what is this MOOPs thing you are all part of? Is it legal?

Kathy: It’s…Mothers…Opposed…I mean Ostensibly Opposed to Peanuts. Yeah that’s it. We’re trying to…remove peanuts from all school lunches.

Officer Blitski: Oh, that’s a good idea. Those peanut allergies can be dangerous.

Kathy: Yeah, whatever. Now quid pro quo - WHAT CLINIC ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??!!

Oprah: Officer Blitski, I will make you a deal. Gayle and I will attend one meeting at that clinic only if you keep your mouth shut!

Kathy: You caught them in a steamy, lesbo action, didn’t you? Didn’t you??!!

Officer Blitski: You’ve got yourself a deal, Oprah. (to Kathy) I’m sorry little lady, I just can’t tell you.

Kathy: AAAAAAAAARGH!!! SO CLOSE!!!

Rosie: Oprah, I totally respect your privacy. And I would never invade it by asking whether you two got it on. It’s so wrong.

Kathy: Oh you sycophant. There is nothing worse than a sycophantic celebrity. A sycophantic regular-joe-blow I can stand…but..

Oprah (to Rosie and overlapping): Yeah, is that why you intimated to the world we were just a little wee bit gay?

Joy (to Kathy and overlapping): Come on, you don’t need this. They’re not going to tell you anything that you don’t already know.

Rosie (to Oprah and overlapping): That was just a joke! I’m a comedian!

Oprah: Oh you comedians use your profession as a license and carte blanche to say irresponsible things.

Rosie: What? That’s not true! I am a very responsible speaker!

Kathy (overlapping): We do not! I don’t need any license to say all sorts of irresponsible things! - like: ‘Bush is still a mother-fucking drunk who shits out of his mouth!’ See?

Joy (overlapping): Hey wait a minute. I was on your side Oprah but now you’ve crossed a line!

[MUSIC CUE: FADE IN The Partridge’s Family’s ‘I Think I Love You’ - CLICK HERE to hear ‘I Think I Love You’ on Free Napster!]

Gayle (screaming): ALL RIGHT! YOU ALL WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED???!!! I’LL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED!!!

Oprah: GAYLE, NO!!!

Oprah puts her hand over Gayle’s mouth. Gayle fights her off and moves away from her, as Oprah tries to restrain her.

Gayle: Get your hands off of me! How dare you try to gag me! You think I am one of your regular employees forced to sign a lifetime non-disclosure contract?

Oprah: GAYLE, DON’T YOU DARE!!!

Oprah glares at Gayle with searing eyes.

Gayle: YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME, OPRAH WINFREY!!!

Gayle takes a deep breath…

Gayle (screaming): OPRAH AND I WERE GETTING IT ON BACK THERE ON THE GRASSY KNOLL!!! THERE I SAID IT!!!

They all fall silent. Enraged, Oprah starts to chase Gayle as she runs around the group. Rosie runs after them.

Oprah: AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHH!!!

Gayle: LOOK OUT! ANGRY BLACK WOMAN!! ANGRY BLACK WOMAN!!

Rosie: THERE IS NO SHAME! THERE IS NO SHAME!!

Kathy clasps her hands in prayer and looks up to the heavens.

Kathy: THANK YOU FOR THIS SUPER DUPER TABLOID MOMENT!!! I BELIEVE IN YOU AGAIN!!!

Gayle continues to scream out her confession as Oprah chases her about.

Gayle: OPRAH FELL OUT OF THE CAR! AND I WHEN I FOUND HER UNHARMED, I WAS SO OVERCOME WITH EMOTION THAT I STARTED KISSING HER. THAT’S RIGHT, OPRAH AND I WERE KISSING PASSIONATELY AND WE WERE GETTING IT ON HOT WHEN THESE OFFICERS FOUND US AND INTERRUPTED OUR LESBO ACTION!!! AFTER YEARS OF MOUNTING SEXUAL TENSION, OPRAH AND I ARE NOW LESBIAN LOVERS!!! AND I AM PROUD OF IT!!!

Oprah grabs Gayle’s hair and yanks on it hard. The others try to pull them apart.

Alec: Whoa! Now that’s hot!

Joy: Gayle, Barbara Walters would love for you to co-host ‘The View’. She needs another ‘loose lips’ to sizzle ‘hot topics’ again!

Oprah: YOU LYING BITCH!!! YOU WILL SAY ANYTHING TO BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION!!!

Gayle: EAT ME, OPRAH!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! MY EXTENSIONS!!!

Kathy: THIS HAS TO BE ONE OF THE GREATEST MOMENTS OF MY…

Kathy’s eyes roll to the back of her head and she passes out from the excitement. Pandemonium continues as Gayle breaks free of Oprah’s grasp and the chase continues. Some try to break up the pursuit while others try to revive Kathy.

[FADE OUT ‘I Think I Love You’]

(to be continued)…

[Read related stories: ‘Oprah and Gayle’s Big Gay Adventure’ - published April 6, 2007 and ‘Kathy Griffin Confronts Alec Baldwin About Angry Voicemail’ Parts I, II, and III - published May 8, 11, and 14, 2007]