Paris Hilton is riding inside the Hummer, along with Donald Trump and Barbara Walters. There is a partition inside the vehicle that separates the driver from the passengers. Paris looks at Donald Trump dumbfounded. Another black Hummer trails them as security. They are traveling on a deserted two-lane highway somewhere in northern Arizona.

Paris: What are you high??!!

Barbara: Dear, I know you don’t believe us, but the simple fact is - we are your birth pawents - and that’s the twuth.

Paris: Wait a minute, Barbara, my parents threw a party for your 77th last year. And so you’re telling me you gave birth to me when you were…

She takes out her cell phone and presses some keys.

Barbara: Ok, so I was a bit past my child-beawing years.

Paris: …53??!!

Barbara: Well, we thought it was impossible too. That’s why we weren’t cautious.

Donald: Hey, my tough little guys can fertilize anything.

Paris: Oh God, I don’t want to know the details. (playing along) So how do my parents fit into this?

Barbara: Well…it’s a long stowy. But in order for you to understand it, I need you to open your mind and wealize that there is a gweater reality behind this evewyday world.

Barbara looks intently at Paris.

Paris: You mean like my couture dress is never really couture because the designers use me as their walking advertisements as a step towards mass producing their designs for K-Mart?

Barbara: Dear, I think you have seen one too many flashbulbs to wealize that the gweater weality of the world does not wevolve Pawis Hilton.

Paris: Well, then you’ll have to explain it to me…

Barbara: The twuth is humans live many, many lives here on Earth. That is an esotewic and spiwitual twuth that you must simply accept. And you, Donald, and I are inextwicably linked by our welationships fwom past lives. And because of this fact, there are forces in this world who want to extwact certain past life memowies buwied deep in your mind.

Paris looks at her in dismay and then laughs.

Paris: Well this is a first. Whoever these forces are, I’d like to thank them for the compliment because it’s first time anyone wanted me for my mind. What could they possibly want from the depths of my mind?

Barbara: That’s a good question. (pause) You are the weincarnation of someone who witnessed the completion of an extwaordinary technology in the heydays of Atlantis - a technology so amazing, it will change the world forever.

Paris looks at Barbara crossed-eyed.

Paris: I’ve never been to the Bahamas.

Barbara: Not the wesort you, bimbo! The mythical ancient civilization of Atlantis! Oh God, why do I even bother??!!

Paris: I don’t understand. So, why are you kidnapping me?

Barbara: Well, we’re not exactly kidnapping you. We are just pweventing you fwom falling into the wrong hands.

Paris: Is that why the MOOPs want me? Because I have some past life memory of a technology they want?

Donald: Now you’re catching on. By god, you DO have the Trump genes!

Barbara looks at Donald in contempt.

Barbara: Easy Donald. Those same Twump genes landed her in jail.

Paris: How do you know about this past life? Did you consult with Sylvia Browne or someone like that?

Barbara: We are pwivy to a lot of information that you are not aware of.

Paris: Is this what I missed by not watching ‘20-20′??

Donald: I don’t watch that news rag and I am more brilliant the next guy.

Barbara rolls her eyes.

Barbara: We have sources unavailable to the genewal public.

Paris: Who are you people? Are you the MIPs - the people who want Men In Power…also called the Illuminati??

Barbara and Donald look at her with surprise.

Barbara: Well, I see you have been bwiefed in jail more extensively than we thought. Nice to see that there was more than just hanky-panky going on in that jailhouse.

Donald: How much lesbian action really goes on in jail?

Barbara elbows Donald.

Donald: Were you a LURD?

Barbara: What’s a LURD?

Paris and Donald (together): Lesbian Until Release Date.

Paris and Donald look at each other with astonishment. Barbara sighs.

Barbara (to Donald): I am impwessed with your knowledge of pwison lingo. I’m not even going to ask you how you know this.

Donald (to Paris): When you did your bit, were you a swinging door?

Paris: You better watch what you say or I’ll smack your chip and chase.

Donald: Did you at least catch a ride in the big yard?

Paris: Of course I did. I used to spot the mule that came off the chain and get the sack stashed in the keister!

Donald: I hope the C.U.S. didn’t see you.

Paris: Well, we did this in the I.K. And if there was a shake-down, we’d just throw the bag on a fish or a ding.

Donald: You’re a pistol!

Pause.

Barbara: And people say that I am sometimes hard to understand??

Paris: I still don’t understand. If I was privy to some kind of advanced technological information, what does this have to do with you or Donald?

Barbara sighs.

Barbara: In the days of Atlantis, Donald was one of seven scientists who had compartmentalized knowledge of this technology. No one person understood the entirety of it. Even though they have located the reincarnation of the other six scientists and have been able to extwact their past-life technological know-how, the technology wemains incomplete because Donald would never divulge his knowledge of it. However, it has been discovered that there was a witness to the completion of this secwet technology. Now, through the extwaordinary spiwitual abilities of our opponents, they have been able to locate the identity of that assistant - you. How? We don’t know. We took evewy pwecaution to conceal you. We severed ties with you as soon as spiwitualists identified you as the assistant from that life and gave you away to the Hiltons. The secwet of this technology is more important than anything or anyone in this world.

Paris: Wow, you mean I was some kind of lab scientist??

Donald looks at Barbara. Pause.

Barbara: Sort of. More of an assistant.

Paris: And what was your relationship to Donald in that past life?

Barbara: I…was his wife.

Paris cackles.

Barbara: What’s so funny?

Paris: No one wonder he ’sold you out’ during the feud with Rosie. He has a habit of betraying all his wives, in present life or past.

Donald (moving towards Paris menacingly): Listen you little skank…

Barbara (stops him with her hand): Back off, daddy deawest!

Paris: So what is this technology? Some kind of bomb?

Barbara: It is not important for you to know that wight now.

Paris: Why not? If you are so intent on preventing others from getting information on it, you should at least tell me what it is exactly.

Barbara: We will tell you at another time.

Paris looks at them and ponders.

Paris: You don’t want to tell me because if I knew what it could do to change the world, then I would be more intent on going back to the MOOPs with the information. Isn’t that right?

Donald: Those Trump genes are working overtime, eh??

Paris: And how would anyone extract this information from me? I don’t want my head to be cut open or anything.

Barbara looks at Donald smugly.

Barbara: Yes, those Twump genes are weally kicking in.

Donald: The bimbo side comes from you - (pointing at Barbara’s hair) the blonde factor.

Barbara: I’m not a weal…

Barbara stops herself.

Barbara (to Paris): We will answer all your questions in due time, Pawis.

Paris: I still don’t believe you’re my birth parents. I think you two will say just about anything to get me to cooperate with you and the MIPs. Also, I think you two are just bonkers…past lives? Atlantis? Some super duper secret technology? Did Shirley Maclaine drug you or something? Come off it! You haven’t convinced me of anything…in fact, quite the opposite…

Paris snickers.

Donald: Paris, do you remember playing ‘chef’ with your dad when you were little?

Paris: Yes, but how did you know that…?

Donald: Do you remember you had your dad make these pancakes with your ‘easybake oven’?

Paris: Yes…

Donald: And what did your dad do to the pancakes?

Paris: You tell me…

Donald: He burned them didn’t he?

Paris gasps.

Paris: Yes.

Donald: And what did you say to your dad, in this ferocious voice, even though you were only four.

Paris: …I said…

Donald and Paris (in unison): YOU’RE FIRED!!!

Donald: And what did you say to your dad when he kept setting off the buzzer in the game of ‘Operation’?

Donald and Paris (in unison): YOU’RE FIRED!!!

Donald: And what did you say to your mom when you fell off the swing she was pushing?

Donald and Paris (in unison): YOU’RE FIRED!!!

Barbara reacts to the memory.

Donald: See? Like father, like daughter.

Paris is astonished and speechless. Donald takes Paris’ hand.

Donald: Paris, I was the dad in those earliest memories. I AM your father.

Paris thinks of the imponderable fact and shrieks in terror.

Paris: Noooo!!!Nooo!!! That’s not true!!! THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!!!

Donald: Search your feelings, you know it to be true!

Paris cries out despondently

Paris: NOOOOOO!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

The driver comes on the intercom.

Driver (over the intercom): We are being followed by two cars and a police car is trailing them.

Donald and Barbara look out the back and sees two cars, one driven by Kathy Griffin and the other by Janette, following the security-Hummer behind them. A police car, driven by Officer Blitski, follows Kathy and company with its sirens blaring.

Barbara (to the driver): Tell the men I want both cars taken out!

Driver (over the intercom): What about the police car?

Barbara: TAKE THEM ALL OUT!!!

Driver (over the intercom): Yes, m’am.

Two rear windows on the black security-Hummer behind them are lowered and two men dressed in black suits fire upon the cars driven by the MOOPs. Joy, Rosie, Oprah and Gayle, are in the car driven by Kathy. Alec, Lynette, and Helene are in the other car driven by Janette. Shots are returned by Joy, Gayle, Oprah, Alec, Helene, and Lynette. Rosie, sitting between Gayle and Oprah in the backseat, covers hear ears in fright. Their bullets bounce off the bullet-proof Hummer - even the tires are impervious. Meanwhile, the two cars are sustaining a lot of damage from shots fired by the MIPs. Oprah is shot in the arm; she screams out in pain.

Kathy (screaming at the other car): We’re going to have backoff. We can’t sustain anymore hits.

Janette (screaming): We can’t! There is a police car right on our tail!

Kathy (screaming): Alec! Do your thing and get Blitski off of us!

Alec takes his cell phone and with his other hand, reaches inside his pants and pulls out the number Blitski had stuffed into his bikini earlier. He dials.

Alec (into the cell phone): Hello, officer Blitski?

Officer Blitski (excitedly on the cell phone): Is this Alec?

There is a lot of ferocious screaming by Alec and within seconds, the police cars pulls over to the side of the road, makes a quick U-turn, and speeds off in the opposite direction. The MOOPs all cheer Alec’s successful call.

Joy: Oh I’ve got to get a recording of that! No one would ever mess with me again at work, not even Barbara Walters!

Kathy: I’ll get a recording for you, Joy, but it’s not going to be free. What are you kidding me? There’s a huuuuge market for this! I’m copyrighting it and selling it on HSN! It’ll outsell Suzanne Somer’s ‘Thighmaster’!

Joy: What are you going to call it? The ‘Frightmaster’??

Kathy: Hmmm…that’s not too bad. I’ll work on it.

Joy: All right, let’s get back to reality here. Now does anyone have the cell number of the driver of that Hummer?

Kathy: No, we don’t have that kind of luck.

There are more shots fired at their car. They all duck.

Joy: What are we going to do? I haven’t crouched this far down in a car since I went parking as a teen!

Kathy (screaming to the other car): Janette, follow my lead!

The two cars suddenly speed up and run past the security-Hummer and they both come along either side of the Hummer carrying Paris. The security-Hummer speed up as well and gets behind the first Hummer; they continue to fire shots at the MOOPs. The two cars slam against the Hummer, squeezing it tightly in the middle.

Kathy (screaming): JANETTE, ON THE COUNT OF THREE! ONE, TWO, THREE!!!

The two cars brake suddenly, causing the Hummer to also deccelerate unexpectedly. In response, the security-Hummer also brakes and turns off the road to avoid colliding with the Hummer directly ahead of it. As a result of turning so sharply, the security-Hummer rolls over, turning several times before settling in the dust of the desert.

The MOOPs rejoice vociferously. The two cars separate from the Hummer. The Hummer resumes its speed as does the two cars, flanking the Hummer on both sides once again.

Kathy (yelling at the Hummer): PARIS!!!

Paris tries to lower her window and open her car door, but they’re both locked.

Barbara: Don’t bother. It is locked by the dwiver.

Paris thinks for a moment and then presses the intercom. She mimicks Barbara Walter’s voice perfectly.

Paris (in a Barbara Walter’s voice): Donald dwopped another stink bomb in here. Open all the windows!

All the windows on the Hummer are lowered immediately. Barbara quickly presses the intercom button.

Barbara: Close them you fool! That was not I!

Paris quickly climbs out the window and onto the roof of the Hummer before the windows close. Kathy pulls her car right alongside the Hummer. Rosie climbs onto the roof of the car.

Gayle: Rosie what are you doing?!

Rosie: I’m going to grab onto Paris when she jumps over. (to Paris) Paris! Jump! I’ll make sure you don’t fall!

Crouched on one corner of the car-roof, Rosie has one hand on the edge and another hand extended towards Paris.

The window of the Hummer is lowered and Donald sticks himself out. He tries to grab Paris, and in doing so, he blocks her path and distracts her. Paris tries to slap him back inside but Donald manages to block her strikes.

Donald: Paris! Join me! And together, we can rule the MIPs as father and daughter. Come with me, it is the only way!

Rosie: Go for the rug, Paris! Go for the rug!

Paris snatches the hairpiece off of Donald’s head, revealing his baldness.

Paris: Dad, YOU’RE FIRED!!!

She throws the hairpiece onto the front windshield of the Hummer.

Donald: NOOOOO!!! AAAAAHHHHHHH!!! Lower the partition!! Lower the partition!!

Donald ducks back inside the car and tries to go through the lowered partition, but he gets himself stuck in it. Barbara slaps his behind repeatedly.

Barbara: You sad, sad, stupid, vain man!!!

The Hummer begins to swerve, making it difficult for Paris to have a firm footing and judge the distance between the two vehicles. Paris makes a quick assessment and jumps onto the roof of Kathy’s car. Rosie grabs onto her just as she begins to loose her footing. Kathy pulls away from the Hummer but the Hummer closes the gap between them and begins to slam her car. Paris quickly jumps inside the car through the window. Rosie tries to follow her back inside the car but when the Hummer slams the car, she loses her grip and falls off the speeding car. Everyone screams in horror! Kathy brakes the car immediately; Janette, in the other car, follows suit. The Hummer speeds off into the distance. They all get out the car and run over to Rosie. Paris bends over to see if she’s breathing. She grabs Rosie’s wrist and checks for a pulse. Paris begins to administer CPR on Rosie immediately.

Kathy: Rosie! Please, dear God, no!!

Everyone holds their breath in agonizing suspense as Paris continues to administer CPR.

Joy: Come on Rosie!!! You can do it!!!

Paris: No, Rosie, NOOO!!!

After several minutes of futile attempts at resuscitation, they all resign to the dreaded fact that Rosie is dead. Paris slumps over her body and cries. They all sob deeply over Rosie’s death.

(to be continued)…