With everyone surrounding her, some standing over her, Rosie O’Donnell sits up.

Rosie: Oh god, that was a doozie..hehe. That was quite a fall huh? Good thing I have a lot of padding.

Rosie slaps her buttocks. She sees everyone crying.

Rosie: Hey…what are you guys crying about? I’m all right!

Rosie stands up.

Rosie: See? I didn’t even get a scrape!

Everyone - Paris Hilton, Kathy Griffin, Joy Behar, Oprah, Gayle King, Lynette, Helene, Janette, and Alec Baldwin - continues to look down, crying and mourning, not hearing Rosie.

Rosie: What is the matter with all of you? What are you looking at??

She sees a body on the ground from which she had just arisen.

Rosie: Who’s that? I didn’t know there was another big girl in our group. Hehe…thank God I am no longer the fattest one!

Rosie approaches the body. Her eyes widen with horror at her realization.

Rosie: OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!! THAT….THAT….THAT’S ME!!! BUT IT CAN’T BE!!!

She looks down and touches her body. She reaches to touch Kathy Griffin’s shoulder but her hand passes right through it.

Rosie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT I AM….THAT I AM…….(she cries)……..THAT BIG!!!

A vortex opens up near her. She looks into it with awe.

Rosie: There’s a light…

No sooner had she said it when she is sucked into the vortex.

Rosie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

She tumbles through the dark tunnel towards a piercingly bright white light in the distance.

Rosie: I’m…going…to…be…sick!!! How…do…I…stop…spin…ing???!!!

Suddenly, she lands on something soft with a thud. Rosie finds herself in a green meadow with wild flowers and rolling hills. The sky is a brilliant blue and the colors around her are vivid and alive in the most extraordinary way in that they come out at you. There is light everywhere, emanating from everything, and yet, there is no sun in the sky.

Rosie: I’ve never seen such colors…

She reaches out to touch a flower but she is interrupted by the sight of a short, stout, bald little man who looks a lot like Danny DeVito, running towards her from the bottom of a nearby hill.

Little Man: Oh no, no, no, no, no, no!!! No, you don’t!!!

Rosie: What? I wasn’t going to pick it.

Little Man: YOU are not allowed here!

Rosie: Hey, it’s not like I had a choice. I saw the light and it just sucked me in.

He pushes Rosie towards the vortex that’s still open.

Little Man: No, you have to go back! It’s not your time yet!

Rosie: Whoa, whoa, little man. Quit pushin’. Looks nice here…

He pushes Rosie even harder towards the vortex; she resists him.

Little Man: YOU HAVE TO GO BACK BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!

Rosie: Did anyone ever tell you that you’re overcompensating for your stature or lack of…? Who are you anyway??

Little Man: I am your spirit guide. And you have to go back NOW! You still have Earthly business to take care of!

Rosie: Well, can’t I just stay awhile, for a visit maybe? There’s someone I’d like to see.

Little Man: No, you can’t! Now go back!!!

The vortex closes.

Little Man: OH NO!!! NO NO NO!!! THIS IS NOT GOOD!!! MY GUIDE IS NOT GOING TO LIKE THIS!!!

Rosie: Dude, you need to chill. With you as my spirit guide, no wonder I continue to be a pushy loud-mouth.

Little Man: Rosie, believe me, being your guide is being offered as a capstone course on patience.

Rosie: Hey, are you supposed to speak to me like that??

Little Man: Now, I am going to have to appeal to higher authorities to open another tunnel to get you back.

Rosie: All right, whatever. Just give me enough time to find my…

The Little Man turns and spins in place, and fades away.

Rosie: Hey, what’s your name anyway?!

Little Man’s voice echoes…”Just call me Danny…cause I know you think I look like someone you know on Earth. I’ll be back…bye for now.”

Rosie: Bye! Don’t hurry back. Oy. Figures my spirit guide would be obnoxious.

Rosie looks around the meadow. She takes a deep breath.

Rosie (to herself): Yeah, go down some lemon cielos while you’re gone. Maybe you’ll grate a lot less on my nerves.

Little Man’s voice “I can still hear you, O’Donnell.”

Rosie rolls her eyes and walks in a random direction.

Rosie (to herself): Wow! Look at this place. Beauuuuuteefull!! I wonder who cuts the grass. It must be one hell of a landscaping bill. Hmmmm. Now how am I supposed to find my mother? Ugh…I should have asked that midget. I thought all your loved ones were supposed to come greet you. I bet he totally fucked it up for me.

Little Man’s voice: “Well, you’re not supposed to be dead! And you can’t say that word around here!”

Rosie: OH WILL YOU JUST CAN IT AND MOVE ALONG!!! GEEZ, IS THERE NO PRIVACY IN THIS PLACE???!!!

Rosie walks on.

Rosie (to herself): Gives a hellish new meaning to “Can you hear me now?” …Maybe if I just think of her, she’ll appear…(she closes her eyes and concentrates) Mom, mom, mom….

No one appears.

Rosie (to herself): Wait a minute, why am I walking? Don’t people fly around here?? I wonder if I can…

At that thought, Rosie shoots high into the sky.

Rosie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! STOP!!!

She suddently stops ascending and floats in mid-air.

Rosie: THIS IS FANTASTIC!!! Now…TAKE ME TO MY MOTHER!!!

She begins to move towards one direction and accelerates in flight. Rosie turns her neck to look at her back.

Rosie: LOOK MA!!! NO WINGS!!! YIPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

Rosie flys off into the distance, in search of her mother.

(to be continued)…