Officer Russo and Officer Blitski escort Oprah and Gayle into the assembly hall of the “Christian Love Rehabilitation Center.” A banner is hung over the proscenium, displaying the name of the center. A placard that reads, “Special guest speaker - Ted Haggard. Topic - How God Gave Me A Second Chance As A Heterosexual,” sits on a stand near the stage. An assemblage of about 100 members, mostly men, are seated and listening to Ted Haggard speak at the podium. Oprah, Gayle, and the officers take seats on the side closest to the door. No one appears to recognize Oprah or Gayle, as they hide their faces behind flyers and pamplets picked up on the way in.

Ted: …and I grabbed wife’s hand and we got down on my hands and knees, and I prayed and prayed, crying out to the Heavens, “Why have we fallen before Thee, Oh Lord?? Why?? Why have you allowed us to sin and break our allegiance to You and Your Laws??” And I collapsed onto the floor, crying my heart out for an hour, feeling sorry for myself and my pitiful marriage. Then suddenly, this big, frightful, thunderstorm came upon us. And I grabbed my wife’s hand and we ran out into the backyard. Standing in the drenching downpour, I looked up into the sky and I screamed, “OH LORD, STRIKE US DOWN WITH A BOLT OF LIGHTNING FROM UP ABOVE FOR WE HAVE EGREGIOUSLY SINNED!!!” And there were flashes of lightning and thunder all around us. And then I yelled out, “IF IT IS YOUR WISH THAT WE ARE TO BE GIVEN A SECOND CHANCE TO MAKE OUR LIVES PURE AGAIN AND SINLESS, THEN LET US STAND HERE IN THE STORM OF YOUR WRATH UNHARMED!” And you know what, not one of the hundreds of lightning bolts I witnessed that afternoon struck us. GOD HAD TAKEN PITY ON US AND GRANTED US A SECOND CHANCE!! And I got down on my hands and knees and kissed the ground and vowed that I will rehabilitate myself to lead a complete and true Christian life. And I when I am well again, I will lead a crusade to help all homosexuals realize the sinful ways of their Godless lives…

There is a loud pounding on the door through which Oprah and Gayle had just entered.

Ted: …and make it my life’s mission to reform…

The pounding on the door continues. Ted stops and looks at the door. The center’s president, seated in the audience, addresses the knocker.

President: The door’s unlocked. Just come in.

The door creaks open and Kathy Griffin sticks her head in.

Kathy: Excuse me, I’m looking for the “Christian Love Rehabilitation Center”?? I want to sign up for the fast-track program for permanent conversion from fierce lesbian to Christian hetero??

Ted: Ah, well, you’ve come to the right place. Just take a seat. We’re right in the middle of the meeting…

Kathy steps in and moves towards empty seats on the side, near Oprah, Gayle, and the officers.

Kathy: Oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t meant to disrupt anyone…

Ted: That’s quite all right, m’am. We are just glad that you could make it…

Kathy takes a seat, but just as soon she sits down, she jumps out of her seat, completely wide-eyed.

Kathy: OH MY GOD!!! YOU’RE…YOU’RE….

She moves towards the podium.

Kathy: YOU’RE TED HAGGARD!!!

Ted: Uh, yes, I am, but we’re in the middle of…

Kathy approaches Ted.

Kathy: You have no idea what it means to me that you’re here!! You are such an inspiration to me…your rehabilitation is nothing short of a modern day miracle!!

Ted (overlapping): Well, thank you kindly, but please take your seat with the others…

Kathy grabs Ted and hugs him.

Kathy: You have made me want to stop wearing my toolbelt and put on an apron, as God intended me to do.

Ted: Yes, I will get to that, but right now, I was talking about my…

Kathy (overlapping): You have made me want to trade in my baseball cleats for a pair of Jimmy Choo pumps.

Ted (overlapping): Now, please, won’t you take a seat..with the rest of…

The president of the center rushes up to Kathy and tries to guide her back to her seat. Kathy pushes him away.

President (overlapping): Please, madam, Mr. Haggard is the middle of his speech, and you’re being very disruptive.

Kathy (overlapping): You have made me want to be a real woman again - the way God intended since that little minx Eve made Adam eat more than just her apple.

She sidles up to Ted and looks at him seductively. Ted backs away in terror. Officer Russo stands up.

Officer Russo: I know this jokester! She is not here to rehabilitate herself. She is putting you on - Making a fool of you! And disrupting everybody!

Kathy: Ok, you’ve got me. You have exposed me for the fraud and brazen, lascivious heterosexual hussy that I am! But this is fresh coming from an officer who blackmailed Oprah and Gayle (she points to them) into giving him money because he discovered that they were dry-humping each other on the side of the road and threatened to expose them. OFFICER RUSSO!!! ISN’T THAT RIGHT???!!!

The audience gasps and turn to look at them all. Oprah and Gayle sink lower into their seats.

President: Please m’am, I’m going to have ask you to leave…

Kathy: Sit down, cock-sucker, and listen to what I have to say.

President: Well!…

Ted: Now wait a minute here, I am the guest speaker here.

Kathy pulls out a gun from the back of her pants and shoots off a shot into the ceiling. The audience reacts with terror, some ducking behind their chairs. Ted grabs the president and pulls him in front of his body to shield himself.

Kathy: Every sit down and shut the fuck up!

Ted and the president scramble to their seats. Officer Russo stands up and reaches for his pistol.

Kathy: Don’t even try it Russo or I will report your blackmailing ass to your chief of police. Now put away your viagara-substitute before somebody gets hurt.

Officer Russo begrudgingly holsters his pistol and sits down. Officer Blitski is all smiles, wide-eyed, and clapping. Officer Russo looks at Blitski with disgust.

Officer Blitski: Oh Frank, you’re going to love this. Her stand-up just kills me every time!

Kathy: Ladies and gentleman. I’m Kathy Griffin. I’m sorry about the way I barged in here…well, no, actually, I’m not. But let’s cut through the bullshit and get right to the chase. First of all, I want to ask all of you - BEING A HOMOSEXUAL IS A SIN!!! RIGHT???

There are nods in the audience.

Kathy: LIVING AS A HOMOSEXUAL IS A SIN!!! RIGHT???

Audience members: Yes…

Kathy: WHY??

The audience is silent.

Kathy: Anyone?? Anyone? Bueller??

Audience member: Because the Bible says so!

Kathy: THAT’S RIGHT!!! BECAUSE THE BIBLE SAYS SO!!! AND I TOTALLY AGREE!!! IF THE BIBLE SAYS IT IS A SIN TO BE GAY AND THEN ALL GAYS MUST CEASE AND DESIST THEIR HOMOSEXUAL BEHAVIORS IMMEDIATELY OR ELSE FACE THE WRATH OF GOD AND BURN IN THE ETERNAL FLAMES OF HELL ON JUDGEMENT DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The audience is taken aback by her ferocity.

Kathy: Who agrees with me????

A few people clap. Then the claps become more numerous, build, and then finally blooms into a full applause. Oprah and Gayle clap weakly, shocked by what Kathy is saying. Ted and the President are surprised at her position. Kathy puts her hand up and the applause ceases.

Kathy: But guess what else the Bible says??? (pause) It also says…The eating of fat is prohibited forever, Leviticus 3:17. (she points to a fat man in the front)..So what the fuck have you been doing all this time, porky?? It also says…you cannot round the corners of your beard or the hair on your temples, Leviticus 19:27. And witches should be killed, Exodus 22:18. The congregation must be a bastard freezone - not even the bastard’s children to the 10th generation can set foot in a church, Deuteronomy 23:2. Handicapped people could not approach God, Leviticus 16-23. Entrance into the assembly of the Lord was granted only to those with complete testicles, Deuteronmy 23:1. DROP THEM AND LET’S SEE WHO IS GOING TO HELL WITH ONE CHESTNUT ROASTING OVER AN OPEN FIRE!!!

Audience member: Oh this is ridiculous! You are making all this up!!

Kathy takes out a Bible from under her cleavage - it is full of post-it references - and throws it at the guy.

Kathy: Don’t you heckle this church-lady! See for yourself, ye of little faith!!!

He picks the bible and flips it to a “post-ited”-page, and reads it while scratching his head in disbelief.

Kathy: What else?? Anyone working on the Sabbath is to be killed, Exodus 32:2; Menstruating women and everything they touch are unclean and they only way they can be clean is for the priest to kill a couple of pigeons, Leviticus 15:19-30. If a couple has sex during the woman’s period, the two are to be cut off from their people, Leviticus 20:18. Homosexual men are to be executed, Leviticus 20:13. I should blow all your fucking heads off right now.

She takes out her gun again and wields it, pointing it freely at the audience. Some people duck.

Kathy: If a woman grabs a man’s privates during a fight, her hand is to be cut off, Deuteronomy 25:11 and 12. I don’t understand - now what if I kicked a man in the groin, does that mean my foot is to be sawed off? See?…The Bible is just full of loopholes isn it?? Another law - false prophets are to be killed by their own parents, Zechariah 13:3. Stubborn children are to be stoned, and the stoning is to instigated by their parents, Deuteronomy 21: 18-21. I wish I’d known this years back when my ten year old nephew refused to stop badgering me for a fucking Nintendo set. “But Aunt Kathy, I want a Nintendo set. My parents are too cheap and everyone in my class has one….” KAPOWWWWW!!!!!!!

Kathy mimicks throwing a stone at a kid. The audience reacts with shock.

Kathy: What else??? Oh yes, Exodus 21 is a real winner - it says a man could sell his daughter to pay off a debt, and that you could beat your slave, almost to the point of death, and foreign slaves could be kept forever and willed to your descendants, where as Hebrew slaves could be kept for a maximum of seven years!!! See, I just need a year. A sex slave, foreign or jewish, would only interest me for about a year, maybe less. God, if only I could have chained David Duchovny to my basement for a year and make him fuck my brains out. And the list of these idiotic laws and illegalities just go on and on and on. Need I say more???

Audience member: But everyone knows that these rules and restrictions are ridiculous and not to be taken seriously with the other laws.

Kathy (waving her finger at the woman): Oh, no, no, no, no, no! You cannot pick and choose, honey. If you are looking to the Bible for a moral code, you cannot pick and choose what you want like you are at a smorgosbord. You have to take the whole kitten kaboodle! You better live by every word of the Bible or you and the generations after you are going to hell!

There is much clamor and confusion in the audience. Ted stands up and goes up to Kathy.

Ted: You are just a red-demon trying to cast a spell over these good people who want to live a clean, Christian life.

Kathy takes her gun and jabs it into his groin.

Kathy: Do you want to enter the Kingdom of Heaven?? Cause I can make it an eternal impossibility right now.

Ted grabs his balls and sits down. The young man with Kathy’s bible stands up and cries out.

Young man: My God, everything she said checks out. Why didn’t I see this before?!

Kathy: Because you have been following the words of others and not thinking for yourself! And the church has been following a text that advocates prejudice, cruelty, superstition, and murder! And the only way I explain it is this…THE BIBLE IS BULLSHIT!

The audience gasps.

Kathy: THE BIBLE IS NOT A DICTATION OR TRANSCRIPTION OF GOD’S WORDS!!! IT WAS WRITTEN BY MEN AS CLUELESS AS YOU ARE IN ORDER TO CONTROL OTHERS!!! THE BIBLE CANNOT BE TAKEN LITERALLY - IT IS NOT ABSOLUTE!!! TEN BILLION SPECIES ON AN ARK? GIVE ME A BREAK - EMBARRASSING! DON’T LOOK TO THE BIBLE FOR A MORAL CODE. BE WHO YOU DEEPLY WANT TO BE!!! BE TOTALLY GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! I NEED MY GAYS!!! WHERE ARE MY GAYS!!!

At this point, Ted is crying from an inner turmoil. He runs up to Kathy and grabs her.

Ted: WHY DO I HAVE THIS INSATIABLE DESIRE TO BE WITH MEN??? TO KISS THEM!! TO MAKE LOVE TO THEM!!! WHY DO MEN WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO OTHER MEN????!!!! I DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS UNHOLY FEELING!!!!

Kathy: HIT IT FELLAS!!!

The song ‘Because We Can’ by Fatboy Slim comes on the speakers. Nine hunky men in skimpy black bikinis enter the room and begin to dance in front of the audience. Dance poles rise out of the floor and the boys dance seductively around them.

[CLICK HERE to hear Fatboy Slim’s ‘Because We Can’ on Free Napster!]

Hunky Dancers (singing):
Because we can, can, can
Yes we can, can, can, can
Can, can, can, can, can
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Everybody can, can, etc.

The song is interrupted by a presence hanging from the ceiling. The room darkens and a spotlight is cast upon the ceiling, revealing Alec Baldwin poised on a swing, in nothing but a top hat and a black bikini studded with diamonds. Everyone looks up to see him, as sparkles of glitter rain down.

Dancer: It’s him! It’s the Sparkling Diamond!

The song ‘Sparkling Diamonds’ [lyrics revised] from the movie Moulin Rouge begins. Alec parodies Nicole Kidman’s performance. [CLICK HERE to see Moulin Rouge’s ‘Sparking Diamonds’ on YouTube!]

Alec (singing):
The French are glad to die for love
They delight in fighting duels
but I prefer a man who lives
and gives expensive jewels

Alec swings over an audience of cheering men. After a few passes above the room, he descends to the floor and sings and dances to the crowd of captivated and excited gay men from the center.

Alec (singing):
A kiss on the hand may be quite continental
But diamonds are a boy’s best friend
A kiss may be grand but it won’t pay the rental
On your humble flat or help you feed your pussycat

The gay men are all titillated by Alec. Some try to cop a feel on Alec’s behind but he slaps their hands away. Alec grabs the cash tips from the men, even allowing a couple of them to stuff their bills into his bikini. He also snatches diamond jewelry the dancers dangle before him. An older guy steps out of line, slaps Alec’s behind, and falls back laughing. The dancers carry Alec around the room as he flirts with the crowd.

Men grow cold as, boys grow old
And we all lose our charms in the end
But square-cut or pear-shaped
These rocks don’t lose their shape
Diamonds are a girls best friend

Tiffany! Cartier!

The dancers set Alec down and he dances seductively before the audience men.

Cause we are living in a material world
And I am a material boy

The audience men surround Alec and lift him up and then rotate him.

Come and get me boys!

Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!

Black Star, Roscor! Talk to me, Harry Zilder, tell me all about it!

They set him on top of a table. Officer Blitski jumps on it to dance with Alec.

There may come a time when a guy needs a lawyer
But diamonds are a boy’s best friend
There may come a time when a hard-boiled employer
Thinks you’re awful nice, but get that ice or else no dice

Officer Blitski: You are so hot, Alec!

Alec: Don’t I know it!

Officer Blitski: Will you call me sometime?

Alec: Only if you want me to.

Officer Blitski (holding up a piece of paper): Oh I want you to. Here’s my number.

Alec: You know where that goes.

Officer Blitski smiles and sheepishly stuffs it into Alec’s binkini. Blitski squeals and blushes.

Officer Blitski: Oh, and if I don’t answer, be sure to leave a number on my voicemail.

Alec: Sorry, no can do. I don’t leave messages on voicemails anymore.

Officer Blitski: Oh? Why not?

Alec: My God, have you been under a rock??!!

The dancers carry Alec from the table and spin him about for the final part of the song. Alec jumps off and makes the final pose in front of Ted.

(Alec resumes his singing)
Cause thats when those louses go back to their spouses
Diamonds, are a boy’s beeeeeessssssst friend!

The song and performance concludes and everyone claps and cheers their performance.

Ted: Now will somebody please play our ‘gay anthem’?? I so much need to hear it!

Kathy: ‘Our’, Ted? Glad to see you back in true sinful form.

Ted: Kathy, thank you for showing all of us the true light.

Gay Men: Yes, thank you Kathy….we love you…you have saved us.

He kisses her on the hand reverently.

Kathy: Are you kidding me? You’re my bread and butter!

Ted: You are our messiah!

Kathy: Awww shucks. Well, you know, if you’ve taken it up the ass like 50 times and still won’t accept that you’re gay, then you need a mack truck to be dropped on you. And that’s where I come in. Anyway, welcome to the Kathy Griffin fan base. Another day, another gay, (sigh)…another Christian defector joining the ever-growing Kathy empire.

Ted smiles sheepishly at her.

Alec: All right, all right (breaks them up)…stop moving in on my gal. What’s the song? I don’t think I’ve rehearsed it! (he puts his hand on his hips effeminately)

Kathy: Well, I was going to have you guys do a dance number to it but… having you guys freefall from the ceiling would have been a bit over zealous, even for me. HIT IT!

The song ‘It’s Raining Men’ comes on. [CLICK HERE to hear The Weather Girls’ ‘It’s Raining Men’ at Free Napster!] At this point, Rosie O’Donnell, in her blonde wig, and Paris Hilton, in her dark wig, enter the room with Joy Behar, Lynette, Helene, and Janette, and they all join in the dance. Rosie lip synchs to every word of the song perfectly. Everyone dances exuberantly. Ted dances eagerly with one of the hot male dancers. Officer Blitski is hogging Alec all to himself as the president tries to cut in. Kathy, Paris, and Joy dance with the few lesbians that are in the room. Joy keeps stopping the hands of this woman from sliding down to her buttocks. Afterwhile, she just gives up and lets the woman squeeze her cheeks. The only person not dancing and enjoying himself is Officer Russo, who is standing in a corner glowering at the spectacle before him.

A group of male dancers, unseen before, come over to Paris and lift her up. They carry her around the room as she poses seductively. Then, without warning, they carry her right out of the room.

Rosie: Kathy, where are your dancers taking Paris?

Kathy catches sight of the dancers taking Paris out the door. She looks across the room and sees that her dancers are dancing with the gays.

Kathy: Wait a minute! I didn’t hire those guys!

Rosie: What??

They both maneuver through the crowd towards the door.

Kathy (to Rosie): Round up the rest of our group, including Oprah and Gayle. I think Paris is in trouble!

Kathy makes her way through the crowded room towards the door and runs after Paris. Rosie rounds up the gang to follow Kathy. On her way out, Rosie’s wig gets caught on a guy’s watch and he accidentally pulls it off her head.

Guy: Oh my God, I’m so sorry!

Rosie tries to unsnag it but it won’t come off.

Rosie: Oh just keep it! It’ll look better on you.

The guy recognizes her.

Guy: Rosie? Are you Rosie O’Donnell??

Rosie doesn’t answer but goes out the door. Officer Russo also recognizes Rosie and runs after her.

Meanwhile the men who kidnapped Paris move her towards a black Hummer parked outside the center’s building.

Paris: Put me down! Help!! Somebody help me! I’m being kidnapped!

They throw her into the Hummer. She sits up and sees the occupants of the car, sitting in the seats behind her. It’s Barbara Walters and Donald Trump!

Barbara: Driver, go!

The Hummer speeds away.

Paris: My god, you will stop at nothing to get an exclusive, will you??

Barbara: Just calm down, dear. I am not going to interview you. I make it a wule not to interview people who snub me.

Paris: Whew! Now I know I won’t be tortured.

Barbara: Watch your mouth. It’s becoming smarter than your bwain.

Paris looks at Donald.

Paris: And what do you have to say?

Donald: You are so much my type. Too bad you’re our daughter.

(to be continued)…